I Used to Love Rainy Days

I used to love rainy days. Even before I met you, I loved sitting on my porch just listening to the sound of it coming down, watching as it shook the leaves on my favorite trees and soaked everything. I’d listen to the music we both loved without thinking of you and how your fingers moved. Now there’s nothing that doesn’t remind me of you. My heart feels like a solid rock in my chest that sinks down each time I try to smile. I love you so much. So much more than you will ever understand. So much so that I’m willing to pretend I don’t miss you, so much it kills me just to look you in the eye. I love you so much that I pretend I can be your friend because I’m too afraid of what my life will look like without you in it. I pretend that I’m not sad when you walk beside me without holding my hand. I pretend I’m not hurting when you walk away without hugging me goodbye. I pretend every part of me isn’t burning with the need to have you hold me. I gave you my whole heart. I gave it to you, even though I was scared, even though it was hard, even though I wasn’t sure, I gave you my heart. Because you asked me to, because you told me I could trust you, because I believed you. You said the right things, you did everything you could to hold every part of me, and then you had me. I was yours. Then I did everything. I held you, I cared for you, I was there even when you made it difficult. I loved you fiercely and with everything I had. I let you into every depth of myself that you asked me to. I gave everything I had to loving you every single day. Was I not what you thought I would be? When did you realize I wasn’t pretty enough or smart enough or funny enough or interesting enough? What was it? My laugh? The way I sneezed? Which of my flaws became too hard for you to love? I thought we were real. I thought you loved me with the same ferocity. I thought I meant more to you than this. But you hurt me anyway. You broke me. You took my love and threw it in my face. You changed and you left me alone to break into a million pieces. So I sit here and pick up the shards of who I was and focus on getting through my life day by day. It hurts still. You told me it felt like our relationship had run its course. So tell me why it still breaks me to know you don’t want me there for you anymore. There was a time that you said it broke you to think about a day where I wasn’t always there for you. When did that change? When did your heart stop belonging to me? When did you decide you didn’t want mine anymore? When did looking at me stop bringing a smile to your face? I gave you my best. I loved you wholly and completely then and I love you wholly and completely now. But you don’t know it. And it doesn’t matter.

You aren’t mine to love anymore. That’s the scariest part because I don’t know who will hold you now. I don’t know who will give you their heart next. I hope she loves you better than I did. I hope she gives you what you need. I hope you’re happier than you ever were with me because if she doesn’t give you everything, she doesn’t deserve you.