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I Went on a Date with a Man That Had an English Accent.

It was awful.


I should’ve known it was destined for disaster, but he worked for a top-notch music producer, so I agreed to go on a date with him. I guess I can’t really say I regret it, because otherwise I wouldn’t have this story to tell.

The way we met was obviously magical. It was an evening in the middle of May. I was working a graveyard shift at sandwich shop in Los Angeles, California. I was simply minding my own business until he walked in with his blonde hair, blue eyes, and perfect complexion. He asked for a meatball sub in a beautifully sculptured English accent. We small talked, and inadvertently bragged about ourselves while I made his order. I was obviously working at a sandwich shop in the middle of the night, so I didn’t have much to brag about. This man, however, was an apprentice for a top producer, which the songwriter in me thought might be beneficial, so I smiled. As I rang this man up, he asked if I had a business card since I mentioned I was in Music. Asking for a business card was obviously his way of asking for my number, so I just gave him that instead because I was, you know, working at a sandwich shop in the middle of the night.

So anyways, we went on a first date, and it was whatever. We ended up going to see a stupid movie that I didn’t want to see. The new Hunger Games movie had just come out and I definitely wanted to see that, but instead he picked the movie, and I can’t even tell you the name of it I was so uninterested. That first date definitely takes second place on the worst date scale, but the second date... that’s where it actually got worse.

I arrived on time to a restaurant in Downtown Burbank, and he was waiting patiently for me. We checked in at the front and waited to be seated on the benches outside, and that’s when it happened. This beautiful man that I was on a date with leaned in and kissed me, except, it was awful. His breath tasted like a rotten can of tuna that had been left out in the sun for a week in July. I couldn’t help but make a disgusted face, and he asked what was wrong. Internally I was laughing so hard I could cry, but being the delicate flower that I am, I said there was nothing wrong.

At dinner, it got worse. Well, first it got better, because I ordered an amazing meal, but then... then it got worse. "Wonderwall" by Oasis came on (no that’s not the bad part), and for some reason I said “Oh, I love this song!” This man looked me dead in the eye and said with the most pompous English accent I have ever heard, “Do you even know the lyrics?” If I had rolled my eyes any harder, they probably would’ve fallen out of my head. This was where I spoke every lyric along with the song just to prove him wrong.

This was followed with numerous comments about how unbelievably cool he was as a person, because cool people need to convince other people they are cool. For those of you wondering how I ended up on a second date with this tool, I’ll advise you to not make your first date a movie. You will not talk enough to understand where he lie on the bad date scale.

Sometimes I think about this guy, and wish I remembered his name. Then, I remember how he flirted with the waitress right in front of me and stared at her behind as she walked away. I’m sure there people have been on worse dates, but the taste this man’s ego-centric personality left in my mouth was worse than the taste of his breath.

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