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Everyone always tells you not to text your ex. It's a stupid thing to do that will get your emotions running high for no reason. And I agree. I remember how inexplicably furious I felt when learning that the unknown number in my messages was my ex.
This ex, like probably many other people's ex's out there, has an uncanny knack at pushing all my buttons by just existing. Just the idea that he'd have the audacity to text me like we're buddies after chewing up my heart and spitting it out amazes me to this day.
But still, whenever we feel lonely or nostalgic, or we've just been drinking, we think of one thing—maybe I should text my ex. Why?
My ex is three years old. As in it's been three years since we broke up. That sounds like a long time. And it feels like a long time. It's definitely long enough of a time to mourn and move on from that relationship. But someone needs to tell my brain that, because I don't think she understands.
I am happy. Well, happier. A lot happier, mind you. Life is good. So tell my why I see my ex in my dreams at least once a month for the past 6 months? The ex who I let treat me horribly for our entire relationship.
I don't still have romantic feelings for this guy, that ship sailed many moons ago. But he's been plaguing my mind for a while now.
About a year ago, he left a letter on my doorstep (a little creepy, but whatever). It basically was an apology letter acknowledging his douche-baggery behaviour during our relationship and extending an invitation for friendship, if I choose so. He also left me with his phone number. Why did he have to give me his number? I'd gone through many lengths in ridding this person from my life: phone numbers, social media accounts, pictures, letters, you name it. And here was an unavoidable method of communication hand delivered to my door.
My first instinct was to never communicate back to him. I don't have time to be lied to, and I'm not a fan of being manipulated, no thank you! But as time passed, the more I actually considered texting that number.
Is it closure that I need? I never really got it, but I also assumed that I never will since I can't trust a single word that comes from his mouth.
Do I miss him? Definitely not. At least not the relationship. Being in a trusting relationship currently has definitely altered my perception on how my ex treated me. Anyways, maybe I do miss the friendship. I remember the fun we had, being his friend before we got romantic was actually enjoyable.
Do I still love him? Is that a question I really want to ask myself? Or am I afraid of the answer? Am I afraid to communicate with him because I think he still has control over me? I don't know. I feel like an idiot when I think of him. This person has been haunting me for three years. If I haven't stopped loving him by now, it'll always be there.
Do I want to get back together? Hell f***ing no. But I have this strange desire to talk to him. Text him, or even meet up in a coffee shop. I don't know, is this really a bad idea?
Maybe texting your ex isn't as bad as everyone says it is—it depends on your intention. If you text them on a whim, your emotions will get the better of you—or them. Especially if you left on bad terms.
I think maybe if enough time has passed, reaching out to an ex can answer a lot of questions. At least I hope that's what it'll be for me. Closure would be great, although I'm doubtful, maybe I really should text my ex.
If you relate to this, just know you're not alone. It's okay if you're single, or in a different relationship now, a lot of people still think of their ex, even dream of them. Maybe you could try to get closure like me. Whether that's contacting them or just finding it within yourself, peace of mind is a gift we all deserve. xx