Infatuation

Infatuation. Is this a word we hear too much? Or too little? I wasn't sure what infatuation was until I realized that I am the queen of it.

I am a 22 year old female and I could tell you every boy I've ever "loved" in chronological order. I've always been a little on the "boy crazy" side of life. But aren't we all ladies? To some degree at least...

Every crush I've ever had was the typical giggle when he walks by, smile when you talk to him, and stalk his Facebook pictures when I'm bored kind of crush. Until one guy, shook everything up for me. I just could not get past it.

Heres another term for you, rejection.

I think that ever since I was a little girl I pictured my life being like a well put together Disney movie. I don't think I'm the only girl that thinks like this. There are many women that just want to find their Prince Charming. At 22, that is all me and my friends think about. Who are we going to marry? When? We are not getting any younger and all we could think about is the fact that somewhere out there, is the man we are magically meant to be with for the rest of our lives.

When I was 12 years old I saw this boy at my middle school. I thought he was the most perfect human being I've ever laid my eyes on. To the point that me and my little clan of girls figured out where he lived, and we would walk by his house. Luckily, one of my close friends at the time lived right near him. So it wasn't THAT creepy... ANYWAY, word got around my tiny middle school and the boy eventually asked me to be his girlfriend. I was so excited and thrilled that I did not eat for 3 days. 3 whole days. When I look back on this I realize thats not normal.

Me and this boy stayed together for 3 years, a meaningless middle school relationship turned into a high school one. Him and I were perfect. We fit together like a puzzle piece and I wanted no one else. That is until, I got hot.

Many girls experience this growth spurt where they go from looking cute, to hot. I had a neighbor who was 2 years older than me. She would have all of her hot guy friends over her house and they all liked me. I was shocked by this and learned that if these guys like me- other ones will too. I left the boy of my dreams to learn myself with other people.

Shortly after I did this, I regretted it. But it did not take long to have my eyes on someone totally new.

When New Years Eve rolled around, I noticed a boy who was totally opposite from the guy I had just previously dated. This boy had long, curly hair. He wore a leather jacket and smoked a lot of marijuana. To someone like me, this boy was HOT because he was a "bad boy". Of course, me and this boy kissed when the ball dropped. When I had my eyes on someone, I did not back down until I got what I wanted.

Me and this boy actually lasted until valentines day. He ignored me the entire first half of the day, until he asked me to go out to dinner with him at night. I let it slide because I was infatuated with this boy. That is, until he ditched me for my junior prom about 2 weeks after valentines day. The text was, "Hi I just wanted you to know I don't feel the same way as you. If you really need someone to go to prom with you I will go, Good luck" LOL as if right?!

This was rejection. My first rejection. I was heart broken. My parents were insensitive because this boy treated me like I was nothing. My parents just wanted me to get the hell over it! and I did, when a cute boy who was older than me asked me to spend the fourth of July with him.

This boy, Michael. He still tears the heart strings. He is the exact image of someone that I want to spend the rest of my life with. He had broad shoulders, big arms, those squinty eyes that are just to die for, and the cutest smile. He was smart, hard working, and friendly to everyone. I fell. hard. He was leaving for college when the summer was over but that did not stop me from being this boy's girlfriend. My head was all over the place. Of course, when the summer was over, he left for my dream school Rutgers, New Brunswick. I had my senior year to finish.

I spent my Senior year waiting around for this boy to text me. I still loved him. I knew he was seeing other people at the back of my head but I really did not want to believe it. I had to teach myself to hate him to get over him. And of course, he would still pop up in my phone every now and then to remind me that he still exists. Which single handedly killed me.

I started community college the year after, and that is when I REALLY lost my head. My main goal was to meet a new guy, and get over Michael once and for all. That is exactly what I did. Except, the worst possible way.

It was like deja vu, I turned to my left in my first class at community college ever, English 101, and there he was.

Long dark hair, flipped at the ends like a skater boy (my personal weakness), squinty hazel eyes, and a cute little smile with a gap in his two front teeth. He was wearing a Volcom shirt which was one of my favorite brands and one of my favorite stores, Pac Sun, along with Khakis, and vans. That exact style is what I lived for.

I asked him where he was from, he told me just from a town over. I was going to make this happen. I was determined. Shortly after school began, my friend texted me and said, "This guy says he's in your English 101 class, he thinks your hot" He was talking about THAT GUY. I jumped for endless joy. Because again, I saw I was about to get exactly what I wanted.

Lets just say classes after that were a tad awkward because we both were aware we were attracted to each other. A few people in class actually asked us if we were dating. I saw something blooming. I swear, I saw it.

I spread the word that I genuinely liked this guy, and of course, it got back to me that he still was not over an ex of his. Shocked, I could not go on. I did the bitchy thing that girls do and found out her name, and would sit on my computer with my friends and talk about how much hotter I was than her. I was mean.

This boy and I would have late night texting conversations and he would open up to me about how he had serious problems and he was going to therapy. I considered myself normal. Until I realized I totally lost myself within this guy, and he barely gave me any attention to tell you the truth.

He told me I was great, but he was incapable of feeling anything for me. For 3 years. 3 whole years I dwelled over this guy. I was rejected. This was a feeling that I could not shake.

Keep in mind I had other boyfriends during this time. I still obsessed over the fact that that boy from class did not love me. I couldn't go on. My head was elsewhere. I gave him so much power over me. He continued to toy with me and invite me over every now and then, but our lips never once touched.

We ended up attending the same university. He invited me over one night and I embarrassingly threw myself at him. In. His. Bed. He still rejected me. I hated him.

Now, lets take a step back. Maybe he shouldn't have kept calling me after he rejected me, but for some reason I thought every time would be different. I wanted to believe that I would teach him to love me back.

This, my friends is infatuation. The boy has absolutely zero drive. He is dirty. His hair is greasy, he has a beer belly, and does not even know what he wants to do with his life. For some reason, I was so blinded by the pedestal I put him on before that I just couldn't get over the image of him I had in my head. Infatuation.

It wasn't until I matured until I saw him for who he really was. Sometimes, you need to take a step back and look at the situation for what it really is. I was young, and I wanted to believe he was my Prince Charming. That really was not the case.

I think all of us are like this to some degree. I am now in my first serious long term relationship. Sometimes I don't believe I've fully recovered from my crazy onto the next one past. But, I know that the right time and person will come along and I will just know. Knowing that I am capable of infatuation and not fully loving someone, I will make sure that I get to know someone, like really get to know them, before I decide to fall for them. Keep your head on straight.