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It All Boils Down to This

How I Truly Feel

By kristen weigandPublished 6 years ago 2 min read
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I plucked this single, solitary, special ticket from a sea of tall grass in the middle of nowhere...I hold it close to my heart.

Sometimes I become frustrated, sad, lonely, uneasy, impatient, antsy, scared, and ready to self-sabotage.

Those are the times that I stand back and really look at her. I take all of her in to the extent that I can.

She is kind-hearted, compassionate, nurturing. She is trusting and trustworthy. She is willing to share her past, thoughts, ideas, dreams, plans, songs, movies, prose, short-stories, photos, work, etc.

She is supportive and encouraging. She is intelligent and interesting and creative. She is always willing to listen and to discuss to help however she can in each situation. She casts no judgements and has never muttered a cross or hurtful word.

She is a healer and a helper, the kindest soul I've never met. She is open and honest. She only wants to care for and be careful with those that she holds dear. She is thoughtful in both word and deed, choosing to see the good in others...instead of the bad.

She is strong, powerful, fierce, and swift. She masters most tasks easily and without error. She takes pride in her work and her workmanship. She is detail oriented, down to the last dot. She puts her whole self and best effort into all things.

She is a woman whom I had a feeling about, from a smart ass comment on a personal profile. She has enriched and filled my life...with life, color, fun, and hope. She has given me unexpected gifts in the forms of words, thoughts, ideas, feelings, secrets, and songs.

She is more than worthy of my time, patience, respect, compassion, nurturing, trust, loyalty, honesty, encouragement, support, steadfastness, goodness, kinship, affection, and love.

These are all of the qualities that I value in a best friend/partner. I have never known all of these things with anyone before. This is and has been one of the best relationships of my adult life. It satisfies and fulfills me on every level except for physically.

I love all that we have and all that we share together. She means the world to me, even as my invisible friend...my phone really, a screen, a keyboard, some photos, and a clicker.

It's hard to not be able to enjoy a voice, a verbal conversation, a funny face, a smile, a hug, the touch of a hand, or the smell of coconut scented hair.

I CAN live without these things. I DON'T want to, but it is a trade off for having a "perfect relationship" I guess. One that doesn't implode or get messy or end badly.

I know that she really doesn't have the extra time for me, but I know that she makes it just for me, because she cares. I know that she has given a lot of her time and herself to me...she has been and is a gift.

I have released a lot of feelings and emotions to her. It has been difficult to hold them in. However, perhaps now is not the time to ask for clarity. Perhaps now is the time to talk less, listen more, and be her support and encouragement.

Give her time and space to bask in the glory of her achievements and to enjoy herself fully. To dream big and imagine her future and possibilities, goals and dreams. What and who she wants to be.

Allow myself to be proud of her and let her know that I will always choose her...seen or unseen, heard or unheard, touched or untouched...even if she never chooses me.

She is an anomaly. She is my anomaly.

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About the Creator

kristen weigand

old enough to know better and young enough to do it again...vintage camera user and collector, photographer, poet, beatnik, traveler, writer, blogger, explorer, adventurer, beachcomber, always ready for a road trip and a travel companion.

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