It Was Never About... Me?

Do you remember the one feeling of being loved so much your heart would calm down? Or actually feeling so happy that you can't contain your smile? She made me feel that way. I remember expressing every single emotion I had because she made me feel safe. I could be myself. I didn't understand what being that happy could be. I always despised people who were so happy and I always questioned myself when would I meet someone who could make me feel that way.

But then she came along. She walked right up to me the first time we met and introduced herself. At first, I have to admit, I was shy and I shoved her away. I didn't know how to interact with others, nor at the time did I want to. But soon enough, she clasped me by the heart and kept trying. It felt as though she pushed me off a mountain and onto a train. It felt so unreal that someone actually wanted to talk to me and wanted to know what I was thinking about and what I was feeling.

We soon started getting close and in such a short amount of time. It almost seemed like things were finally going my way. I started warming up to people, meeting different people, and just seeing everything in a brighter way. Any and every time we could, we would hang out. I even found someone new to hang with. Although it wasn't like hanging out with her, I could still see why interacting with others was important. I think that no matter how many times I wish things like this would last forever, I know things never last. It all seemed so surreal.

"Promise me that no matter what happens, we'll always be there for each other." She smiled at me as we swung back and forth on the playground swings. She never had more of a serious look in her eyes. I smiled widely at her as I promised. To this day, I could never forget how serious she was, almost as if she meant it.

***

It was cold outside. I never knew how cold, because my heart was warm enough to keep me alive. My eyes were blurry. I could feel my fingers numbing as the cold air swiftly took the touch from my fingertips.

I remember walking down the path to her house. For a special occasion? No. I simply just—just wanted to see her. As I look up at the starless sky, I could nostalgically remember walking down this path before, but the only difference was just starting to get to know her. It made me smile, and that wasn’t something I did often. The cool air brushed against my cheek as I heard the soft whistle of the trees. Thinking back, I remember this was her favorite time of year. "Winter always brings new surprises, and the air understands the harmony of your feelings. I want to meet someone who understands that," she would always tell me.

I finally arrived, walking right up to her doorstep. Before I could knock, I heard a crash from her bedroom window. I got worried and took the key from under the mat, rushing inside and up the stairs. There she was... an extinguished shock on her face as she stared at me with regret. I didn’t dare to look at the heartbroken accomplice as I slowly backed away and walked out of the house.

I looked up at the sky and was actually grateful that this cold night could freeze up my tears and the warmth of my beating heart as I walked that lonely path.