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Inappropriate and Indecisive

A Journey Through Heartbreak

By Emilie AnnedotterPublished 7 years ago 18 min read
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Chapter One

I could have written a hundred pages on what he looked like, as well as his personality, described both the good and the bad sides. I have so much to say about myself, my feelings and my views of the world, about our relationship, how it was built and what it consisted of. This is a piece of what happens in one’s head when being misled, betrayed, and ignored by someone you had trusted with your heart.

The first time I wrote about him, everything was great between us. My life was a mess, but he was there, and it really helped. He was someone who guided me through times where I faced big decisions with life changing outcomes. So, I started writing about him in my personal, somewhat dark, journal. He deserved a spot there. I wrote that he was a miracle, and he was, for he taught me patience and how it feels to finally be loved back by someone you have wanted for so long. I did love him for very long.

We were just friends at first, for a year or so, and there came a time when I asked him what he thought about me and us together. He replied honestly that he did not know yet. So, I gave him time to figure it out. I trusted that he was not playing with my feelings, but told me the truth when he said he was unsure about me. About a month or so later he told me he loved me. We were so happy to be together, and I felt like all the waiting was worth it. I told him he probably broke a couple of hearts when he chose me, but he never thought of himself as someone who every girl would want. He was a little introvert, kind and polite, good looking and all around a very nice guy. It took me months to get to know him, and it was very untypical me, as I am a restless and impatient girl.

I have never loved anyone like I loved him, and it was amazing and terrifying at the same time. I had never let anyone into my heart like that before. For the first time, I felt like if one of us were going to end up with their heart broken, it was going to be me. Unfortunately, I was right.

I remember I wrote that he was kind of my oxygen, and when I was with him, he made it easier for me to breathe. Now, I am suffocating, and it feels like I am constantly about to throw up. I never would have thought he would be the one to make feel so bad.

It begins like this. After being together for six months, his day of departure was coming closer, and with it, our long-distance relationship. We knew me might not make it, but we were going to try. He promised me we would be fine, and I thought that if he could promise me that, he had to be serious about us. We agreed that as long as we did not want to be with anyone else, we might as well stay together, visit each other, and see how it goes. He promised me he wanted this to work, and we were always going to let each other know if our feelings started to change.

That is why I was completely unprepared for what was coming for me. I went from being promised those things, thinking we were perfectly fine and had a good, strong relationship, to losing everything I relied on. I still cannot believe how he could hurt me this much. My best friend, and my great love.

Exactly one week after he moved away, and I had moved back to my hometown across the country, he dumped me. I did not see that coming, at all. No one did. I was already struggling with myself because all my dreams were crushed, I had lost identity, and I did not even want to move back to the city I left three years ago. I was lonely, and I missed him like crazy. He called one night and said he had lost his feelings for me during summer. He never said anything to me about it because he wanted to see if they came back. They did not, and with the distance between us he just could not see how this could work. So, there I was, broken-hearted, and absolutely devastated. I went from thinking everything was fine, to being dumped after one week of our long-distance relationship. I felt like I had everything I wanted in one minute, and then the next I had nothing.

Fortunately, I found something to be mad at him for, because obviously you cannot hate anyone based on how they feel, that is uncontrollable, but I could hate him for cheating on me. He did not want me to know that he had cheated, so I found out the day after he dumped me because the girl messaged me saying how sorry she was. She did not know about me until after they slept together, and he even said to her that he had told me everything. He had been so confused about his feelings for me, and gotten super drunk, so he just chose to forget about me. I, his devoted girlfriend, who was lonely and lovesick. I sat at home worrying sick because he had not texted me, or updated me on anything all day. I was alone, I loved him and missed him desperately, and he made a choice that hurt me more than any physical wound ever could.

The following days I could not get any sleep, or even eat anything. I was feverish, and it felt like I could throw up everything that was hurting inside me. I just sat in my room, stared at the wall, had a few phone calls with friends, and a few with him. At night, I screamed into my pillows, hoping I would not wake the neighbors up, my body was shaking uncontrollably and I just wanted to disappear. I have never felt that much pain in my entire life. That says something. I had lost everything. Everyone, mostly me, was in shock. How could that nice boy do something so awful, when all I had done was love and cherish him?

I felt like he had absolutely no respect for me, or our eight months-long relationship. If he really loved me and respected me, he would have called me that night and told me what he had done. If he really loved me he would have gotten on the first flight here and begged me for forgiveness. But he did not want to be with me anymore anyways, so it was easy for him to say that after what he had done, he did not want me to be with someone like him. I deserved more. That is correct.

