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It's Okay, to Not Be Okay

You've heard it all before.

Life is beautiful, it's all about how you look at it. 

Here we are, it's just us. 

It's all about staying positive.

Everyone has a story, but yet not everyone has read the book. We always think that our life is worse than others, that they have no right to judge us or make assumptions about us; but yet, we do it to them. No one ever stops and truly thinks, 'I wonder how they're doing today.' People always put a brave face on, whether they're in public, at school, in the mall, or even at home with their friends and family.

I'm not going to sit here and tell you that you need to start considering other people's lives and what they might be going through, because we all know that is not going to happen. Don't start to think that you're the only one who could possibly be going through something so horrible. Everyone has a past, everyone has a story, and everyone goes through struggles that no one, not even that person, can truly understand.

Now maybe I'm only saying all this because I'm laying here in my boyfriend's bed by myself watching 13 Reasons Why season two. Or maybe it is because the last few weeks I have struggled. My whole life has been a struggle, I can tell you that there was a time in my life where I can say I was happy. I had friends, and I don't mean the kind of friends where you only hang out at school and you don't truly know them or the type of friends that you go to parties with and share those stupid drunken moments together. I mean true, genuine friends. I have so many wonderful memories with them, from our horror movie night sleepovers where I was really the only one who enjoyed them and didn't get scared when everyone else did to always being together around Christmas, exchanging gifts and drinking in the hot tub; all the way to our dinners at Buffalo Wild Wings. Even our weekend parties at rodeos where I had to stop my friend from making out with a guy so she could help me find a guy I really liked that ended up into her holding me while I cried. Now, you might all be thinking that all of that is just bullshit, and while all that might be true now, back then; that's all a girl could ever ask for.

The last year of high school, I don't even know how to explain it; so I won't. After high school? Oh man!! I was working in a warehouse for two straight years right after high school before I finally went off to college. I thought that this was going to be my time. I'm going off to somewhere where one knows me, maybe I can truly be myself and no one will judge me for who I am because we were all adults going after the same dream. Everything was awesome, almost perfect. I had friends who cared, everyone in our class knew us by the inseparable trio because we were attached at the hip. It didn't take us long before we decided to all get a place together. What a bad idea that was, when everyone in your life is telling you it's a bad idea, it probably is.

I finished school, I moved home, and I started my practicum. Everything was great, then my practicum was over, and I started to apply to jobs and I was going to interviews. Interviews, after interviews, after interviews, and still nothing. It's been weeks, but you know what? I kept a positive attitude through it all.

Everyone thinks my life is perfect. My parents are still together, I have an amazing boyfriend of four years who would give me his arm and leg if he had to. I live for free, my parents pay for my phone bill, my car insurance, even my gas. Now, we're not rich, that's just how awesome my parents are. I always try to be there for everyone in my life, make sure they know that I'm there for them if they need me. I'm really, and I tell them exactly what they need to hear, they've always told me that that is what they loved about me. What do I get out of it? I get shit on. Over and over and over again. Nothing I ever do is right.

People only ever see what they want to see. Don't judge a book by its cover unless you've read the whole book. Sorry to let you know hun, these books don't end, so get used to it.

Be the person you want others to be. Treat others, the way you'd want to be treated. Be the type of kind, others only have good things to say about.

Be clique, if nothing else. At least you'll be something.

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It's Okay, to Not Be Okay
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