It's Not Love

Hello.

I don't know if you've been thinking about me lately. I've been thinking about you, though. Just last night, as my husband and I put our toddler to bed, I was thinking about you. I wanted to say thank you.

You probably didn't expect that, did you? I know how you think. From the day we met, you were convinced you knew me. From telling me what to wear, who to hang out with, what to spend my money on, you were sure you knew best. You would tell me what you wanted, and if I dared to go against your wishes there you'd be.

I remember once you went so far as to show up outside of my workplace, drunk. I had to leave early to take you home. Do you remember what I'd done that day? I do. I had bought myself lunch instead of making it at home, and it was "unneeded spending." I told you off, told you that seeing as we were barely dating it wasn't any of your business. Then I bought my lunch and went to work. Not even two hours later, there you were outside.

What kills me the most is how good you were at it. How good you were at twisting it so I would feel it was my fault. Within a couple of months, I would have anxiety attacks at the idea of spending five dollars on myself. I would panic over what to wear, or say, or who to speak with, wondering if you would approve.

Do you remember the day you finally left me? I'm sure you do, it was such a big deal to you. I remember exactly what happened. Walking home from work I came across an older gentleman, he appeared to be in his sixties. He was counting a handful of ones on the street corner. It was clear he'd been living rough for awhile. I gave him a dollar bill from my purse, and he told me he was trying to get enough money to get into a cheap motel so he didn't have to sleep outside.

I decided he needed help, so I took him to the hotel up the road and I paid for a room for him. He cried as he said thank you. I left feeling on top of the world. I'd helped someone, and it felt amazing. And then I walked in the door and told you, and all hell broke loose.

'How could I put us at risk?' 'How could I spend that money?' 'How could I...How could I...' Once again, you'd managed to take something I'd done and twist it until I felt lower than dirt. You left that day. At the time, I thought I was just too screwed up. Now I realize it's probably because you realized you'd never really be able to control me.

I eventually started to feel like I was free. I even went on a date. However, I made the mistake of mentioning the date to a mutual friend. That night, around 2 AM, I received a drunken phone call from you; you were sure to remind me it was my fault you left. I didn't see him again for weeks.

When I eventually did seem him again, you showed up at my door at 3 AM. You claimed you were returning a locker key. After several minutes of standing there you ran off with the key, and I could tell that you expected me to chase after you. I knew you wanted me to chase you, so we could have a dramatic crying reconciliation and you could worm your way back into my life. Part of me wanted to. But I didn't. I closed the door, and went back to bed. I haven't seen you since. I did see him again though; he's now my husband.

So, I guess it's time to say thank you. You taught me the hard way what I'm worth. You taught me that sometimes what looks and feels like love is really just thorns, trying to choke me away until I'm nothing but a withered flower. You taught me to never, ever, depend on the approval of anyone ever again.

Now I can teach my beautiful daughter, and make sure she is strong enough to see what I couldn't. She will never be that frightened girl, wondering what her worth is. She will know who she is and how strong she is. She is a rose, worthy of a pure love and worthy of someone who cares.

And you know what?

So am I.

Sincerely, Finally Free.