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Is It Love?

For the Lost Souls

In loving memory of Antonio Banuelos ~ 2.14.18 ~

Many people believe in soulmates and god lord, I want to believe so bad. But how can you ever really know he's the one for you? How can you look someone in the eye and assure them that they will be number one for the rest of your existence? I had a plan and it didn't include you. Now I'm having a battle if I should include you or not. I want you here, I want us to succeed, I want to love endlessly, I want to marry my best friend, and I want to have their children. But what if your emotions are too strong even for your own self? What if they're leading you in the wrong path?

It's only been a month since the death of my grandfather, may he rest in peace, and I'm walking around here as if I know everything; as if I'm OK to just start loving again. I'm very happy and grateful to be out of the rut I was in last month. And the one who saved me is the one I can't seem to decide to love or not. You all should've seen me. Now I've been low before in my life, I've cried myself to sleep, and I've yelled out of anger, but this...this was different. This was the beginning to my depression. 

I felt like if I had nothing to live for, everything lost its purpose and meaning to me. I laid and laid and laid all day, sulking in my sadness. I told myself how much of a shitty person I was, told myself to hurt myself because there was nothing else good enough to live on in this world for. And there he was, saving me from my own thoughts. I never knew how powerful love could really be.

Just four months ago I started creating a life that I thought was for me. Little did I know I was living someone else's life, trying to escape from mine. I was so sure I no longer wanted his love. I was so sure for the first time in my life I was OK with letting go. And honestly, I was OK. I was living large. I will be honest. I was wild every weekend; drinking, smoking whenever I wanted. It was a fantastic time. I smiled like I'd never smiled before. Everyone was by my side, proud and supporting my decision. Until one day things went to far and I got hurt, and my family and I changed forever. That's when I knew this last wasn't for me.

Arguments back and forth, built up tension, and suffering in silence all came back to me after I had worked hard to push it all away. For the first time in my life, I had experienced my very own panic attack. Oh god, the pain that ran through my body—such an unexplainable pain. My hands and feet were so stuck because my whole body was tense. Paramedics came and rescued me. I've had a lot going on these past few months. All I was looking for was some light to my tunnel. Instead, I received more darkness. And four days later, my grandpa leaves my side.

So I went to the only person I knew that would show me an endless amount of love. I knew that was all I needed. Someone to show me to not be afraid to love. Someone just because you're scared of getting hurt. And so I went back into his arms. Every day things are becoming more official, and I'm not as afraid as I once was, but I still get those thoughts of what if I never called him? Would I still be here in this position? Everything that has been thrown at me I've taken as a sign. My grandpa passed away on Valentine's day. He brought people who truly love each other together. I'm not sure if I'm just vulnerable, and I told him that from the beginning, and he assured me he understands. But what if one day I do decide he's not the one? All of this would have been for nothing. I got his hopes up once again just so I could hurt him, once again....

Is this what you call love?