It Is Almost 2 a.m. as I Write This

It is almost 2 a.m. as I write this. I can't sleep. I don't want to sleep. In two hours my twin flame will awaken. Soon thereafter, he will be on his way back home. Stan's home is in Texas. I live in Florida. Being with Stan feels like home for me. He is what I've wanted to call home for over three decades.

I met Stan on October 27, 1984. Although, I do not remember the initial meeting. My girlfriend and I had been out at Kevin's en la Playa on the beach. In our 18 year old minds, Kevin's was the "place" to be on a Friday night. We were underage and drinking. I was the driver.

On the way back to my apartment, I fell asleep at the wheel. Cindy had also fallen asleep. She woke just in time to see that I was about to hit a speed limit sign. She hollered. I over corrected. The car flipped three times. She was thrown out.

Stan was the guy behind us on the motorcycle. He was first on the scene. I believe that Stan went straight to Cindy.* She was ejected from the car. He kept her from getting up. Otherwise, she probably would have been paralyzed. She broke her neck.

I have no idea how I got out of the car. I think that I may have got out on my own.* I believe that standard protocol is to keep ALL accident victims lying down and as immobile as possible. A girl we went to high school with kept me from getting up. Cindy and I were later told that we both gave it our all to get up and get to each other. I do, distinctly, remember the ambulance ride to the hospital. I was hysterically asking where Cindy was, as well as frantically trying to move around so as to locate her.

I officially met Stan over at Cindy's after her release from the hospital. I also "officially" hated him! Why did I hate this man that had done nothing more than keep my friend from further injuring herself? I honestly cannot answer that. I remember Cindy asking me why I hated him. "I just do" was my answer. I do know that he seemed to take great pleasure in the fact that I couldn't stand him.*

His obvious pleasure with and disregard for my hatred made me hate him even more! Who did he think he was anyway?! My hatred didn't make me blind to the fact that he was ridiculously good looking. The guy was beautiful, is what he was.* I have never been the girl that falls for a boy because of his good looks, though. I have to fall for the boy himself!

Cindy was "in love" with Stan. He was her "hero." Her "hero" was always there when I came to visit. That fueled my "hatred" because as long as he was there, I couldn't pull her to the side for a little pow wow. I couldn't tell her, in his presence, that I wouldn't be back if he was going to be there every time I came over. She wouldn't have kept it to herself until after I left. If Stan had known that his mere presence would or could stop me from visiting, he certainly would have derived even more pleasure from the situation.

I am here to tell you, though, that this Stan guy, this "motorcycle hero" just really tried my patience.* He knew that I hated him, but he was always so nice and polite. I was downright rude. He was unflappable. He really seemed to revel in knowing how much I hated him.

Eventually, he went away. I don't remember details or dates on that one. He and I were talking about this very subject the other night. He said that he really didn't hang out at her house for long. He said that he came around just long enough to make sure that she was OK. His brother did hang out quite a bit, though. Apparently, Stan did see her a few more times after her recovery. He went with his brother to a few parties/get togethers. I don't remember much talk about Stan after that. It was as if he was here one day and gone the next, without much ado.*

Life, as I previously knew it, resumed. Life before the accident and before meeting this overrated hero, resumed. I moved back home for three months after the accident. I never gave Stan another thought at all, unless Cindy happened to mention him. There was also the occasion in which his brother would be at Cindy's. Yes, seeing his brother reminded me that this guy still existed! Thank goodness he was no longer intruding on MY existence!

In January of 1985, just three months after the accident and having moved back home, I moved into my own place. I moved way out to Midway. A little town off the main stretch, midway between Gulf Breeze and Ft. Walton Beach, Florida. Midway has always been referred to as BFE. If you are not familiar with BFE, it stands for "Bum Fuck Egypt"!

