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Introduction to Broken

The Aftermath

By Gia TimonPublished 6 years ago 3 min read
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How do you start to begin to tell the story of whirlwind disaster that is my dating life? A never ending reel of disappointment. Many people have told me I should share my story because they thought it was funny, maybe it was just my delivery of the stories. I’ve got to admit there are many funny moments I’ve had in my life. But sat here now in the midst of my post anxiety depression/anger state, I can’t think of the funny side. Just the string of heart break, disappointment and disgust.

It’s quite normal for me to feel like this every now and again, after my recent big break up I was diagnosed with anxiety and sociopathic tenancies, though you can’t tell my mam that, she won’t believe anything unless it’s been said by anyone else but me. Its either that or she thinks it’ll make it less real if I tell myself I don’t have it. I think the years of repressing feelings, bottling things up and traumas in past led to me snapping 5 months ago. Weeks of crying intermittently and uncontrollable drinking, then one night I just stopped. No more tears, no more feelings. Just numbness, or so I thought.

No amount of research into being a sociopath made me prepared for what has happened the past 5 months. I read so many articles and even briefly dated a sociopath, which didn’t end well funnily enough. As time went on and I tried to numb myself, the more I realised I did have a certain level of feelings, I was just lacking or lacking understanding of some emotions. I am still trying to understand what emotions I’m lacking. I became obsessed with the sociopathic tenancies and forgot to look into the anxiety, just thought the heart palpitations and upset were all I had to worry about until 3 months after my break up when I thought I was ready to move on.

In this I will be jumping from story to story not giving a definitive timeline, it’s the way my fucked up brain works I’m afraid but at least you won’t get bored. It won’t all be darkness and depression, I have a particular skill set for turning anything into a joke, after everything that’s happened to me I have many mottos, one of which is ‘If I don’t laugh ill cry’. Most people who meet me will say I’m a funny, bubbly girl who will do anything to make people laugh. That or I look like id kill them. The only people who see the real me are my best friends and my mam, I’ve rarely been able to be myself around someone I’ve been with. Especially not the 2.0 sociopath hybrid I am now. There’s only been one person I’ve sort of been myself around, but I changed. Then and now. That one is my biggest regret. But well get to that one, all in good time.

Writing this is a continuous story, ever changing and still following my dating failures as they happen. Currently its been 3 weeks since I've dated anyone and 6 weeks since I've had sex. It got to a point when the rejection, feelings of disappointment and self hate got too much for me to bear. My anxiety and depression has been triggered by the constant cycle of dating and rejection. Starting again and again.

The definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result. I believe this is what has driven me to insanity lately, tormenting myself by trusting again and again without actually fixing what is the real issue... me. I am the constant in the equation. I am the thing that doesn't change in all of this. So if I want things to change I must change myself, how I view myself, how I act, how I cope. Who could love someone who doesn't love themselves, hell barely likes themselves

I must fix myself, grieve, forgive, love myself before I think of even attempting to date again. I'm getting there slowly but surely.

Time heals all wounds.

dating
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About the Creator

Gia Timon

Just a girl telling her story of the modern dating horror show, struggling with high functioning anxiety, sociopathic tendencies and a troubled past.

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