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"Am I doing this right?" Ralph says as she looks up at Jay.
"Yeah babe, you're doing amazing-" Jay manages to let out as he's moaning.
He thrusts as she's already performing. She gags and quickly collects herself in the passenger seat. She wipes her mouth and lays back with her eyes closed.
"Can I fall asleep here?" Ralph jokingly begs.
"Babe, you know I have to go back to work," Jay bubbled, "But you did a really good job babe. That was just awesome."
Ralph begins to feel the lump in her throat that she feels when she's about to ask Jay something that he doesn't like her to ask. About his past. What he always tried to keep secret from Ralph.
"Was I better than-" She fretted looking down at her dress, "her?"
Jay smiles, "Babe, you were the best, okay? Do you want gas money?"
Ralph continues to look down at her hands and thinks about the afternoon she's had. Trying hard to not think about anything else other than having to say goodbye.
Ralph scoffs, "No, I don't want any of your money. Just text me when you get home, okay?"
Jay chirped, "Okay! I'll text you when I get off work."
Jay goes back inside the bank and Ralph backs up to leave and tries desperately not to make eye contact with anyone in the parking lot who might've seen what they had been up to. She sits in traffic in silence. Ralph usually can't live without some music to fill her head with something other than her thoughts but this time, she couldn't even bring herself to do something other than focusing on getting home. She swallows and she can taste him in her mouth. Jay tasted salty like sweat. Although Jay's never actually finished, Ralph has a pretty good idea of what he tastes like. She stares blankly, thinking about the last time she went to go see Jay.
"I have to tell you something and it's been something that I wanted to keep to myself for the rest of my life but, you deserve to know. We've come so far in our relationship, I think it's only fair if you know what kind of person I really am." Jay lamented to Ralph.
Ralph grabbed Jay's hand and held it close to her face and chest, "You can tell me anything Jay, I'll always love you no matter what. There's nothing that you can tell me that will make me stop caring about you."
"Ralph, when we weren't together earliest this year, I had oral sex with Colleen several different times. She would mostly do it to me but I did it to her too." Jay confessed.
Ralph, still holding Jay's hand, turns her head and looks at the clock on his dashboard. She tries to calculate how many minutes he has left until his break is over.
"13 more minutes..." Ralph whispers to herself.
Ralph then slightly sneered, "How many times?"
Jay scorned, " "
Ralph's head is filled with a million thoughts. Mostly thinking about the light hearted stories Jay would tell, but ended up being fabricated lies about when Colleen and Jay were together. She remembers when Jay told her a story about him and his friends going to Los Angeles and doing edibles together. He said that they were all listening to his favorite album and it felt like he was floating in space, that he never felt a sensation like that before. He also mentioned funny stories of how his friends would just laugh at stupid things in public. I laughed with him, not knowing the true side of the story.
Ralph lets go of his hand, placing it on his lap. "I have to go, your break is going to be over soon. Look, I hope you know Jay that I will never send you a nude ever again and I will never do anything with you. Not until we're married."
"Okay." Jay says solemnly.
Ralph opens the door to his car and slams it behind her. She jumps in her car and speeds down the street where his work is. She wipes tears from her eyes, wailing in the privacy of her own car. She punches her steering wheel at a stop light. Telling herself, "You fool, he lied to your face and you just laughed with him like an idiot." She just keeps driving until she navigates herself to the freeway, just to sit in traffic with tears streaming down her face.
When Ralph cries, she looks like a red faced baby. Not only did she look like one, but she definitely was one. Only a child could believe the stories Jay would tell her. She never doubted anything Jay would tell her. Never. Ralph has never lied to Jay because she's never been ashamed of who she was or what she did. She was an open book with Jay and she definitely thought it was the same for Jay.
Ralph finally is home, she lays on her bed waiting for Jay to text her. He usually doesn't come home from work until about 7:00 so she has quite a while to herself. Ralph loves to surf the web in her free time. It takes up most of her attention because she's completely addicted to social media, as every teenager is nowadays. No offense to teenagers who aren't interested in social media but I am speaking about the majority of youths Ralph's age.
Ralph closes her eyes while listening to her "JUST ME AND MY OLDIE$$$$$$" playlist on Spotify. The playlist she's listened to hundreds of times with several different artists from different decades. This time she tunes into Sade, an artist who she resonates with the most because of her subject matter and her deep voice.
"My love is wider, wider than Vitoria Lake
My love is taller, taller than the empire state
It dives and it jumps and it ripples like the deepest ocean
I can't give you more than that, surely you want me back."
Hot tears stream down the sides of her face into her hair. She stares at her ceiling, looking at the sticker residue from when she used to have glow in the dark stars in her room. She remembers when she got them.
Ralph was about 8 years old when she was obsessed with the idea of having stars in your OWN ROOM. One of her babysitters friends had something similar in her room and she had to have some in her life. Ralph's patient but loving mother took her to Spencers, the only place in town that sells such stickers, to buy them. Ralph hates scary things so when her mother took her to Spencers, she held onto her arm and looked down at the floor, making sure to not look up and see something that would make her feel uneasy. While her mom is being cashed out at the register, she tries desperately not to lift her head and see the disgusting dolls that stare you down from the top shelf.
Ralph thinks about her youth when men were the least of her problem. When all she cared about was God, and her family and friends. She wipes her tears thinking about what she's sacrificed just to be with Jay.
To start from the beginning, she sacrificed her parent's trust. Repeatedly. She's sacrificed the way people viewed her. She sacrificed the relationship she had with Jay's parents and sister. She sacrificed her dignity with revealing photos and chasing him like a dumb dog. Even saying "dumb dog" is offensive to dogs because even dogs have a sense of right and wrong. Dogs can leave a situation when they want to. But Ralph was less than that.
Later that night, on the phone Ralph is pleading with Jay.
"I hate you, I hate everything about you, you lied to me and I've never lied to you. You make me sick and I wish I never met you." She tries to belt out confidently but ends up being taken down by the shakiness of her own voice.
"Look, you really need to just let this go. I know I hurt you and I love you but we need to be away from each other, hun. We need to work on ourselves." Jay tries to tell Ralph.
"I hate you. you ruined my life"
"I wish I never met you."
"You always lie to me, I never lie to you."
Ralph was quick to throw the punches but Jay would just take it. He would take it and try to reason why their relationship is not good for them. They should let go and maybe in the future things will be better.
But Ralph didn't want to wait for Jay. Even if it meant that things would've gone better for them in the long run. She couldn't stand the idea of being away from him for so long.
I mean, what does 'waiting' really mean? Does waiting mean, waiting until your mid twenties to pursue a relationship with someone?
Despite the things that Ralph was saying to Jay, she didn't want to let go of Jay. She forgave him for the infidelities and tried her best to do major damage control.
It was as if Ralph was trying to nail an egg to a wall and then running away to grab tape to stick it to the wall, and then going to find glue... and so on and so forth. She was trying so hard to desperately make this work that in the mean time, she doesn't notice that not only is she making a total mess, but it's the only thing she's really focusing on and spending her time on. Jay was the only thing Ralph cared about and it was ruining her life, more than it already had.
Until one day Jay finally put his foot down and told the truth about how he felt about Ralph.
You made my soul a burning fire
You're getting to be my one desire
You're getting to be all that matters to me