It Hurts

I made a fool of myself.

Funny enough, she was the one who loved writing. But here I am, typing these words as my heart feels hollow.

Until this day, I cannot simply understand the real reasons of why this happened. It’s still unbelievable for me. Of why we had to take separate ways. How everything changed so quickly. How from a day to another, you took this decision so fast?

What pains me the most, is that I’m more than clueless about how you were able to make life promises with me, promises that were made under several days and were supposed to last forever, then shatter them all in only a couple of minutes. It hurts. But I guess that’s simply how it is.

I keep telling myself, ‘’If only I did things differently’.’ But I came to realize I wasn’t the only problem. I know I did damage, and so did you. But that doesn’t matter. If only you would have spoken to me more at least.

It took me a while to realize the reasons you gave as for what you wanted to fall apart weren’t what was bothering you really, because they made no senses at all anyway. It took me a while to figure out that because of who you are, and as much as it’s burning my mind just thinking about it, that I was simply not what you wanted anymore. That sadly for me, you were craving for something new.

I took care of you more than myself. I was planning on doing it for eternity and I wish more than anything else that it could still be an option. But it is not. I always thought about you before myself. It seems like it was a mistake. For once, I had thought about myself more than you after you took your decision, and it made everything worse. But I had to. Loving you meant I had to simply.

I had to at least try to understand you and know what could have I done to fix what we had. I guess asking for a chance to prove you I could do better was too much. I did make everything worse by not giving up. I made a fool of myself with the love I had for you.

Maybe I should have completely ignored you straight up like I would have done with anybody else. Who knows? Maybe it would have been different in a better way. I shall never know.

There’s so many things I’d want to know, but will never get to. With all we shared together, with how what we had seemed to be everything for you as well, do you even think about me at least a little? Or in the end, were your feelings only make believe? Is there still a small part of you that cares about me? Or could I die and it wouldn’t matter at all to you?

What troubles me the most, is that I can’t even think about you anymore. Not that I don’t want to, but why would I think about the good times we had if it’s not making me happy, if it’s only making me feel sorrow and sadness. Why would I think about all we did together, if I cannot share these memories with you? Why would I be thinking about you, if it’s not reciprocal.

I wish I could think about you—and even more than that. But as I am writing this, tears are falling down and memories from you are getting erased from my mind. I do not want to forget you, I’m so scared without you, but I cannot keep you in my head if you don’t want to keep me in your life.

It’s probably not my fault that we are not together anymore, but my heart feels heavy and empty at the same time. Like I could have saved this. I am terribly sorry if from your point of view I’m the villain in this whole thing. From mine, you made my whole perception of love worse. You shattered my heart so much I am not even sure even time will be able to fix this. But I do not hate you. In the end, this made me learn a lot. I will always think you’re the best person ever and I wish you the best. I hope you’ll get what is it you truly want.

As for me, I was already lost before I met you. I thought I had found my way with you, unfortunately not. I shall remain lost, maybe forever, but it doesn’t matter.

Farewell

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