I’m Worth More Than You Made Me Feel

When we first met, things were amazing. We hung out all the time, we laughed together, and we had fun. I enjoyed every second with you. I was happy again, and I was finally letting myself fall in love again. I had taken the time needed I learn how to love myself, and with you, I decided I was ready to love someone else again.

You were different than my normal type. You weren’t the tall, lanky, nerdy/geeky guy I normally fell for. I couldn’t mold you into the boyfriend I wanted you to be, but I learned to love you anyways. Your crazy, questionable past, your stubbornness, your attitude that gave mine a run for its money; none of it scared me away. Not at first, at least. Then you got smart. You started to learn how much I was falling for you, and you used it to your advantage. You were so good with your words, and you knew exactly how to manipulate me. I didn’t see it for a while. All my friends did, but I just let it happen. I pretended it was just how you were, and I defended you to all of my friends. I guess you learn who your true friends are when they stick with you through all the bullshit I dealt with from you.

Then the bad things started to add up. I started to see them, and even I couldn’t defend them anymore. You would forget to pick me up when I let you use my car, and you would sleep all morning while convincing me to get all of your things ready for work, lunch and all. You lied to me about going to see family for the night, and I know you cheated on me at least once and tried to cover it up. When I started confronting you about the lies, you always somehow turned it on me. The argument ALWAYS ended with me apologizing and saying “it won’t happen again, please give me another chance.” But it wasn’t me who needed another chance, it was you.

I gave you everything. When you needed somewhere for your dog to live, I was there. When you needed somewhere to stay, I came to the rescue. When you needed a ride to work, I worked around my schedule. I trusted you blindly whenever you said you were going out, and then I found out you were lying about where you were at. And of course, my dumbass believed you. I continued to believe you even after catching you red handed, that’s how much I cared about you. I desperately wanted you to change. I wanted to change you, and I wanted you to love me the way I loved you. Eventually it became clear that wasn’t going to happen.

I was getting drained, physically, emotionally, and mentally. One day a coworker asked how I was doing, and that’s when I realized I wasn’t doing okay. Because of you. Because of your manipulation, your gaslighting, and your utter bullshit. I decided that night that this had to end.

I told myself I would give you a week to let me talk to you and see if anything would change. I didn’t want to just freak out and end everything without an explanation. Nothing changed. Of course nothing changed, so I made the decision to end it. It was so much harder than I thought it would be, because even though I realized how toxic this was, and how unhealthy my relationship was, I still love you. I still wanted to make things work with you. But I can't be the only one putting in effort. I can't be the only one fighting to make us work, but you didn't care. You didn't want to fight for us, so I stopped caring, too. Except that's just what I told myself. All of me still cared, and of course, I kept giving you chance after chance. I kept letting you back in, I kept letting you treat me like an object, because I thought you would learn better. I thought you would learn to love me the way I wanted to be loved. I kept holding out hope that we could make things work.

Finally, it hit me. Insanity is continuing to do the same thing hoping for different results. Me giving you all these chances was literally insanity. I wasn't crazy because of all the reasons you were trying to make me think made me crazy, I was crazy for letting you keep making me think I was crazy. You stopped coming at night, and that's when I realized it was really over. When you stopped coming home from work, and you stopped telling me you weren't coming home from work, it was over. You still would kiss me goodbye and tell me you loved me, but I don't think you meant it at that point. Maybe you did, but not in the way I needed to be loved. That's when I really, truly realized that I am worth so much more than you were making me out to be. I would have given you the absolute world if you let me, but now it's your loss. I'll find someone who will let me give them the world, and they won't take advantage of it or forget to appreciate it like you did. I always thought growing up that my biggest flaw was that I cared too much for people, even if they didn't care for me as much, but you taught me that my biggest flaw isn't that I care too much, it's that I care about the wrong people. I care about the people who have shown me time and time again that they don't care for me as much as I do for them, and you were one of them. I cared so much for you, and I thought I could fix you, and I didn't want to give up on you. In doing that for you, I ended up giving up on myself. I convinced myself that helping you was more important than caring about myself, but that isn't true.

I do wish you the best. Regardless of the way you treated me, I want things to work out for you. I wish they would have worked out with me, but sometimes we can't always get what we want, and the best thing to do is realize what you NEED, especially when that doesn't coincide with what you want. I realized that I NEEDED to stop trying to fix you, even though I wanted to. Part of me still wants to fix you. Part of me wants to call you right now and tell you how much I miss you, but I know that the cycle would just continue, and it isn't worth depleting my already shaky mental health.

I'm worth more than an object. I am more than a housewife, and I not some submissive, lonely little girl. I am strong, I am loving, and I am worth the entire world. Nothing you can do or say anymore will change that.