The first thing I wrote after he betrayed me was how I had magically gotten better much quicker than I thought. I felt it was easier to just write everything down, no one understood what I was thinking anyway, and I could not talk to him. It was approximately ten days after. I had seen him that weekend, seven days after he dumped me, and we talked it over. I understood why he felt as he did, and he cried a lot. But the main reason why I am writing this right now is because my feelings changed a lot during the first three weeks. I felt things I knew were wrong, hoped for things I should have kept myself from hoping, and I tried to convince myself to forget him, without luck.

I knew he did not deserve me, nor my tears. I did. I know for myself, and those around me who believed in me, that it was disrespectful to not want our relationship to end. I knew I should forget about him, shut the door, and move on. He did something horrible to me, and I should never forgive him for it. I should not want to see him again, but I could not help it. I could never stop loving someone just like that, and I missed him terribly. I should not want to talk to him, look at him and definitely not touch him again, but I did. I wanted all those things. We all knew he had completely ruined everything, and how could I ever trust him again? I wish I could feel what I was supposed to feel… You are not supposed to want someone back after being betrayed like that, but I did. I hoped he still wanted me. My heart is racing as I am typing this, because it is all wrong, what I have been feeling is not right or fair. But I wanted to be with him again, and I have been so afraid that he would not want the same.

Later I wrote that I was surprisingly good at keeping my thoughts away from him. But sometimes it stings a little, and hurts a bit more. I still constantly feel this rock inside me, burdening me, and pressuring at all my weak spots. I wish I was stronger, for my sake and those around me. I should not have been so nice to him that weekend we met. I should have convinced myself that I was better off without him. I am so naïve and so weak for him. I always have been. I waited for him to love me back, I gave him the time to figure it out and I was there to welcome him when he was ready. Now he is in control again. I loved him more and more, while he loved me less. So, now that he is ready to let go, he is still all I want. While he is living his life, figuring out how he is better off without me, I will still miss him. He is in control, and I am nothing but a puzzle piece in this crazy game of his.

I always hope. Over time I have developed ways to survive massive disappointments and setbacks. No matter what happens, I push it away and I start hoping things will turn out the way I want them to. It feels like letting myself step into a fantasy world, and for just a few, mesmerizing seconds, I can forget how much pain I am in. I have always done this, but I do not really know how healthy it is. Some days I feel like hoping he will miss me more and more, and eventually realize how much he needs me.

When the date showed one more week until the break was over and we were going to have “the talk,” I spent my time hoping that when the day came, he was going to tell me how much he had hated being without me, and how much he wanted me back. I knew that it most likely would not happen. Most likely, he was going to tell me how much better we were without each other, and “we” did not have a relationship anymore. I thought that during the first week he had probably figured out how delightful it was to have no one but himself to focus on, and he could finally live his fun life without worrying about me. I will most likely still hope that one day he will call and tell me he regrets everything.

I was never ready for it to end there. I thought we were fine and that we would be together at least a few more months. It was so frustrating, of course, I will always be okay, but I am so tired of always losing the things I love. Broken dreams one day, and a broken heart the other. I have always gotten what I wanted, but only to feel it at the tip of my fingers before it gets ripped away. The things I have worked so hard for, the person I have loved more than anything and would do anything to keep. When will I get to keep something that is mine and makes me great? I am doing my best, I push myself, and everyone keeps telling me how amazing I am and how I have never deserved any of this. So why does it keep happening? Why can I never keep the things I cherish, or the person I have loved the most?

For you (because I hope one day you will read this, and feel awful).

There are so many things I want to talk to you about. Not the situation we are in, because I honestly just want to forget that. I want things to be normal again, so I can tag you in photos that remind me of you or us. I want to text you when I want, and call you every night, and I want us to talk like we used to. If only you had not pretended everything was fine, until you ruined everything and broke me, and now we are in this awful place where we cannot even say anything to each other. Everything I try not to think about, haunts me. I miss, I am hurting, I am angry, hurt and sorry. Only because I had to love you. You are having fun, you are okay, and I get it; you are through.

It kills me to think about how you wanted another girl. While I thought we were good, and you promised you would be with me even though we were miles apart. It will always hurt every time I think about it. I have always believed how good you are, I have loved you with all your flaws, and I trusted you. I trusted you with my heart, and you crushed it. If that one action is going to define what you are really like, then you never deserved my love. And I hope you have to battle your conscience for a very long time.

