It Was Never Going to Be Me

When I have a daughter, there are a multitude of lessons I'm going to teach her about life. I'm going to teach her that scraping your knees only means you have to get back up again, just because something is free doesn't make it good, and heartbreak will always lead you in the right direction.

I refuse to teach her this mentality that "boys suck," "men are monsters," "stay away from boys." Because in reality, this isn't true. Teaching her these lessons will only reinforce the idea that women are meant to be victims, afraid of men, and ultimately reject them completely. Men are humans too, they have feelings and thoughts and are just as valuable as we are.

In fact, I'll tell her this story.

This is the story of the time a boy played me, but I didn't get the hint and looked like an idiot. In this case, neither one of us were right.

I knew a guy from childhood, and later on after we entered adulthood, we reconnected. I had always had this guy in the back of my head. As kids, we had little crushes on each other and it was cute. But this time around, I was ready for the real deal.

Ladies, keep in mind that EVERYONE needs time to heal from a breakup. I don't care how long you were with someone, every relationship needs that time to heal. Don't expect a guy (or yourself) to be ready for another relationship immediately, I promise he will not be emotionally available and you'll just get hurt. That being said, getting hurt can lead you in the right direction.

This guy had recently broken up with his ex. I don't remember EXACTLY how long they were dating for, but it was a significant amount of time. That should have been my first red flag.

So we hung out for a period of like, 2-3 months. During this time I was OBSESSED with him. Like, crazy obsessed. I used the word "played" because he did give me mixed signals, but really he was just confused emotionally.

I changed my whole demeanor when I was around him. I wasn’t the same person I used to be. I became a new version of who I thought he wanted me to be.

I was so hung up on this guy that he controlled my mood and self esteem. If he messaged me, and paid attention to me, I was happy and eating and taking care of myself. If he didn't for whatever reason, I didn't sleep, I didn't eat, and I laid in bed crying. It was quite the toxic relationship.

We went back and forth for a while, but at the end of it all, he got back with his ex. They actually had a baby together, and now, looking back, I'm really happy for them. In the end, it was always her. It was always going to be her, and I could never take that place.

The ins and outs of our "relationship" don't matter at this point. I learned something important. Relationships are made up of a lot of things, and they're complicated, but at the end, it's important to know when to walk away. And, even more importantly, you have to take care of yourself.

You can’t force someone to be in a relationship. You can’t force someone to like you if they don’t. You can’t force someone to make up their mind if they have no idea what they want. You have to know what you want, and be strong enough to walk away if they are not giving you that. Ultimatums and timelines do nothing for your cause. In the end, you have to know when it’s time to let go.