I Want You to Love Me

Once upon a time, there was a girl. This girl was pretty shy and she knew exactly what she wanted in life. What she didn’t know was that she would have a little something weird for a guy she never tought she’d like. He was funny, smart, sassy but on top of all that he was in his thirties and the girl was in her twenties.

Life is made to be complicated and full of challenges you never saw coming your way. This guy was her unexpected challenge and complication at the same time.

I’m that girl.

I have this unconditional need to be in control. I used to be able to convince myself that I did not have feelings for a person. It took a lot of energy and focus, but I was able to do that. But that guy, he threw me out of my game. I can’t really stand the loss of control that he makes me feel.

But, hey, don’t get me wrong. I’m not in love with him.

I just feel the constant need to talk to him.

I just feel the constant need to see one of his texts on my phone.

I just feel the constant need of being back in control of my life again.

I used to like Disney movies because they make you believe that love is magical and it just happens to you. They make you feel like there’s no possible way you could get around it. Like in the Beauty and the Beast where the Beauty and the Beast fall in love with each other, defying almost every unwritten social requirement.

But the thing is that real life is not as simple. It defies unwritten social requirements to be a girl in her twenties dating a guy in his late thirties. I’m afraid that I would hold him back and vice and versa. I’m not ready to have kids yet. He probably is. I still live with my parents, he doesn’t.

But still, I feel like I need him.

I still remember the first time I saw you. At this exact moment, I knew you were gonna be someone special in my life. You weren't like anybody I ever met. You're way older than me. You are not the kind of person that I thought I could get along with. You are everything I never thought this guy would be.

I'm not easy on myself which makes me hard to reach. I'm always reaching for the best possible option and my head is controlling my whole life. Oh, how I would like to be like these other girls that can just let themselves go and enjoy life at its fullest... But I can't. And I don't need to, most of the time.

But the day I met you, you made me feel like I was the funniest girl in the whole world. Whenever I receive one of your texts, my heart skips a beat. If I see you somewhere, it's like I can't breathe anymore.

You make me speechless. You make me feel like I am someone else. Maybe this is who I am and I never knew it...

My head knows that I can't fall in love with you. But my heart is fighting this battle like its life depends on it. I can't help myself. I think I care a lot about you. My head says "No!" but my heart wants you to love me. I want you to want me.

I tend to give up on others and by the same occasion, I give up on myself. I believe that you let me do that to you. You let me push you away even though the only thing I needed was to pull you closer to me. I told you that you're too old, but I'm too afraid.

Life is this long hill ascension that we need to do day after day. It's an unconditional challenge that we always have to decide whether we want to accept or not. To me, a challenge is just another reason to move forward and I'm always up for it. But when it comes to love, I can't seem to see it as a challenge and I can't help myself by moving backwards.

I just want to thank you. Thank you for liking me.

Don't let me go.

Don't let me leave.

Please.