I found a really cool, old, single wide trailer with an add-on. The add-on was a tiny, old, silver Air Stream RV. It had a rather large, wooden deck, above, with stairs leading up to it. I remember a round, wood picnic table, as well as an operable traffic light on the deck. Living in BFE didn't keep me from having company almost every weekend. Everyone loved it out there. Mr. Millstead, the owner, was a really cool older dude. He was also my closest neighbor. He didn't care what we did.

We didn't have to worry about the cops being called since there were at least two acres between each neighbor. The cool layout of the place, along with the laid back "party" atmosphere was very inviting, in spite of the distance. Most of my friends wanted to stay the night. I often had company stay all weekend. I loved it. Those were some fun times. However, due to my long drive back and forth to work everyday, I didn't stay out there too long.

I moved in with the trollop that I worked with at Seven Eleven. That living arrangement didn't last long. When she realized that one of her tricks was trying to have a relationship with me, our arrangement went South very quickly. The final straw for me was when she locked my elderly cat, along with the litter box, in my loft bedroom in the middle of the summer without turning the AC on. Although, I declined a relationship with her friend, I did go out with him a couple of times. I went out with him to pay her back for being cruel to my beloved "Patches."

I then moved in with a friend of a friend. She was the best roommate I've ever had. Hindsight is 20/20. We shared an apartment over on E Street on the water. We lived in By the Bay Apartments. Hurricane Ivan took them out.

I'm almost positive that it was a day shy of the one year anniversary of the wreck. Gina and I were out at the beach. We had just walked out of Kevin's. I wasn't underage drinking that night, though. The drinking age had just changed from 19 to 21. Those of us who were already 19 and drinking were "grandfathered" in! I don't remember if we were leaving or just out for fresh air.

We were walking down the sidewalk in front of the plaza where Kevin's was located. We were probably headed down to Dirty Joe's to see who was hanging out down there that night. The next thing I know, I look up and there's STAN! Stan the MAN was walking towards us! I ran to him and practically jumped into his arms, as if he was my long lost love. As Stan said, "and it seemed like the most natural thing"; running into his arms in the manner that I did.

We started dating. I distinctly remember Gina saying, "Tammy, I thought you hated him?!" To which I replied, "Well, I guess I don't anymore!" I was so very happy. I never even gave my initial hatred of him another thought. According to him, though, my initial hatred did bother him. He SAID that he questioned the authenticity of my feelings based on that initial "hatred." I'm not buying that, though. He knew that Tammy fell head over heels for him. I fell hard and I fell fast!

We dated briefly. Yes, I was head over heels, madly and deeply in love with Stan. However, he scared the hell out of me. I wasn't scared that he would physically hurt me. In retrospect, I realize that I was afraid of having my heart broken. In my 19 year old mind, having been very sheltered growing up, what could I offer him? What could he possibly want from me that he hadn't already had?

He had already served time in the military. I was quite sure that he was much more sexually experienced than I was. He rode motorcycles! Oh my! He even took me into Cack's one time. For those not local and/or too young to remember, Cack's was a pretty rough biker bar over in Warrington. I really have no idea what the purpose in going there was.* I remember that we were in and out. He told me not to ever go in there without him.

As abruptly as it all began, it ended. No warning. There were no disagreements. There was no strife. We were done. I hung on for a while, hoping against hope that he'd come back. He didn't. I was heartbroken. He was my first heartbreak. Reluctantly, I moved on. I never forgot. I couldn't forget. We had something. There was no closure. There was no reasonable explanation.

He had just started his OTR truck driving career right after we started dating. Of course, every time that I saw an 18 wheeler, specifically one of J.B. Hunt's, I was checking out the driver to see if it was Stan. Trust and believe, had any of those drivers been Stan, I'd have followed that truck. It's very likely that I would have crashed into it. I would have done whatever it took to stop him. Seeing an 18 wheeler is pretty much a daily occurrence. Therefore, there weren't many days at all, that I didn't think about this man.

