Dealing with a breakup of a marriage or long term relationship will always be a very hurtful time but it doesn’t mean you are a failure or your life is over. There are thousands of people in the same situation but the good news is; there is someone special out there for you when you are ready to receive them.
The most important thing to remember is we all deserve real love in our lives but we have to allow it into our lives! Life is definitely complicated and we are all here on this continual learning curve about who we are and what really makes us happy.
What makes us choose the wrong person?
- Sometimes this happens when we are young and maybe a little naive.
- We settle for someone we like but don’t really love.
- We may talk ourselves into a relationship due our ticking birthday clocks and wanting children.
- It could also be due the pressure from our family and friends!
- We just get caught up in the amazing sexual chemistry without making sure the relationship is a really good fit.
A “forever” partnership is not an easy thing to maintain for the average couple as we are all evolving at different stages in our lives. Unless we grow in similar directions, this will be a big problem for many people.
5 tell tale indicators that your marriage/relationship is over:
- You’ve lost that loving feeling; you no longer look forward to coming home and find reasons not to.
- You feel constant anxiety in their presence; which could be from fear/abusive situations, extreme boredom or loss of respect for them.
- There is no sexual attraction at all & in some cases you may even feel repulsed by the thought of having sex with them!
- You both have absolutely nothing in common and you have grown in completely different directions.
- You’ve tried counseling and even they give you a business card for a divorce lawyer!
So now what do you do?
What will everyone say and how do you deal with the aftermath of the breakup?
People talk and love a good story so don’t give them one. It is sad but true how others get enjoyment out of someone else’s misery! Be careful not to allow those people to get too close to you at this vulnerable time.
You are fragile enough without having to deal with all the gossip and judgmental comments from them as well.
This is your life and no one should be talking about your business but you & your Ex; especially if there are children involved. It is easy to vent to anyone who will listen but it really is in your best interest to only divulge things to a trusted friend or family member. You don’t need the added drama.
Isn’t it easier just to stay in this relationship rather to have to fight to get out of it?
Nothing is easier when it is unhealthy. Everyone deserves to be happy and have a loving partnership.
Many people stay in relationships due to the kids, but don’t fool yourself into thinking this is always the best scenario. Children are sponges and pick up on a lot more than you may realize. If they see a loveless marriage for most of their lives it can cause problems in their own relationships down the road.
Money is another big reason for many couples to stay together but you have to ask yourself if it is really worth it in the long run to be tied to someone for only that reason.
You are holding on to "one aspect" and giving up so many other qualities of life. It’s not all about the big house or fancy car; reciprocated love is worth way more than any material item. (Great sex helps too!)
10 steps that can help you to get over a divorce or long term relationship breakup:
1. Take some time away from communicating with your Ex to really understand what went wrong, what you learned & how to improve upon yourself. There are ALWAYS two sides to a breakup. Knowing that you also played a part in it will bring you “closure” faster. Talking to them or constantly seeing them “in person” just makes it that much harder to get over them.
2. Do not jump into another relationship right away! You have to heal your heart before you can give it to someone else. (It is also very hurtful for the rebound partner because you still have too much emotional baggage to involve someone else into the mix!)
3. Concentrate on doing things you wanted to do but couldn’t do when you were in your relationship.
4. Join clubs, take courses and go on a vacation or weekend trek somewhere. Get your thoughts in a positive space and not in front of the TV watching dick/chick flicks & binging on pizza, ice cream, take out or other fast food options.
5. Binge drinking will make you more depressed; booze isn’t the answer!
6. Relieve your sexual tension ~ alone! (Unless you have a “friends with benefits partner” that you have a mutual non-committal agreement with.) Sex with someone too soon can mess you up even more! The phrase “To get over one, get under another!” is not always a great idea as it can make you miss your ex even more!
7. Put your energy into “you” (& the kids if you are a parent) not into finding another partner immediately. Being healthy and looking & feeling good is the best way to move forward. You will be surprised at how much better your mindset is when venturing out for a walk in the sunshine, hitting the gym or hiking in the wilderness. Nature is a beautiful way too to help erase the sadness in your heart.
8. Get rid of romantic pictures of the once happy couple and memories that cause pain. Delete your Ex off any social media connections you have with them. Do not start “creeping them out” on Facebook or Instagram to see what they are up to and how much fun they are having without you. It will only make it harder to get over them & some of those photos are just an act anyway!
9. Remember that they loved you once so don’t think the breakup is easy for them either; they just might be better at faking it than you are!
10. Don’t make excuses as to why you can’t do new things to alter this new phase in your life. The more diverse you are, the less time you will have to be angry, sad or resentful.
Tips to help you to get back out socializing after a divorce/breakup:
• Wait at least 6 months to 1 year before you take dating in a more serious mode & do not make any major living arrangements with a new person for at least a year.
• Get off your couch! Prospective dates aren’t going to knock on your front door! Buy a dog or borrow one if you need a push to get out in public. (Walking a Great Dane or a puppy of any variety would certainly get you noticed!)
• If your friends have left you with the divorce you will need to find some new people to enjoy outings with. Join groups that interest you and I can’t stress it enough to put yourself out into mingle situations constantly! It cuts the breakup blues in half!
• I do suggest you try online dating when you are ready to get out there again but ask someone to help you with your profile & the “initial weeding out” of unsuitable prospects so you have a better understanding of what to look for. Many things change when you have been out of the singles market for 5+ years!
• Try not to continually cry to your friends about your breakup but be receptive to their advice and help if they offer it. Don’t be fearful of altering some things about yourself. Diversity and change is the key to leading an exciting life!
• Loosen up! Especially, if you are a control freak or a stickler for a repetitive routine. (It is much nicer to be around people who are flexible.)
• Have a makeover ~ you may be stuck in an outdated or boring style. Does your hair or mustache scream 1980 porn star or does your wardrobe consist of sweatpants & big girl panties from Walmart? Change it up!
• Take time away from your career or your kids for just “you” by doing something that you love. Burying yourself in tedious tasks to pretend that you’re not in pain is prolonging the breakup aftermath.
• Hire a dating coach if you feel lost on what to do. Even just a few sessions will help you regain your confidence in being newly single.
• Remember you are not alone. Breakups happen every day and there are plenty of online resources to help you deal with the ache in your heart. Help is always available; don’t be afraid to ask for it.
Take the good things from your past marriage/relationship breakup & bring them into your future partnership down the road.
Each lesson we learn is a stepping stone that teaches us many things about ourselves & every one of them has its purpose. Acknowledging them and how they helped us grow as a person will lead us closer to a long lasting love and knowing who we truly are.
Relationship breakups don’t define who you are and can be a really good thing because it forces you to look deeper into what you may not have been aware of about yourself.
Love is the most valuable gift that we all are blessed to have at our fingertips and is available whenever we are ready.
Once you understand that you are the one in charge of bringing the love you desire into your world; the sooner you will realize that every step you took on that road to get there, was worth the bumpy ride.
Believe you deserve love because you do!
Susan McCord @ The Dear Sybersue Talk Show
Susan McCord (aka Dear Sybersue) is a Dating/Relationship Talk Show Host, Published Author, Certified Life Coach, Blogger & Advice Columnist. She is a mature woman with young sassy attitude! She’s been there done that and has so many T-shirts she can open her own store! She’s like the fun & crazy aunt you always wanted in the family!