Insecurities of a Half Blood

Insecurity. A word that describes a feeling that we as humans feel at one point in our lives. My insecurity most of my life was my heritage. I am half Tongan and half Filipino. Many don’t know where Tonga is, and my whole life I've told people that it's just like Hawaiian and settled for that. Growing up in Georgia and Wisconsin where there was no one like me it was so depressing to me. The kids I went to school with didn't know where Tonga was, or they thought that Hawaii was a country. They also didn’t know what or where the Philippines were. I had to explain that we were like the Japanese, another Asian island.

Growing up is one of the toughest stages of life and growing up as a Poly is even tougher. Polynesians are born naturally strong and bigger than the average person. If you've ever seen a Poly woman's legs, you’d think she spends every day working out. When I was in middle school we were required to run the mile, and one day a classmate running behind me said, "Those are the biggest calves I've ever seen." I've always had muscular calves from dancing, but I never thought they were huge.

After middle school my family relocated to Wisconsin from Georgia. I went from being the lightest kid in class to being one of the brown kids... In the school...To add to my body issues, no one showed interest during high school, so I thought I was ugly. Then during my sophomore year, I met a guy and I wanted to change. I figured I could wear makeup and be pretty, but deep down I still felt ugly. Looking back, I took many "selfies" and the vibe I was portraying was conceitedness. I wanted to be pretty so badly, and all the other Tongan girls I've seen were pretty. I always asked Why did the pretty gene skip me?

A guy I talked to in high school didn't make things any better. I thought I was in love. I thought he loved me too, but in the end, I wasn't enough for him. This led me to do many things I've come to regret. After leaving him and a little experimenting, I decided to find myself. In my early twenties I asked myself, "Who am I? Why am I insecure, yet why do I continue to ignore and keep moving?"

It wasn't until a few heart breaks later that I started my journey to figure out who I was. I wanted so badly to be loved and to mask my sorrows I drowned myself with working full time, dance practice, going to the gym, and playing volleyball. Sometimes I did all in one day. It wasn’t until I was researching different workouts and learning about fitness models and how they embraced their bodies that I realized I was never going to be a size zero. I may not ever get to a single digit, but I was ok with that. I also realized that Polynesian women are beautiful. I’m beautiful.

A few months later, I met the man I now call my husband. He told me he's never met a half Tongan/Filipino and that it was a beautiful mix. He sure said the right words because now I embrace and appreciate my culture a little more. Over the course of the time we’ve been together, I’ve come to the realization that my insecurities weren’t really the problem. It was my mental health. I cared about what others thought and I’ve always wanted to be apart of the crowd when I was surrounded by people who wished they were like me. I never should have thought that where my people come from was embarrassing or said to others, “It's pretty much Hawaiian." Now, I can say I love who I am and where my family came from and with that, I am me and I love me!

I encourage those who are going through the same to look in the mirror and tell yourself, “I love who I am, and I love Me!” Believe it.