Fast forward 30 years. Thirty years of me checking out thousands of truck drivers and checking each years new phone book to see if there was a listing for him. I looked for him on MySpace, Facebook, the White Pages, etc, to no avail. In March 2016, I finally found him on Facebook! I found him through Cindy. She's still friends with his brother. Stan had commented on one of her status posts in regards to our wreck, in which she mentioned him through his brother. He's not even using his name!*

I sent him a friend request. He accepted. I wanted to wait and see if he would message me first. Patience may be a virtue, but it isn't one of mine. I messaged him first. We've messaged ever since.

Last October (2016) he came into town to visit his Mother. He asked if he could come to where I work and say hi. Duh! Of course, you can! Unfortunately, at the time, I couldn't even step outside and have a brief conversation with him. I was also still involved in a very rocky relationship. I wanted so bad to spend a few moments with Stan. Coffee, tea, me? Lol. I also didn't want to do to someone else what I wouldn't want done to me. I didn't want Stan to think that if he and I were ever to be together again, that I would just as quickly go off with another man while with him.

After that reunion in the store, I ended my then relationship. We continued living together, but it was over. It should have been over long before then. Yes, I ended it because I realized that I still loved Stan, after all those years. In fact, in all of those years, I had never loved anyone as much as I did Stan.

I got comfortable. I was scared to move on. After losing my oldest son, the ex boyfriend/roommate had been there for me. So, I stayed in the house, out of fear of living alone and starting all over again. Nonetheless, the relationship was over. O-V-E-R. D-O-N-E! No more intimacy, no more good times. Actually, nothing but even more misery than before.

My miserable ex finally moved out in March (2017) I was quick to let Stan know, after his stop in the store,that the miserable ex and I had split up, but still living together. I was even quicker to let him know when the miserable ex finally left the building! Life is short. I've had so many regrets and losses. I wasn't going to let this pass me by, if he was willing. Somehow, I was 99.99% sure that he did feel the same and would be more than willing.

It seemed like an eternity that we went back and forth on Messenger. We were both throwing it out there, yet it was going no where. As I said, patience is a virtue, just not one of mine! I decided to throw in the towel. It seemed obvious to me that he wasn't interested in taking things further than an online flirtation.

I got online one night, while at work. Low and behold, there's a post from Stan! Several more, one after another, of his sarcastic, dry and dead pan humor posts ensued. I had already decided, by gosh, I am NOT messaging this man anymore! In addition to being impatient, I am also very impulsive! Yes, I messaged him! I had all intentions of telling him, that I had begun to move on. Therefore, I was no longer a threat to him!

It started like this:

ME: Well, hello Stan! (If only he could hear the dripping sarcasm in my head as I typed that message! )

HIM: Hello, Tammy, my lifelong friend, one of the few I'm honored to call a soul friend and the one that got away. And, it's haunted me all these years.

I bawled, like a baby. I KNEW IT! Ironically, I always said that HE was the one I let get away! We then admitted our love for each other way back then. We revealed to each other that we had never stopped loving each other. We still loved each other now as then.

Things progressed rather quickly from that point on. Within three weeks Stan was here in town. He originally came down to accompany his mother to a medical procedure. Of course, he fully intended to see me, too! As it turns out, his mother ended up hospitalized three days before he got here. That extended his stay.

No doubt, I was happy to have him here longer. However, an extended stay, by choice, would have been much preferred over his mother being hospitalized! I felt bad being so excited about his visit after finding out she was in the hospital. It just didn't feel right to be so damned excited. I confessed this to him. He assured me that he "got it" and that he, as well, was just as happy to see and have more time with me.

We got to spend four nights together. I am ever so thankful for that. I got to spend time with my soulmate as an adult versus the child I was when we dated so long ago. However, it did take some time for me to feel comfortable. Why? He is so very important to me, as he always was. He's very serious and level-headed whereas I'm a little (alot) goofy. I'm definitely not always the most level headed. I act on impulse most of the time, whereas he thinks things through and ponders.

