Insecure Confidence

It sounds silly referring to yourself as insecure and confident, because it sounds like you’re contradicting yourself, right? Well it is still possible. And I for one am someone who is both confident, yet insecure at the same time. Take it from me, it’s not an easy thing to be at all.

Take relationships for example; I am currently in a relationship that I have been in for just over nine months now. I am a self-assured individual, meaning I know who I am, and I know my worth, in the sense that I won’t let someone disrespect or walk all over me. But at the same time, I don’t view myself as being good enough for someone–although in my heart I know I am a kind person who deserves love... I still don’t feel like I would single-handedly be enough for someone, they would always want more.

In some ways it is true, a large number of men in relationships still look at other girls, they go out of their way to find their Instagram profiles, and look through their pictures, they may even take it to the step of following them and liking the pictures... which could inevitably lead to them commenting on them, or even messaging the person.

That’s what my brain has been taught to think, and where the insecure side of me takes over. When my boyfriend starts following a girl that is relatively attractive, or posts somewhat revealing images on their profile, it makes me feel as though his eyes are already wandering, and leads me to dread what could happen in the future.

I’m confident enough to know I make my boyfriend happy, and that I am a good girlfriend. But i’m not confident enough to say I am exactly what he wants, and what he will want in the future. That’s what’s scary. You never know if one day they will decide that they want to go out, and entertain all these other girls they look at properly–because you know they already find them attractive, and you know they have already thought about them, in whatever way they have, whether it be sexually, or if they have just thought of them in a general way. Other girls have still entered their head before you do, other girls' bodies satisfy them, maybe even more than yours does. So who am I to say that i’m what he wants, when he shows me that he could potentially want something other than me?

What if it carries on eating away at me, building up my insecurity, making me not even want to be with him, and him not want to be with me. Because that’s where it will lead.

If one person doesn’t feel secure enough, and the other feels they do all they can to try and make them feel secure, and it still isn’t enough, then that’s how you know your time is up.

But i’m not ready for that yet, I need him to realise that what he does makes me feel like i’m not enough. I understand men will always find other people attractive, it’s what we do as humans. But for him to keep following random girls that aren’t even famous, just makes me feel like he doesn’t respect me enough.

Especially after all the times i’ve been open about my insecurities, if anything it’s made me more insecure, because even after all the times I’ve cried and told him I need him to understand more... he doesn’t. And I don’t know if that’s just a male thing–where he genuinely sees his actions as being ok, and doesn’t even think twice about another girl in that way. Or if i’m being naïve, and trying to block out the truth, that there could possibly be someone else, more suited to him than me. Possibly that is the case, and the fact I have these doubts in the first place just shows you how much my mind has now become a disgrace.

I don’t know what to even think or feel, I feel like I’m constantly being pulled by either arm. Having confidence in myself and in him, to it being broken and torn back down again. Eventually I will inevitably snap, because you can’t keep being pulled both ways, and not expect a snap. Unless somehow you’re able to push the other side away, and ideally for me, it would be my insecurity that leaves. But it’s just one of those things where you just have to wait and see.