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If Only I Was the Only One

This story is more of a diary log that I have created. Today, I learned something that changed the way I thought of things because I never expected that there was another.

I thought I knew, but I’m a lot more clueless than I first thought. I thought he liked me, well, now I’m not so sure. There is another, we will just call her Ella for the protection of, well, myself. He talks to Ella often, very clearly. Ella could just be a friend but at this point, I’m not so sure. I honestly highly doubt it. So why does he keep leading me on? He left me on read, but he talks to her all day long. But he chose to sit next to me instead of anywhere else in the room. He will walk into a room and choose to come and talk to me instead of his friends.

We have our very own joke. Sometimes people will laugh at the joke but in the end, it is more for the two of us. He chose to talk to me late at night. But left me on read when my exhaustion took the best of me. The next morning I chose to start again, but in the end, he left me on read a second time. But Ella, who will now forever be in the back of my mind as the one who has him more than I. Regardless of who she truly is, she gets to talk to him more than me. She gets to manifest his mind and learn about who he truly is whenever she pleases.

Maybe I just got too excited about a person attempting to be nice. I liked it better when there was nobody, just my friends and I. It was like that for 7 months. Yes, there were lonely times when I would lay in my bed and wish there was someone who I could talk to late at night. I feel like I ask for just an inch and he gives me a millimeter. It is so confusing and I feel like it doesn’t have to be. I just wish that he would make it clearer because if I am wasting my time I won’t take any more time on him.

But how could I possibly ask such a question without feeling the awkwardness that would arise if he said no? The thing about this world is that there are no guarantees, this isn’t some magical fairytale where it is guaranteed that my prince will come. I don't know, so now I wait, hoping for a break. Everyone says that he’s weird, loud, and obnoxious, but there is a side of him that hides within, one that rarely shows itself. But that side of him is something that he has so openly shared with me. It has shown a sweet side that I never knew existed, one that clearly not many have seen. That side shows vulnerability and compassion. I wish I could see that side more often, but sadly I have to take it as it comes, and it sure doesn’t come often.

He talked to Ella about me today, he was talking and I described something for him. He used my name and was so openly happy to use it. Ella didn’t seem to even question who I was. She actually said that “I seemed like I knew what I was talking about.” So if she was someone who was with him, why wouldn’t she ask who I was? The confusion that flowed over me when he openly showed me, devoured me. I can’t fully understand the emotions that I feel, I wish I could control it, but I can’t. But the longing for the knowledge of her identity eats at me every passing minute.

I allowed myself to fall for him. For so long I just acted like his teasing was friendly jokes, then when he began to step it up, I lost sight of how I felt and how he felt. Maybe for him, he stepped it up for a reason, maybe that means something. But from the standpoint that I am at now, I feel as if he stepped it up just because he thought we were becoming closer friends.

He has made it clear that he has thought about me after school hours. He has sent posts about “Tiffanys that I know” to his friends. He has told me that he has thought about the things he has sent me, even after we stopped talking. But it has only been one week. In one weeks time, I have completely changed what I have thought of him. So, for now, I must wait, to see what changes, maybe Ella is not who I think she is, but in the grand scheme of things, I guess it doesn’t matter. It will all work out eventually but I wish to know what goes through his mind. I hope that it works out in my favor instead of Ella’s because I have the one thing that she does not. Regardless of who she is, I am able to talk to him in person as long as I want to during the day. I can walk up to him and start a conversation if I want. But the thing that follows that thought is courage.

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If Only I Was the Only One
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