Jake, Who?

I thought I was going to have a lot more to say about Jake over the course of time. Turns out he was just another disappointment. I've been told that people change over the course of time, but I didn't know that someone so amazing and so nice could turn into one of the biggest disappointments in the span of 3 years. We've known each other since we were 14. We dated for 2 years before we called things off after starting college. Now that we're older we tried to give things a second chance, but he's so different now. It breaks my heart. How could someone so genuine and so honest become so tainted and emotionally unavailable after one long-term relationship? He dated someone for almost 3 years after we broke up, and he obviously loved her with everything he had because it's been one year and he's still not over her. I just didn't want to believe that when we were talking. After coming to this realization, I recognized the fact that I only loved the 18-year-old version of him I once knew. Who he is now and who I have become was not going to work. On Sunday night I ended up calling him and asked for 5 minutes of his time. I made it quick and simple.

I said, "I think intimacy really complicated things, and I can tell you're still not over your ex. Unless you can tell me honestly, right now, that you have feelings for me then I think it's best if we just be friends." His response?

"I want to say that I have feelings, and I definitely feel like there's still a connection between us. But every time I feel like I'm starting to feel something again I tell myself not to and then I hold myself back. I'm not saying you're like the last girl who moved back for me, because this situation is different, but I'd kick your ass if you were because I don't want to guarantee anything. I'm not ready to be tied down again." I stopped him right there.

"I'm NOT moving back for you. I'm moving back to be closer to my sister and my niece because she doesn't have a support system. I'm "friend-zoning" myself. I still want to grab a beer and catch up every once in a while, but I think it's best if we no longer flirt and I will no longer let you lead me on like this. Wouldn't you say that's disrespectful towards me?" He hung up. I haven't heard from him since. He always called us "friends for now" yet he's treating this like a break-up. I didn't even know we were a couple to begin with. Apparently, his ex and the girl who moved back for him was never out of the picture. I'm sure he's just fine.

As disappointing as it is, I didn't shed a single tear because it's taught me several things:

1. Emotional guards are stupid. The only thing they guard you against is your own growth.

Whoever it is that is coming into my life next, will not be who you had in the past. They are a completely different person. Why should I punish or diss them for something that they probably would never do to me? So Jake hurt me, but I'm not going to let him taint me. He taught me that I'm too wise and too out of his league to fall for all of his tricks and games. Now that I recognize them, I won't let myself commit to anyone similar. I still have my WHOLE heart to give.

2. Fighting for someone does not mean compete for them. If they don't see your worth, don't even waste your time.

If he's still in contact with his ex, or a former interest while you're together, then let him go. After taking my last trip, and coming to this realization, I stopped talking to him for a week before finally deciding to call him. I asked myself, "Do I really want to feel this self-conscious about myself and my worth? Why am I letting myself worry about not being good enough, or even about him getting into a relationship with one of the other girls? Why would anyone put up with this?" I am worth so much more than that. I deserve more, and I have so much to offer. I will make someone happy one day. Just because this ONE guy told me I'm nothing special doesn't mean that his opinion should define who I am as a partner. If this relates to you, remember that you're perfect the way you are. If he doesn't see it, know that there's a 100% chance that someone else in your future WILL.

3. I don't need someone to love me and tell me if I'm beautiful or worth it to feel confident and complete.

If I love who I am, then that's all that matters. I won't settle for less than I deserve. That's why it was so easy for me to tell Jake that I didn't want to continue going on dates or fighting for his time between the other girls. If he wants to throw a pity party and completely ignore my efforts in maintaining the friendship we had, then that's his loss. I know that I can give someone the world. I have never been broken up with for something unfair. I have always been loyal, honest, fair, respectful, and have given my whole heart. I choose my battles, I keep open communication, I believe that giving someone their space to enjoy going out with friends and keeping up with hobbies is a must. I could go on and on about what I have to give. I don't stick around for any kind of disrespect towards me, control, or manipulation. Someone once told me "You're single. You have no one that loves you." I laughed so hard. I don't need someone to love me to be happy. I love who I am. I love how I'm active, how well I'm doing in school. I love my friends, my job, my schedule. Hell, I even love how I have enough time to do my hair and makeup every day now. I can do what I want, when I want, with whoever I want without worrying about my significant other. Life's too beautiful to settle for someone less than I deserve and give my energy to something that won't last.

All I need is patience and time. For now, I've got a lot of personal growth I need to focus on, and if anything relates to you, then I say focus on the same. I've set goals for myself, and have committed to not settling for anything less than that I believe I deserve in the meantime. For now, I want to make new friends, get involved with the community, find a better job and home, and finally finish my education. If someone fits into my life within that time, then great. If not, then I'm still focusing on becoming the best version of me and the rest really won't matter.