Intoxicated

You are like a pack of cigarettes. You make me fall once again for your big and bold promises: “You are more than anything’, “It is different now”, “I am sorry.” They are covered in pixie dust and as I hear every sentence, every syllable, my heart starts pounding… but I know, deep down in my bones, that I have to quit you. For the last time. Forever. And I always start quitting you from the day after, but who am I kidding. Tomorrow is too soon, isn’t it? I will start on Monday.

Not only do I start a strict ‘without-you’ diet, but I also decide to give up all harmful friendships and relationships. I cannot stand to endure the noisy neighbours anymore, neither the friend who is always 20-minutes late for our date and I have to accept her apologies every time. My senses slowly start diminishing and after a while, I am forced to play pretend and put my 24-karat smile that everyone expects from me.

I suppose I will come out to be a typical human on a cruel diet. I will become easily irritable, I will only think about what I want — YOU! I am going to be in abstinence, but do not worry; it is for the best. I will no longer have a bronchial spasm and my skin will be younger for longer. My only wish is to avoid the broken-hearted spams and ideally, my salty tears will not form wrinkles around the eyes that lost their shine and innocence.

You are like a pack of cigarettes, of the classiest ones. You are the kind of cigarette that will induce even a non-smoker to take a brief drag, just so he can feel intoxicated by the romance of the unusual. And just like with a pack of cigarettes, somewhere in your lower case everything screams, warns, and tries to catch the attention of your next victim — “Smoking seriously harms you and others around you.” But, you know, here comes the funny part… when you look at someone through rose-coloured glasses, all the red flags just look like flags.

I may think of them when I lie down in the dark and start hating myself for being addicted to yet another harmful habit that bears someone's name. And right then, at that exact same moment, my life is not colourful, it is not even grey. Nothing has colour, neither a form. I find myself in a rather blurry, painful existence with chaotic voices and thoughts.

The reason? I just need another sip of poison, another toxic lie. I want my lungs to be filled with your favourite perfume, so that the weaknesses and pains in my whole body, my insomnia and nightmares can finally disappear. Every time I promise myself that I will read the small letters and I will not pay attention to the big font. Then, as you have sensed me moving on without you, you come out of the blue with another proposal that I surely cannot deny. And I forget about everything already experienced and as the naive fool that I am, against all rules I try to believe that the wolf can change, not only his coat, but also his disposition.

If something happens, as I said before, I will start quitting you again from Monday. And then a thin voice, as if he is mocking me about my weakness, whispers to me: “It is a good thing that today is Wednesday!”

After all, I choose you again. Because if I am going to die of something, it would be best to be of you…