I Will Never Be One of Them

I will never be one of them. A statement that has been in my mind since elementary school. I will never be one of them.

I will never be their "best friend." I am not as smart or fun or attractive or whatever in that moment. In school, it meant everything. I felt I could never conform. We're always encouraged to be different, unique or our own person. But what if we're just... there.

Not unique but also not like everyone else.

Just there. Just on the sidelines of life. Living, of course.

In school, I was never on a team. I had friends, of course, just a few... enough. Enough to feel as though I actually did belong. Of course and to this day, I think they are better than me. While I kind of settled down and did what I thought was the norm (School- College- Married, etc.), they are all in school still working on their Masters and PhDs, finding so much more that life has to offer. I’m not saying I am jealous, no, I wouldn’t go that far. I just feel like we're at different parts in our lives and different levels of maturity. Don’t get me wrong , they are really great friends. I really like them. Things have changed—we aren’t in high school anymore, I know. All throughout high school I always thought I would never be as smart or pretty as them. To this day, I believe that, this very day.

Some people may believe beauty, amongst other things, is in the eye of the beholder. I just know that I can never be one of them. I firmly believe if I was to stay in school for as long as they have, my head would have blown up by now. But that’s just me. Good for them for striving for their best, for research, and for academic excellence. I just will never be one of them.

I will never be a good wife. I cannot handle a home. I am not as put together as other wives I see. How could I even be there for another person if I was still working on myself?

I will never be one of them.

Currently, I am married and living in a rural area, somewhere I thought I would never be. I was raised in a small town in Ontario. Parents divorced, one older sister and a cat that lived for what seemed like forever. Life was always busy shuttling here and staying there for a night. I witnessed both my parents succeed, in different ways of course, but to each their own. For some reason, when I was younger, the thought of getting married never crossed my mind. Being a wife, I just never thought I could be one of them.

My husband has always said I am a good wife. He is very supportive and kind. But trust me, it has only been two years and things can always go downhill. I am not afraid of that. I have witnessed the positive and negative effects it has. We have both always said we can or would easily work through it. I do not doubt that for a second.

Sometimes, I think of what my friends and family think of me. Am I right to say all of this? Maybe my friends are jealous of me? Maybe I am actually a good wife? Maybe I am just incredibly critical of myself? I will never be one of them, I do realize that. But will this revolving cycle ever stop?

Probably not.