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I've made up my mind on the matter. I've had just about enough of this nonsense.
Years and years I spent anxiously awaiting its arrival. For hours, I would daydream about "the one"... the one that would finally come along and steal my heart away. He would have kind eyes, a nice smile, and would take my breath away. I never imagined grand gestures or flowers or an astounding wedding. What I fantasized about was a person that understood me like no one else. Someone I could confide in, and who felt they could confide in me. Someone I could always count on, someone that would be there through thick and thin. Someone who loved all of me. The insecure, the broken, the weak, the scared... they saw it all, and they dove in head first. Of course, I would reciprocate all of this. That was the love that I couldn't wait for. But, somehow, I left out any trace of heartbreak.
Well, life sure didn't leave that part out. I found that guy, I got that connection. I fell hard for him. Harder than I ever have before. He was the first guy I ever loved, and I intended to spend my whole life with him. I still would, if he wanted to. But, life and circumstances out of my control got in the way. Such is life. So, here I am, listening to Def Leppard, buzzed, at 12 AM, yet again. And I am making a big life decision. This love stuff? Yeah, I've had just about enough of that. Next time around, I think I'll pass.
If I told this to my 13-year-old self, she would gasp in horror and slap me in the face. And I wouldn't blame her. My whole life was spent waiting for the moment I fell in love. I knew I would fall the way Gatsby did; all I wanted was for my Daisy to love me back the same way. But that wouldn't make for a memorable book, now would it? Well, I guess that goes for my life, too. I'd love to go to my young self, look her in the eyes, and tell her, "Slow your roll, you don't know the pain that can come with it."
Wiser me was not there to save me, though. And even if wiser me had been there, I think I would have disregarded her. Because he was everything I could've wanted and more. I won't tell that story again. But I will say this: it fucking hurt.
And now, here I am again. Not quite single, but certainly not in a relationship. I'm hanging by a thread, feeling alone and hurt and like all I can really do is limp along down the road, and hope nothing else too catastrophic happens.
These past few months have been the most emotionally draining and tumultuous months of my life. While there is a lot of happiness that comes with love, there is a whole lot of heartache. And this guy I was with (am with, I suppose), he's something special. He really is. And I know everyone says that, and I'm sure there is someone special for everyone. Well, this guy is it for me. And despite all the pain and the heartache, he was so special, I felt—and still feel—all that pain was worth it. I would go through all that pain over again, to be with him. In a heartbeat. But for someone else? I'm not so sure.
Maybe it's just my naivety showing. Or my downer-ness overpowering my optimism for the time being. But I don't think I would want to go through all of this pain for someone else. For someone other than him. I've had about enough of it. If I'm not getting my happily-ever-after with him, I think I'd like to go back to sunny afternoons of carefree nonchalance. Go back to wondering what I'd be doing next summer, planning nights out with some pals that end with me happily-buzzed and falling asleep laughing. Summer afternoons napping by the pool, taking my dog out to the park, and late nights spent listening to music and laughing with people I love. Not a care in the world. No crushing feeling of abandonment and rejection when he doesn't want to see me. No anxiety when he seems more distant than normal. No stress wondering what, if anything, I've done wrong. I don't want to feel empty inside for someone else. I don't want to sit sadly by the phone, waiting for anyone but him to call. I want to be me again. If he isn't going to keep me in the chains of love, no one else will.
"I ain't never gonna be
Eaten by the monster of love."