If You're Thinking About Snooping Through Your Bae's Phone

Snooping through your significant other's phone is just another one of those encounters that reveals more to you about yourself than about the other person. When you feel the need to snoop through your significant other's phone, it's telling you that your relationship is revealing an insecurity of yours. For most people, the insecurity is fear: fear of being left alone, fear of lack of control, fear of inadequacy. The funny thing about fear is that the only person who can best address it is the person feeling it.

When faced with insecurity in a relationship, it is up to you, the person feeling it, and solely you to assess if that relationship is helping or healing that insecurity and how. It's a tricky thing to do, discerning if the light that is being shed on your insecurity comes from someone who aims to offer it harm or to offer it solace. Yet, it must be done. If you are able to pinpoint how the relationship is healing or helping your insecurity, you can make the best decision for you when it comes to thinking about snooping through another's phone.

Let me pause briefly. I do not condone ever searching through another's phone. Though I am someone who is currently practicing greater detachment from my device, I can't imagine the violation of privacy that I'd feel if I discovered someone went through my phone without my permission. Because many of my family members and close friends don't live near me or even in the same time zone, my phone is a space where I have some of my most intimate conversations with others. It also holds space for my conversations with myself. My notes are full of drafts, poem ideas, quick sentences or storylines that I haven't yet decided to share with anyone else but me. To invade that is a fighting action and a fair cause to encounter my personal wrath.

With that in mind, I don't think you should snoop through your person's phone. But since you're still thinking about it, let's get back to discerning. Let's say you've reflected and you believe the relationship could be healing your insecurity. If that's the case, then you need to make sure you're not the one who is helping it to grow by searching for fear fodder. Deny the urge to reinforce a notion that you don't actually want to be true for you and your life.

But if the relationship is helping your insecurity, or rather, feeding it and helping you believe that it has a permanent home in your heart, then you need to ask yourself why you'd rather violate the privacy of another human being (who has every right to privacy in the same way that you do) to find out the truth, instead of just asking. If you really want to know the truth, force yourself to step out from behind insecurity and ask your significant other to tell you the truth about whatever is making you suspicious. Go forth and seek the information you wish to know. Yes, you may be lied to, but you maintain your personal power and integrity, which allows you to be ready to reassess the situation and act in the now. Not in the past next to your insecurity, or in the future next to your fear, and whatever caused them. It will be your responsibility to assess whether or not the relationship is worth the recurring emotions of dealing with the insecurity or not, but no one else can quell your insecurities, address them, or do the work that heals them fully, except you. Because you have the power in your life. Not your person, not your insecurity. You.

Know this: Going through a phone isn't going to solve your insecurity. What solves your insecurities is looking them in the face, seeing them for what they are, and making conscious decisions to honor yourself fully, insecurities and all. If you know that trust is a sore factor for you in a relationship, consider trusting the other person with that fact. When a person knows that learning what it's like to be able to fully trust someone is important to you, if they really care about your relationship, then they'll make earning your trust a priority. If the sore spot is quality time, ensure that you have quality time with yourself so you know what kind of quality time you are interested in from another (and what kind you're not). No matter what the sore spot is, you have power and can take the necessary actions to address whatever you discover when you look at an insecurity with the intent to reveal something about yourself instead of another person. Remember: When you point one finger at someone, there are three pointed back at you, so take advantage of that. The more you know about yourself, the more you'll understand what you attract.