It Began With Obliviousness

I was 12 when all of the drama with guys began. The first guy’s name was Brad. I was 12 and he was 16, we went to church together and hung out at youth group every week. Our parents were friends in high school, I didn’t know there were issues with his mom until it was already too late and I didn’t care anymore. When I was 12, I had this what now seems pathetic little flip phone, but at the time it seemed like the coolest thing in the world. After weeks of talking to Brad at youth group and having a friendship, we exchanged numbers. We started texting and not even 2 days later, he joked around saying something along the lines of “it’s so boring to just sit around in your boxers waiting for your pants to finish drying.” My response was, “fair enough lol” and that was that.

Now, during this time period, my mom would check my phone every so often without notice, just to see how my conversations were going and because cell phones were still a newish concept to our family. My mother saw the message about the pants still in the dryer and freaked out. I didn’t understand why, as Dad did the same thing all of the time, why was this any different? Why was she so mad? Did I do something wrong?

My mother grounded me but didn’t say that I could never talk to him again so we just hung out at church and youth group. No big deal, I thought, so when I was ungrounded we started texting again like nothing had happened. He started flirting with me a lot, and of course, I liked the attention. It was the first time a guy had ever flirted with me. So after flirting for a month or 2, we asked my mom if we could date. She said no and that’s it, at that time I did not understand that it was because he was 4 years older than me. I did not realize that his 16-year-old-self calling my 12-year-old body nice was bad either, but yet, I knew to delete those messages because he told me to and at that time, there was no reason to not trust him.

We tried asking my mom multiple times if we could date, she always said no and never told me why. So he told me to hide it, so I would delete messages and it was fine until mom found our messages and grounded me from my phone and didn’t let me go to youth group for a few months. So we stopped talking and that was that… At least for a while… That was only the beginning of the issues with guys and it was a long beginning, but in order to give you a fair backstory, I had to start at the beginning. After a repetitive pattern of finding guys who my mother did not approve of in a matter of only two years, and at my young age not understanding why, I went to the internet. Have you ever heard of the phrase, “nothing good ever comes from the internet?” Well in my case, no good guy ever came from the internet.

I was 14 when I decided to go online and I met a boy named Damion. We decided to meet in person, at my church. Long story short, we ended up dating for several months. The summer we were together, we were trimming the trees and bushes in my backyard. I laid down on a towel for a few minutes from being exhausted, without going into detail, that is where I was orally raped. I had said no, but he refused to acknowledge it. I was scared, and he was much larger and much stronger than me so I did not scream, instead, I just cried.

That same day, but later in the day, we were in my kitchen. My mother was downstairs. For some reason he asked this time, he asked if we could have sex in my kitchen while my mother was right down the stairs. I said no; he asked again; I said no; he asked again; I said no; he asked again; I said no; he asked again; I said whatever. Does that sound like a yes to you? It somehow did to him, and without going into more detail, that is when I was first penetrated raped. My parents eventually found out and we called the authorities on him, he was not put away. Again I ask, did that sound like a yes to you? It somehow did to the authorities.

Again, I chose to meet this guy at my church; his name was Kevin. He was abusive physically and mentally. I was not allowed to have friends who were guys. I was not allowed to go anywhere without telling him first. I was not allowed to talk to anyone about the rules he gave me, and these three mentioned are nowhere near the end of that list. If I strayed from the list then I did not love him and without my love, he would not possibly live, so he would attempt to kill himself. If I did not have sex with him, he would grab a knife or a gun and he would threaten to kill himself. I did not hide these facts from my peers at my school.

I did not hide how abusive Kevin was from my classmates, I was hoping that someone would help me. Their version of “help” was that they would tell me how much of a slut I was. I was a slut because I was raped and I was “letting it happen” instead of stopping it. They told me I was ugly, damaged goods and that I would never amount to anything. I was told that I deserved what I got. After hearing all of that, I beg you to tell me, why on earth would someone belittle someone else who felt as though they had no control over their situation?

The sad thing is that it happens every day, people belittle others about qualities that a person has no control over. Horrifically enough, this issue will probably not be solved, but people can individually choose to be kinder to others and that can help. It’s not a solution for the world, but a solution for the hundreds of people that person who decides to be kinder will encounter for the rest of their life. I’ve chosen that road; I’ve chosen the road of being kinder to other people whether I know their situation or not. With that decision, I have found peace and happiness and all is okay now; all is better than okay.