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It’s funny how things can turn out all in your favor; it’s funny how our feelings are just temporary. I got over the breakup situation with my ex but not my feelings of love for him. I saw him for the first time after not contacting him for a month, and it was hard to see him because he was still going down a dark path. He was arrested, still doing drugs, and could possibly be going to jail soon. The girl he cheated with was still obsessed with him and kept calling him the whole time he was with me. I genuinely believed that he really did not have feelings for her and was using her like he told me. It’s a really bad situation that I’m happy I’m out of. All the people in his life currently he is just using, and all he cares about is drugs right now.
I thought I was the only one suffering, but I really just picked myself up and started to seek people to talk to along with finding more things to occupy my time. I cried when I needed to cry, and I started to go out more and make new connections with people. In my situation, I did cheat on my ex before, I knew it was wrong, and if I could I would go back in time to make sure it would never happen. We were also stuck in a situation that wasn’t changing, and in the end, he stated that he wanted to break up, so I could change, but I’m the only one who’s doing better.
When I saw him, I expected him to be skinnier and really look like he was on drugs. It was weird to see each other again because we both couldn’t help but smile, despite the situation, not knowing why we were smiling at all. It felt like nothing had changed between us, but a lot has. He was a bit skinnier, his hair was longer, but he still looked the same to me. I asked him all the questions that were on my mind. I asked him if he loved me and cared about me, and when he said he did I felt that it was genuine. He was the type of person that liked to put up a facade that he has no feelings at all and that he was fine. We ended up hugging and his heartbeat was quick, he hid the fact that he was crying; he didn’t want to pour out all his emotions. He almost broke down when he said that he couldn’t take me back no matter how much he wanted to because he had to change and become better. I was vulnerable and ended up asking him if he would even come back to me, and he said he would once he changed. It’s never good to wait for someone, but I believe that if we really are meant to be, then we will come back together stronger than ever. We didn’t have the healthiest relationship, but all the time we spent together was something that really isn’t replaceable. It felt like we shared a soul. We had a lot of rough times that everyone saw, but when we were happy it was only us who saw it.
He wanted to be friends still, and I’d honestly be there for him because it’s painful to see someone you love going through a tough time and just feeling so helpless. When we said our goodbyes, we hugged and it just warmed my heart that he really did still love and care about me. He rubbed his head against mine and he patted my head. As I was wiping my tears he pinched my cheeks and reminded me that I was doing better. I wanted to be back with him so badly, but I had to remind myself that we both needed to work on ourselves because we never had that chance while we were in a relationship. We were just too focused on each other. He wanted to kiss me goodbye. I could tell he was holding himself back, but we both knew it was wrong.
It makes me feel more at ease to know that I loved him and he loved me, that he still cares about me. I do believe that if we are meant to be, then we will be together. I’ll continue to work on myself and start to prioritize myself more, I hope that I can become stronger and that over time I will heal. I forgive him and I will accept what he has chosen because you can’t change someone unless they want to on their own. He will always hold a special place in my heart.