Nikki Marie
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It's Not Me, It's You... Oh Wait, It's Both of Us

Ok, it's complicated.

Let me start out by saying I've never seen a therapist, but I probably should. These days I think everyone has grown up with some kind of issues and should probably seek some sort of guidance, because sometimes it's not enough to use Google and YouTube to answer life's problems.  Ok, now that that's out of the way, don't you ever wonder why it's so hard to just let go of things that no longer play a positive role in our lives, bring us joy, and contribute to our overall wellbeing? I've found myself wondering that for probably the past year and a half now. First, I couldn't let go of my ex bf because I didn't want to hurt his feelings, and make him hate me for not feeling the same anymore. We weren't getting anywhere after 3 1/2 years, he had family issues from his past that were still affecting him, and I just didn't see a future with him any longer because we were on different paths.

Currently I'm in a relationship with someone who has problems with alcohol, and has had jail time because of that, does recreational drugs on a regular basis, has deep rooted past family issues as well and is mourning the loss of his father which has caused him major depression. (Boy does my mom wish I stood with my ex!) We've only been together for about 9 months now but it's felt like longer due to the fact that I met him right in the midst of his depression (at a bar of course), before his father passed and ended up being a comfort for him. Let's just say things moved really fast because of how emotionally charged he was and I got wrapped up into taking care of him. Now, with the help of a man that calls himself a "human connection specialist" that I found on Instagram, I've come to realize that the reason why I'm putting up with certain behavior is probably because of my own past family issues. I'm getting to an unhappy place now because he hasn't respected me and our relationship at times due to his substance abuse, and I can't seem to break it off. Maybe I don't want to deal with the confrontation and loss, not to mention the love I feel for him because of the person he is when he's not under the influence and I don't want him to be alone through his process? I've also let his treatment of me during the bad times affect how I treat him all the time and my overall happiness.

When do I put myself first, though? Why is it so hard to have those conversations? I was alone just fine before I met him, taking care of myself, but truthfully that's gone out the window and my life now revolves around him. I was once called a "helper" and that makes total sense now because of what I've learned about how our past affects us. The fact that I feel like he needs me and those times when he tells me he doesn't want to be alone keeps me around. I feel like he's just comfortable with me now because I have been with him through the tough times, but that's not enough to stay with someone. I feel like now that he's slowly recovering, and has a plan for himself and his future, it's only a matter of time before he doesn't need me anymore. It's like I'm waiting for him to make the move though, which isn't fair to me. I know I need to put myself first, too. I just don't know when I will. People say everything happens to teach us something, but I suppose only time will tell. Man, do I need help.

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