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John and Jane and L**e

Timing in Relationships

By Katrina ThornleyPublished 6 years ago 7 min read
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Every relationship is different. They develop at different speeds. Some people rush right into marriage and family, only dating for a couple of months before they take that leap. They spend hours together everyday and by the end of week 2 they have already said those three words. “I love you.” These words can make people feel like they’re birds, soaring high above everyone else without a care in the world. For others they cause something far different and slightly more terrifying. They freeze up, finding their tongue too heavy to move, and they think for sure they’re partner can tell they’re ready to bolt the first chance they get. This doesn’t mean they feel don’t feel the same way. They can still love their partner, but want to run at the same time. It’s not the emotion that scares them usually, it’s knowing that now someone has the ability to hurt them. Love leaves you completely vulnerable and open to the other person. Love for some people is amazing, for others its like being afraid of heights and jumping from a plane without a parachute.

Let’s visit our friends John and Jane.

They are more than a year into their dating relationship. They do not yet live together, but spend a significant amount of time with one another. An event has happened.

Jane woke to John snuggling her one morning. It was early, the time where the sun is just beginning to peek through the leaves and hasn’t quite made its way through the windows. She saw that his eyes were closed, but he was smiling.

John: “I love my Jane.”

Since his eyes weren’t open, Jane closed hers, but not before she had gone tense. She was sure he had noticed her reaction to the words. She didn’t say anything back, but later wondered if she should have. She wasn’t sure though if he had meant what she thought he meant. After all, he hadn’t said “I love you Jane,” instead he had said “I love my Jane.” Language is a funny thing and leads to many different interpretations. She had of course wondered about those four letters before and wondered if she did in fact have those feelings for him, but she hadn’t gone out on a limb to say them, nor had she expected him to say them. Friends had commented months earlier:

Barbara: “It’s so weird how you don’t say you love him when you get off the phone.”

Jane: “That’s just not how we talk.”

Barbara: “Do you at least say it in person? I’ve never heard it.”

Jane: “Nope.”

Barbara: “He does love you though, I know he does. It’s weird it hasn’t been said yet, I said it to Jake a week after we started dating.”

Jane had heard the story multiple times, she could recite it now as well.

Jane: “We just don’t do it, it doesn’t mean its not there. I guess sometimes it’s not about what you say, but about how you act. You know he loves me based on how he acts towards me, not based on what he says to me.”

Barbara: *nods* “I guess you’re right Jane.”

Things to remember: Sometimes it’s not about what is said, but instead the actions that occur. Sometimes emotions are not always communicated verbally, but instead in actions that may seem extremely normal, but are not. For example: remembering a favorite food item, excitement at the thought of spending time together, setting aside time to spend together, and trying to help one another when you’re sick without being asked. Sometimes it’s not about what you say, but about how you act. If you can’t say it, then show it.

Return to our friends John and Jane.

Jane left later that morning without bringing up the snuggling incident although it weighed heavily on her mind. Did he hug her a little longer? Was he smiling a little more than normal? Or was she just reading too much into the situation?

Jane: “I’ll see you later.”

John: “Okay, text me later, I’ll be home all day.”

His hand lingered at her side a little longer than normal, she was almost sure of it. She drove to meet her friend Sampson at a local coffee shop.

Jane: “So I think I messed up this morning.”

Sampson: *laughs* “How?”

Jane: “Well he may have said that he loves me, but I don’t know if he meant it in the big way or if he was just being goofy, because you know he’s always goofy. I didn’t say it back and now I’m not sure if I should have. I just tensed up and I’m sure he noted. So now he’s probably never going to say it.”

Sampson: “What did he say?”

Jane: “He said, and I quote ‘I love my Jane’.”

Sampson: “What is he, Tarzan? It doesn’t count unless he says, ‘I love you’. Not some stupid stuff like that. You don’t say it back until he says that. And you mean to tell me, you still haven’t told each other? How long have you two been together?”

Jane though, didn’t think I love my Jane was stupid. She knew John in a different way than Sampson and understood his mannerisms and actions on a different level. The more time she spent thinking about it and the more she discussed it she thought that he had meant he loved her.

Jane: “A little over a year.”

Sampson: “Jane think about it, he still hasn’t said it and you two have been together that long. It’s like a three-month thing. You’re being stupid.”

Jane: “Not everything has a time line to follow.”

Sampson: “Yeah well that’s a bit excessive. It’s like you two are five years old.”

Jane though, didn’t agree. Immature relationships she had found tended to run into saying the big words and discussing marriage only to have the entire relationship foiled within six or seven months. John had witnessed the same thing and that was why he treated the words carefully. They’re words with meaning, so many people throw them around just to do it. My friends argue all the time, but two seconds later they say they love each other. The girl leaves the room for a second, the guy starts going off about how annoying she is. You can’t say it if you don’t mean it.

Things to Remember: Love is not meant to follow a time line. Everyone is different, every story is different, every relationship is different. There are people that stay together for twelve years and never get married, then there are people that know each other for three months and run to say, “I do.” Love is a strange thing with no absolute rules about timing. Jane is not wrong in her belief that John loves her, nor is she wrong in thinking that it doesn’t have to be said to be understood. Sampson and Barbara are both caring friends, though they mean well they do not entirely understood the existing relationship. With that being said, when talking to friends about relationship advice always remember that you are the one in the relationship and that you know your partner better than your friends do.

Return to our friends John and Jane.

It was a few months later when the subject was approached again. Jane had been thinking about it in her spare time and whenever she saw John’s little smile. She craved being next to him more than anything else. But it was time for him to go on his annual family trip to Minnesota and because of home obligations Jane had to remain in town.

John: “I’ll see you in a week.”

Jane: “It’s going to be such a long week, I hope you have fun.”

John: “I wish you could come.”

Jane: “Me too, but I’ll be here when you get back.”

There was silence where the two stared at each other. Jane touched his chest, opening and closing her mouth, but only getting out the word “I.” He smiled, with a slightly confused expression.

John: “What?”

Jane: “I like you.”

John: *laughs* “I know, I like you too.”

Jane: “I actually think I love you.”

John: “I love you too.”

Good luck in love and life, until our next run in with John and Jane.

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About the Creator

Katrina Thornley

Rhode Island based author and poetess with a love for nature and the written word. Works currently available include Arcadians: Lullaby in Nature, Arcadians: Wooden Mystics, 26 Brentwood Avenue & Other Tales, and Kings of Millburrow.

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