Iridescent

You told me to forget the taste of your love before I get trapped. But how can I forget? I have fallen so deep into this bottomless well of despair. This is not supposed to be love. You made me believe that this is how it was supposed to be. You made me think that it was supposed to hurt, to make me cry, to make me angry. What I hate you the most for is not letting me go. Because you know, no matter how much I detest you, I'll keep coming back to you in the end.

You are toxic. Full of chemicals that can harm me. You are the dark circles after an all-nighter. You are the bitter taste of a cigarette. But how come when I kiss you, all I can taste is the sweetness of a chocolate bar? You hurt me constantly but I yearn for that pain. Because the aftertaste of a bitter cigarette can be as sweet as a chocolate bar.

When you grab my wrists to pin them to the wall behind me, I feel your frozen hands strike me with shivers as if they matched with your heart. But your lips are so warm and comforting when they touch my neck. Maybe one day, your heart can become like them.

The only time you tell me “I love you” is when you kiss me so aggressively I feel like a piece of meat. I pretend I like it. I pretend I love it. Because it’s the only time that you are truly captivated by me. By my body. By my heavy breath. By my words. It's the only time I feel like you love me.

I am not a toy that men can play with. That's what I told myself before I met you. So tell me why I let you and only you play me like a board game. I am so desperate for you to adore me and for your attention. I shouldn't feel sad though. This is what women were born to be. Toys that men can play with.

I want to be loved endlessly just like how my father loves my mother.

You are iridescent. Your colour changes when I’m at a different angle. I can never truly know who you are. I try to, trust me I do. Why won’t you let me in? Why aren’t you only one colour? It would be easier to know you. But you don’t crave easy, do you? You crave goddamn troublesome.

You disappear every so often but my mind is filled with thoughts about you. Love can be a complicated thing. I don't know if you love me back but I nevertheless, belong entirely to you.

Do I keep you up at night? Does the thought of me make you an insomniac? Do I make you cry? If I do, maybe you’d know how I feel. But I don’t see tired, swollen eyes on you. Maybe you just don’t care at all.

I thought I had moved on. I was eating right, I barely thought of you and I was seeing people that weren't you. I have not heard from you into over a month but somehow, it didn't affect me. But last night, you called me and asked if you could come over. All my love for you started coming back, as if it never left. So I said yes, I let you come over. You looked upset, but you didn't tell me why. You kissed me like you missed me even though I know you didn't. That night, I let you climb into my body like all the nights you did before.

My body is yours. My mind is yours. My sanity is yours. My love is yours. And I am yours.