It's Hard to Be Me

When I was three-years-old, my mom bought me a beautiful pink princess dress to dress in for Halloween. I fell in love with that dress and felt so beautiful in it. I remember how confident I felt walking up to people's doors and asking them for candy. I just knew no one would be able to refuse giving candy to such a pretty girl.

I look back and I really wish that I could feel that way again. I wish I could face the world with confidence. It's not that I think I'm ugly or fat. If I were to be honest, I lack confidence because I'm a homosexual.

I'm well aware that the media seems to be very accepting of it. A lot of people don't quite understand why I'm so insecure about it when everyone around the world is slowly becoming more accepting of it. The problem is, sure, it appears a lot more people are becoming accepting of the concept, but not many people in a small city in southern Utah are accepting quite yet.

Luckily (imagine the most sarcastic tone of voice ever heard), I happened to grow up in this small town in southern Utah. Saying it was hard is definitely an understatement. Every time I met people that were kind, I'd always assume that someone so kind couldn't be homophobic, but they always happened to prove me wrong when I came out. Everyone around me had the same idea that I was choosing to be gay. I can promise you, if it was a choice, I'd rather chose to be straight, but I happened to be born this way and unable to change anything I feel.

I felt almost like I was lying to everyone I spoke to if I wasn't openly gay, but at the same time, it wasn't the easiest thing to tell people. So I moved. I moved 45 miles away to start over and just be myself from the beginning and all the friends I made from there on out would know my sexuality from the beginning. I remember all these daydreams of how my life would be after I moved and it made me count the days 'til I moved, but when I did end up moving, it was nothing like I expected.

I found myself still unable to be open with who I was. I even found it hard to express my personality, in fear that my personality would give away my sexuality. I felt lonelier and much more trapped in this new place. It drove me to the point of almost giving up. I found myself unable to get out of bed for classes, and every time someone tried to be welcoming, I turned them away. I was lonely, hurt, and lost. I didn't know how to feel any better though. I didn't know how I'd go on living. I couldn't go on living. That's when I decided that Thursday, September 21st would be the last day I breathed another breath. I decided to do my makeup to the best of my ability and went to my classes, since it would be the last time. I didn't really focus on any of my classes though. I knew everything I was learning would be unimportant since I'd kill myself before all these exams. Nothing was different in classes either. Everyone ignored me and talked to other people. Going home was the same too. All of my roommates didn't talk to me and all talked with each other, excluding me as per usual.

I had this random idea come to my mind at 5 PM to go check the doors to my car. I wasn't quite sure why I had the notion to go check my car doors. It wouldn't really matter if someone stole my car anyways. However, I followed my feelings and went to check my car and found my car doors were locked, but there was something different with my car. There was a note slipped under one of the windshield wipers.

I pulled out the note and unfolded the paper and saw that it read only a few simple words, "You're beautiful just the way you are." Even though I've heard these words so many times before, never have they struck me with such power. This time I really felt myself believe the words. Something about the thought that someone decided to put this note on my car made me feel wanted in this world.

So I put away my suicidal thoughts and walked right back into my dorm, still too shy to talk to my roommates, but I found myself able to look in their eyes and smile.

I can't say, after that day, my attitude suddenly completely switched. But ever since that day, I was able to slowly start accepting myself. Each day I'm able to see more beauty in who I am. Each day I can talk to others easier. I'm still working on it, and I still really haven't made any new friends, but now I can see I'll be happy and be able to be myself without a worry. It'll be very hard to be me, but it'll be worth it in the end.