With that being said, I was concerned that he would find me to be immature, irresponsible, and all things he's not. I finally voiced this concern to him. His response was that perhaps I was the yang to his yen. He remarked that we would be pretty bored if we were both as he is. He then said, "and, how chaotic if we were both as you are. Maybe we kind of balance each other out?" I'd like to think so. I suppose time will tell.

I failed to tell him that goodbyes have always been hard for me. I have no idea why. That's just the way I've been for as long as I can remember. If I love you and I know that a period of time will pass before we see each other again, I AM going to get emotional. What can I say? That's part of who I am. I got emotional when we went to bed last night. Lying there in his arms was just too much. I got used to that. It's amazing how quickly I got used to it. As I said, he feels like home. Lying there close to him, with his arms around me, thinking about his imminent departure, I lost it.

In retrospect, that was very selfish of me. However, once those tear ducts start welling up, it's impossible for me to stop. I was trying to be quiet about it. Maybe if I hadn't been so close to him, he wouldn't have known. He's already been under stress due to his mother's condition. He shouldn't have to come home (if you will) to an emotional woman. Oh, and did I mention that this naturally emotional woman is also menopausal?

Yep! He didn't realize what he was getting himself into! Stan, being the "sensible" one of the two of us, gets up and says we have to talk about this. He informed me that he had to get up early to be at the hospital in order to talk to the doctors. He would then be leaving for his 10 hour drive home. He stated that if he had to, and if it would make things easier, he would get another room so that we both could get some sleep. OH HELL NO! Was he out of his mind?! Did he really think that I'd agree to that?! Perhaps he knew that would stop the waterfall. (Hmmmm...hindsight is 20/20. Of course, he knew!) I sucked it up, knowing if he got another room I'd lose my mind.

As I said before, Stlan was (still is) ridiculously good looking. However, it wasn't his good looks that got me. Honestly, I have no clue what got me, being that I initially "hated" him. What has kept me is how he made me feel (still does). I liked what he was on the inside. He's intelligent. I can talk to him about anything. He truly does "get" me. He's polite and well mannered. He puts the toilet seat down! I'm thinking now that the toilet seat thing sealed the deal! I also feel safe with him, in all ways.

I knew that he was still the same person on the inside just from messaging back and forth on Facebook. I did wonder if I would still be physically attracted to him and vice versa. Much to our chagrin, we both have gotten older. Physical changes are to be expected. I've had three children since he last saw me. He's totally gray. I must say, though, that we both still look pretty damn good! Yes, I am still just as physically attracted to him now as I was then. I believe they call that "love."

He did ask how we're going to "do this." How are we going to be together with such a physical distance between us? That is certainly something that I have thought about. My response was that we would just have to see what happens. I would love for us to live in the same town. However, for now, I say we just enjoy each other's company when we can. If it's meant to be, it will be. Nothing can stop it.

We've spent all these years loving each other with the both of us ignorant to that fact. I don't know about Stan, but our mutual confession of our true feelings was such a huge release for me. Now that he's on his way home, I need to chill and process all of this. Now isn't the time to worry and stress over the small and/or non-existent issues. Reuniting with him was a dream come true. I shall bask in the wonderful memories. Whilst doing so, I can look forward to knowing that I WILL see him again!*

*The asterisks seen throughout my story indicate his commentary to what I wrote. His responses are below. Yes, he is a man of few words! (I could actually envision his facial expressions and chuckles, throughout, as he read it.)

*No. I went straight to the car. I didn't see Cindy until later. You were in the passenger seat, facing the window, arms draped down the door, chin resting on the window sill.

*I'm not sure who got you out of the car.

*Yes, actually, I did.

*You're too kind.

*:)

*As it should be. No fanfare. It's just my way.

*Just to show you a part of my world at the time.

*Off the radar, living in the shadows where I'm comfortable.

*Yes, you will!

***This is a true story. There will be follow up stories as well. I believe that Stan and I are twin flames. I want to share our journey, so as to possibly help and support others also on the journey. I will also be confirming to fellow twin flames that you're NOT crazy!!!! Names have been changed, with the exception of mine.