One week into our break, with one more left without speaking to each other, he was out drinking with all his new, great friends. I know because he posted a picture that practically ruined my night. Mostly because I do not understand how he could just move on with his life without me, and how he could even live with himself after what he did. How can life just move on while I am stuck and struggling with accepting that my beautiful, rainbow-relationship was ruined? He also wore a shirt that looked like the one he wore on our first date. That was the first time he asked a girl out, and because he dressed up, everyone knew it was important. I had been in a hurry, my makeup was all messy and I was kind of uncomfortable with it, but he thought I was pretty. I was so happy then. We both were.

He used to call me when he got drunk, long before we got together. I was kind of hoping he would do it again that night, but he did not. Last time he was drinking he slept with another girl. The time before that he missed me so much he nearly cried.

I had been kind to him when we met again after he dumped me. He cried a lot so I knew he was sorry. We slept next to each other again, and I think it had the effect I wanted. I wanted him to feel one more time how great it is to wake up next to me. I was the first thing he saw when he opened his eyes that morning, and for a few seconds he laid there without remembering what had happened between us. Then he remembered, and he cried. I was surprisingly calm. I just wanted him to feel what it was like to wake up with me, and how much it hurt to know that it was the last time. I hoped maybe it would make the next weeks a little bit more difficult for him. I felt happy and sad at the same time when he cried and said, “I just feel so stupid for ruining this.” He is stupid. Because what we had could have lasted.

If he wants to be free and is happy being single, I totally get it. I just hope that deep down inside, he would rather be with me. I was not ready for this to end, and I am going to use a lot of my precious time, just to get over him.

It took a while before I could drink Pepsi Max again, his favorite drink, or eat orange cakes, his favorite snack. Every time I read something related to soccer, I still think of him. All the things that remind me of him, hurts. As time goes by, those things will hopefully be fewer, and maybe I will not miss him as much as I do now.

Because of course I miss him a lot. At first it was just weird being alone, but I have gotten used to that. Some people tend to miss the physical parts of the relationship, and others might be in love with the idea of love. I miss the little things. Like how his voice sounds when the first thing he mumbles in the morning is, “Hello, little girl.” It was magical hearing him say that, and those words still haunt me. I miss how much he loves to cuddle before we get up in the morning, and how we used to lay next to each other and just exist. I miss how he brushed my hair away and rested his hand on my face, comforting me while I cried because I dreaded the day he was going to leave me. I miss the smell of him, and how I would always get wet when I used the bathroom after he had had a shower, because he makes a total mess. I loved holding hands with him, and I have memorized the furrows in the palm of his hand, and the scars on top. I miss that every time I needed someone, he was there. He was always there to hold me tight, and remind me I could conquer anything. I miss his laughter and childish-like manners, the late nights we spent just enjoying each other’s company. I loved everything about him, and I accepted the things that were not all that great, because I felt so privileged to be loved by someone I had admired for so long.

I gave myself to him, and every time someone touches me, I wish it was him instead. I loved being with him, and although I am going to be fine on my own, I will not deny that my life had been better with him in it. I miss him, and I miss us.

Then I got angry.

I have given him too much credit, a lot more than he deserves. These few weeks he has shown me just how little he cares for me, and he has allowed me to suffer at his own good. He would not even tell me he was with another girl, and he pretended that it was for my own good, when in reality he is just too much of a coward to tell me he screwed up. So, he let me believe that he dumped me after a week just because he did not want to be with me anymore, which clearly was something he had to keep me in the dark about the last months we were together, until he dumped me out of the blue. He should have called me the second he realized what an idiot he had been for cheating, and he should have gotten on the first available flight over here. He should not have let me sit here alone in the hell he made personally for me to sit in. I even had to force him to let me come to his house at the time I wanted, as if I had to take his wishes into consideration?

He knew perfectly well how much I needed him to come here and talk to me in person. He was finally going to let me know how he felt after having two weeks on his own to think things over, we were going to decide what our future together would look like, but he denied me the one thing I needed: to talk face to face. He never even respected me the tiniest bit, and he is a selfish wuss who would never do anything for me. He would never do something that he finds uncomfortable even if it is the right thing to do, and that is sure to backfire one day. Probably he had also spent all his money on beer the weekend before and could not afford to come see me even if he wanted to.

He also probably felt like he did not owe me anything. Which is hilarious, because I could have made his life a living hell, but I played nice. He did owe me. He did not even care what date the upcoming Saturday was, which happened to be a day we were supposed to have celebrated. Most likely I will always care about that more than him, but he actually let our anniversary just go by without even recognizing it. Unbelievable. But who am I kidding, he would never bother to give me anything at all, not even a little sign that that day was important. I am just stuck here hating the fact that I ever loved him. He turned out to be yet another person who was not willing to love half as much as I do. I feel used, broken, and not at all appreciated. Again.

breakups
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