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Is It Just Me?

If it's not him then it must be me.

By Paige KostyniukPublished 7 years ago 8 min read
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For years I sat back and blamed myself for the "Big Break Up." I had to change my life and my friends and even my career for this man. The man that promised to always love me and respect me and to never hurt me.

I fell in love with my high school sweetheart and planned my whole life with this one amazing guy, who could do me no harm. "He loves me, he will always be there for me and we look good as a couple in love," I thought. Boy, was I ever fooling myself. Always too late, too, and then once everything falls apart is when it hurts and the blame and hate and everything else falls into play.

The questions of one's self-worth and the "What did I do to make him turn out this way? What did I miss? What did I have to change for him to love me more?" It's so terrible to think that we as humans beings would have to become someone else to be with that one person you dream of having the "White Picket Fence Dream" with. It has to be me because he left me for someone else and had a family with that other woman, so it must be something wrong with me. I can't believe I put myself through that torment and pain. All over a guy that didn't want to be with me and who had another family on the side for years.

I come from a little country town and there everyone knows everyone's business, or so I thought that anyway. "How could someone hide something like that?" What was I doing to miss something so huge like this?" I just couldn't grasp the reality of it all. I thought when you get married and have kids that it's a commitment for life. It's what I was taught when I was a little girl growing up in Two Hills Alberta. When did that rule of thumb change and why wasn't that memo mailed to me too?

Love is supposed to be kind and gentle, and very wonderful to the point that you both get butterflies every time your eyes lock onto each other. Or even when you both think of one another. You just can't see yourself being with anyone else in life ever. They are your soulmate and they were molded just for you. Now isn't that what it should be? I don't understand why it's too hard for some to understand that if you don't feel a certain way for the other person or don't see yourself with that other person, not to fake it and walk away before the other person gets hurt or before the kids come or marriage. Wouldn't that be easier than divorce and hate?

I would be in a better place in my heart and soul if that could've happened instead. I wouldn't be broke, I wouldn't be in so much debt, I would be happy and satisfied in life now, and I wouldn't be alone and holding so much hurt inside and being scared of having another man in my life right now. It's like he ruined me for that one man that could've made me happy and had a good life. As if it was planned out like this and this is what I deserve.

Is it that I am such a terrible person and because of who I am and what my background is? Is it because I didn't become what they wanted me to become and this is just their way of saying "I told you I wanted you to be my property and you wouldn't do what I wanted, so it's your fault your alone. You will never find someone as good as me and if you looked a certain way and let me do what I wanted then I wouldn't have to cheat and behind your back." Now listening to this for so many years it makes you really wonder that maybe it is me. What if I did change who I was and did what my man wanted? Then he wouldn't have done the things he did and I wouldn't be alone. I thought long and hard about doing what I was told and believing I wasn't pretty enough and sexy enough for a man to want to be with me other than just sex. Don't get me wrong about sex, just it would be nice to have sex with someone who wants to be with me for more than just that reason. Waking up with that someone and having them around would be nice.

I've been married twice, I've had a few men in my life and some one night stands. Is it wrong of me? Do I feel bad or feel guilty? No, not at all. But when I want to have someone in my life it always ends up with me having my heart ripped out and stomped on. Feeling less about myself is usually where I'm left and the more I got hurt the less I want to be with a man or even have a relationship. Can anyone blame me for feeling this kind of hurt? No way. But I'm holding a little bit of hope for the chance to possibly find that perfect man that will fulfill my every dream. It might sound like I'm going way over my head and hoping for something that doesn't exist, but I've got hope. And lots of it because if I were to give up now then everything I went through and had to deal with while looking for my Mr. Perfect was for nothing and was a waste of my time. And I won't accept that, not for one second.

I think I was in love once, but it was so long ago and just a teenager. So if I was to say I was in love, I question it because I was only a kid and what did I really l know at that age? I'm sure it was love, and we still talk to this day. That's over twenty years, I look back at those moments and I think "Was this love or just lust and infatuation? " Did I even know what love was?

I want to believe I did love him and my mistake was falling for the bad boy type and the one that I couldn't have, my grandparents didn't like him at all. My grandparents would frown upon the thought of me being around someone who was no good for me, as they would put it. He was a troublemaker and always in the paper because he got caught for drugs or theft or a cop chase and I thought that it was really cool. Thirteen years old and no clue about what the world has to offer. But being with the bad boy in my little town was exciting, it was living life I thought. Just like Bonnie and Clyde. I never wanted what being with someone like him brought with it. The hurt and the lies. What a dummy I was. I don't know what I was thinking to be honest. And from there it was no good, the pretend love and respect stuff. The divorce the finding out of the real truth. The relationship was fake from the start. I was so stupid and had to learn a lesson because I wouldn't listen to anyone telling me the awful truth about him. I didn't want to believe their lies but in fact, they weren't telling me lies it was all true and I had those rose colored sunglasses on and was in denial. I wanted him so bad that I covered up everything bad and saw him like a knight on a white horse.

A relationship would be wonderful and it would make things for me so much better. I am dependent on myself and nobody else, I am a colder and more shallow than before, too. I believe I deserve someone like the "God, Zeus." That's my ego talking. What the heck would I have to do for someone like that? Sell my soul probably, or be a slave of some sorts. That's what I say though when I am asked about being alone and not having a man in my life, nobody argues after I respond. It's really funny to see that person's face after I say that about Zeus, would it be so bad to have standards in my mate? It's healthy and I think I deserve that much. I want to be in love and not be alone, but I am so afraid of how society is that I'm completely chicken to attempt it even. I don't think I'm ugly or an idiot, and I have a nice body and I'm funny, I have character, morals and values, I like simple things in life only because it doesn't cost so much and what we do have is all materialistic and once it's all gone, it all can be replaced but having a relationship and finding true love is very unique and one of a kind. That's what I want, and that's something I've dreamt about for so long. Why hasn't it happened to me yet? Why am I getting the raw end of this deal and can't have that one special man in my life for the rest of my life? I just want that chance to be happy and to satisfied in this life. That's what we live for besides our children. I have so much to offer and yet I've been single for like 5 years. That is of course by choice. I want a relationship and be in love, if it really still exists. When is it my turn? Or is it just me?

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About the Creator

Paige Kostyniuk

I am a single mom with only one left in the nest. I grew up in a little country town before moving to the big city. I have always wanted to be a writer and travel around the world. I am a big fan of horror movies; the scarier the better.

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