Is Hope Hopeless?

As long as I can remember, I've had this internal picture within my brain. In it, I am sat at a breakfast bar in what I assume is my kitchen. It's a clean, modern room. The sun is delicately warming my face. It's early morning, but I'm not tired. I clearly had a good night sleep and am reading the newspaper with a small glass of juice and a steaming cup of coffee perched beside my hand. Raspberry jam lays neatly on some toast that has been hovering around my mouth for a good few moments as the black and white pages of the newspaper captivate my interest. There is a half tied tie hanging down from my neck and my hair is still damp from the morning shower.

A figure appears, it's never been clear who they are. But whoever they are, I am deeply in love with them. They're running late, and bargain with me to trade a tender morning kiss on my forehead in return for my uneaten toast. They run out the door, shouting that they love me as they go. Only to come back, and finish off tying my tie, kiss me once more and then leave.

Now, I wasn't entirely telling the truth about it not being clear who they are. They are my sub-conscious perception of my perfect partner. And nobody has ever actually been able to actually stack up against it. Until now. I've had many relationships, I have honestly believed myself to be in love many times. But the relationship that has just ended for me, was the first one that changed my mental image I just described. The tie element, was never a part of that image. I know that, because I wrote it down once before. But now, I am convinced it always has been. Even though I know, logically and rationally it cannot have been.

This one person, who I shall simply call 'L' has changed my perception on not just what I want, what I think I want but also on how I see myself. It was a short, very intense relationship. That went from strength to strength, and then burnt down in a fiery blaze that I feel I should've seen coming. But I didn't. I was doing the emotional equivalent of putting my fingers in my ear and going, 'la la la la la la'. I was so caught up in their perfection, I forgot to pay attention to their flaws. L was not having an easy time in life. L was demoralised. L was depressed. And my response, was to offer the support I would want. Instead of thinking about the support that L might need. I still believe that our break up was entirely situational. L had fallen into a rut, and things needed to change. I was going to be the collateral damage.

When things go south in a relationship, it's very easy to just abort. L had lost all sense of purpose, I was beginning to lose my sense of purpose. But I don't think aborting was the right answer. A friend once said to me, that when we're younger we take our anger at the world out on our parents, when they are less present in our grown up life, we vent the same anger out at our partner, or our friends. When these frustrations poison a relationship, it's easy to get through things if you hate your ex. It's the upside of someone cheating. The desire to burn their shit. It's the upside of finding out something terrible. The silver lining everyone always talks about.

Less is said about amicable break ups. And they're so much worse. L left me, but in the same sentence was telling me they loved me. That this wasn't what L wanted. That whilst this chapter was over, the story may one day continue. If things were taken slowly, and the same powerful feelings we experienced at the start returned. But then L also said, "I don't want you to get your hopes up though." Is hope hopeless? I fell into a sense of depravity after L left. Intoxicants polluting my system, corrupting my thoughts. I remember having the very worst dreams, terrifying nightmares that could rival the very best horror movie. Vivid hallucinations from my over tired, sore red eyes as I lay in bed. Something had to give.

I chose to go traveling. Alone. But L and I had made an agreement, that we must not speak until we saw each other again. To properly allow for there to be actual space between us, and time to reflect. Upon these reflections as I travelled around, I thought more and more on hope. I still do. Hope is bittersweet. When we think about doing something we like, our brain gets a hit of dopamine, that makes you feel good. In essence, happiness is not actually in the moment, it's the anticipation of that happiness that actually brings about the chemical that makes us happy. By hoping things would work out, it made me feel a little better. I was able to feel more comfortable in my own skin. But I couldn't shake the feeling that I was just lying to myself. Telling myself what I want to hear, after all, L did say, "Don't get your hopes up".

So why did I?

Did I know better?

No, I didn't. Because when we did then speak, the whole conversation dashed my hope. I returned to the sniveling mess I had been before, my heart sank, and it felt like I'd been dumped a second time. Until the final line L said. That one line reignited the hope, and I felt better again. I was once again believing that if I use the time to work on myself, L will see how wrong they were to leave, and if they had done the same then both of us would have found some purpose. The problem that pushed us apart would then have been situational after all. But there was signs to indicate that L had not done this. But again I found I was already, just moments later, making excuses for L.

Of course, I may well be wrong. For if you assume, you make an ass of u and me. But it is the hope that things will be okay that is actually making me feel okay. It is, in my humble opinion, what us humans are best at. If you truly believe in something, you can make it happen. It's the placebo effect. And whilst this hope is still alive within me, and I still hope that L and I shall find a way to make things work; hope is never hopeless. Even when it seems so unwarranted, it is hope that makes us better. The dopamine hits of hope got me through my days. It got me to the other side of the world. Made me feel more myself than I had done for a long time. We all know the story of pandora's box, when all the bad was let into the world the one thing that remained was the butterfly. The butterfly of hope.

Where there is despair, hope hold us up. Hope is happiness. We don't like it when bad things take away what we love, what we want, so we hope they'll come back. And if they don't, by the time we realise they aren't coming back the hope has kept us going. The hope has allowed us to keep functioning, the hope has made us stronger. We live in our own minds, so why not feed it what it wants. Do not lie to yourself. Never lie to yourself. Just allow yourself to dream. Because dreams do come true, hope is happiness. Hoping things will get better, can often make things better. because you don't let yourself become downtrodden, you must never lose hope. If it is not to be, it will not be, but hope helps. And one day, your brain will realise that it's moved past it. It's now hoping for something else. Walk through life one step at a time, but in any direction you like.

Hope isn't hopeless, it's humanity's finest hour. Hold on to it as long as you like. It's a gift you give yourself for having a go. It is a positive feeling that reflects a positive version of yourself onto a negative situation.

And L, if you're reading this. I hope you found your way. And I hope you find your way back to me.