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Is Cheating Forgivable?

I found the answer the hard way.

By Kaylee DeanPublished 6 years ago 6 min read
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My boyfriend and I began dating on March 10, 2018. We’d sat in the same senior English IV class all year and not once said a single word to each other. Granted, I was dating a different guy and was having problems with him, so naturally Ryan (my boyfriend) decided to step in and help with the issue. He helped me break up with the guy, and two weeks later we were a thing.

He treated me like no other guy ever had—2 AM breakfast dates at IHOP, a basketball game, a school baseball game (we lost by the way)—but the money wasn’t what I was after. I’d been with guys who were well off before, and let me tell you, I didn’t hesitate to drop them when they began misbehaving. Not only was he well off, but extremely successful; he had a 3.967 GPA, played varsity football for our school, and was already accepted at Texas Tech University in Lubbock, TX.

I really liked him. He was my date to my high school JROTC ball, my choir banquet, and prom. He made every night memorable.

My high school JROTC ball (I wore the same dress for my choir banquet)

Our high school prom

The day after prom, my mom took us on an outing to one of the bigger, neighboring cities to a few stores. As we walked, I noticed a small discoloration on his neck. I hadn’t seen it before and guessed that I didn’t see it the night before because of the collar on his tux. I asked him about it and he paused for a second, then said, “Oh, remember Ericka from my economics class? She pinched my neck and twisted it.” I narrowed my look at him at the fact that he had mentioned a female’s name.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, that’s the only thing I could think of.” He turned to walk away.

I grabbed his arm and stopped him. “Ryan. I’m not playing. You know exactly how I feel about things like this.”

He held my hand. “I know. And I wouldn’t break your trust like that. I’ve never given you a reason not to trust me, have I?”

I sighed. “No, you haven’t. Are you sure Ericka did it? Nothing else?”

“Yes, baby.”

“Alright. I’m gonna trust you.”

And so we went about our day. It didn’t even bother me as much once he gave me an explanation. Ericka was a very aggressive person being an athlete—plus, she was a lesbian. No cheating there. Or so it seemed.

A month later, Ryan and I got into a heated argument over something small he got upset over. To make a point I said, “Stop yelling at me! You act like I cheated on you! It’s not that serious.”

And that’s when my world seemed the crash and burn.

He told me everything. How his “close friend” Destiny came over one night upset about our other friend Andrew (they were talking at the time). How they sat in his room in the dark. How her hand ended up on his lap. How he made the worst mistake of his life. How he was going to wait until he started college in August to tell me.

My chest felt like it was on fire. I hung up the phone and told him to leave me alone. I couldn’t stand hearing his voice. He called me a total of 27 times and finally, I answered and threatened, “Call me again and I’ll have you blocked.” I dialed Andrew (this wasn’t the first time Destiny did something behind his back) and he answered.

“He cheated, Andrew. He cheated with her!”

“Who? He did what? Who’s her?”

“Destiny! He fucking cheated on me, it was Destiny!”

This led to many conference calls, a confrontation with Destiny, a talk with his mom, him driving to my house at 11:00 PM to talk, and a block list with one more person added to it.

But I forgave him.

I got so much shit for forgiving him. “Once a cheater, always a cheater,” right? But during that 11:00 PM talk, I saw him break down like I’d never seen a man do before. I’ve had guys begging on their knees, cry, write long letters with the most complex apology ever crafted. But Ryan was different.

“I don’t expect you to say anything,” he began. “I have no right to expect anything from you. But I need you to know that this is not your fault. None of this is your fault. You’ve been nothing but good to me. You’ve done everything right. I thought I wanted something; something I’d wanted for a long time. But once I had it, it wasn’t what I thought it was. And before you say it, you are enough. I was selfish and greedy. There’s nothing I could do in this world that could make everything okay again, or make things go back to normal. Things won’t be normal, because of my stupid ass. I would hope you’d forgive me. But like I said, I have no right to expect or want or ask anything of you anymore. Not anymore. But no matter what you choose, you need to know that I regret it so much. I’m sorry I couldn’t be the man you need. I want to start now, being what you need. I can’t play games. I can’t be a child. I can be a man. But it’s up to you.”

I didn’t forgive him for him. I forgave him for me. A few years before I wasn’t in a good place, and I had my share of disloyalty to a guy I thought would never leave. Needless to say, that guy had to give me six chances. Eventually, I pulled myself out of that dark place and I got my mind right.

During those times all I wanted was forgiveness. I wanted multiple chances and I got them. If that guy hadn’t given me those chances, I probably wouldn’t have give Ryan the same opportunity. But I did, because I’d be a hypocrite if I hadn’t.

And it isn’t just the past experiences. It’s his actions that came with the opportunity I gave him. His whole demeanor changed. He gave me possession of his social media passwords. I could check his phone whenever I wanted and do what I wanted on his social media (unfollow, block, etc). He became more attentive to my needs and no longer had girls at his house, invited or uninvited (his mother vouched for that).

In closing, it was his actions and my past that ultimately saved him. We’ve graduated since then, and at times still revisit that horrible moment. It still hurts us both. But another aspect is that we can’t keep bringing it up with the purpose of hurting one another, especially if what we’re arguing about is irrelevant. I forgave him to heal my own heart and clear my own conscience, and no doubt it helped to heal him too. As hard as it is, it is possible to forgive an action this devastating. And that’s where the cliche phrase, “only time will tell,” comes into play. Now when it’s brought up, I’m not brought to tears; it’s just bothersome. It hurts to relive, so we try not to think about it. Yes, some things make me nervous that it will happen again, and we talk about it. But why did we stay together if our faith isn’t there? I guess it all depends on what you’ve been through and your own morals, but in our case, it’s water under the bridge.

Would the water stay under your bridge?

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About the Creator

Kaylee Dean

just a 17 year old with too many words and not enough space :)

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