Journal Entries (Part I)

INTRODUCTION: I need to keep writing. I don't even care who is listening anymore. I have too much to say. I am going to find more time to write and publish entries, so I can keep my sanity. Well, there are lots of reasons I need to write more. Well, three reasons. ONE: I need to get better at writing. I used to write a lot more and I was better back then. I know practice will help boost my creativity and hopefully make me a slightly better writer. TWO: I have been having very bad anxiety recently and I always used to write to help my anxious mind find a little bit of an escape. Sometimes I feel like my thoughts can kill me. I am spiritual and I believe that the things you think about do produce a certain energy into the universe and can have effects on the future events of your life. I know this might sound crazy, but all my life I have felt a heightened sense of awareness of my thoughts and how my thought patterns seemed to attract certain things into my life. It is strange and in some cases its what makes me so anxious, just knowing or feeling like your thought patterns really do have an effect on your life and what happens to you. I have experienced these things in both negative and positive ways. I will write about these things later on, probably. THREE: Now, for the third reason, I want to write down my experiences to remember them and reflect on them one day in the future. I am 18 years old right now, 19 in less than a month... I want this to be a place where I can be as vulgar and explicit as I want. I want to share my world, because we all have our own definitions of what the world is because we all view it differently, so fuck it. Why not tell your story?

Here's my story: I have been alive for almost 19 years and I have experienced a lot. So much, that I can no longer make a little timeline of my life events in the beginning of my journal. I used to do that when I was younger. So instead of a background on me, lets just start with the present because the past and future are nothing but thoughts and memories.

May 27, 2018: I'm chilling in my room. Well, hold on. I'm gonna be more descriptive. I'm sitting on this old green love seat, probably from the 70s. Zayne is sitting to the left of me, like usual. Brant is to the left of Zayne sitting in the black office chair that I got at a yard sale a few years ago. We just smoked a good bit of weed, but I don't really feel that high. I ain't complaining though. I feel good. I am thinking a lot about moving out of this place. I'm eighteen, about to turn nineteen and Zayne has been living here for quite a few months now too. I figured out early on that I love living with him, so us getting an apartment together is my goal for this summer. We both work steady part-time jobs. We work at the same place too. It's funny, you'd think we get sick of each other but I don't know, there's just something about that boy. His dark eyes, long dark hair, perfect smile. Anyways, I think he's probably my soulmate. Will we last forever, who the hell knows. I definitely don't think we will ever get married. Zayne and I don't really believe in the whole marriage thing. I mean, making your relationship 'legal' anyways. It just seems like a trap, I think the added pressure of permanence on a relationship will kill it. It almost always does? Zayne and I never say shit like this, for example, "We'll be together forever!" because WHAT? Since when does ANYONE know the future? It confuses me that its normal to say that to someone, like I think we all just need to relax and live in the present. Truly, realize that every moment is different and can never happen again and stop creating these expectations. My parents have been together for like twenty years, and they are talking about getting a divorce. I mean as long as they are both happy. I'll just really really miss seeing them together because really that is all I know. I don't know if my dad will be good without my mom, so honestly from the bottom of my heart I hope they work it out. They seem to have been better. This last winter has kind of been hell for a lot of us. Zayne went through a lot since he's been living with me. I am happy as fuck to be putting this winter behind me. We did have some great times, but we were too reckless. It got us into a lot of shit. This summer though, this summer is going to be amazing, it's not even June and its already as hot as August. I love the heat, and the sun. I love how it feels on my skin. Anyways, until next time...

May 30, 2018: Today Zayne and I had work, but it wasn't that bad. I mean my back and legs are still sore, but we popped ecstasy pills towards the end of our shift. I know if you are reading this and don't fuck with drugs, you are probably judging me, but do I give a fuck? Well, I'm publishing this aren't I? Anyways, that kind of made us both in much better moods. This morning was a bit rough, to say the least. Zayne's dad had been texting him about getting his Mustang inspected. Now, of course that doesn't sound like anything that would make you stomach turn a little bit, but here is the situation... Zayne's dad doesn't know that he lives with me and doesn't go to school anymore. Zayne's parents are split and since Zayne is eighteen, if he isn't still in school or moved out, his dad doesn't have to pay his mom child support money anymore, but his momma ain't in a good place to be living without the extra cash every month... His dad has been trying to get out of paying the child support for a long time now. So, he hides a lot of big things from his dad, and it really fucks with Zayne. I feel heartbroken whenever he talks about how hard it is for him to lie to his dad. His dad lives like 40 minutes away and they don't see each other regularly and only ever really did when he was younger, but last August he took us to El Paso, Texas where some of his family live and we had an amazing time. I loved being with them, but in October when he moved in with me after an argument with his mom, he hasn't wanted to see his dad as much because he's always asking him abut school and it's hard for him to always lie to him. He gets depressed over it all a lot. I feel helpless, like I can't do anything to help him or relieve his stress. Sometimes I feel like its all my fault. I know it ain't all me, but some of it can be put on me and I know that. The good news is, tomorrow is the last day of school for the high school that his dad thinks he still goes to. So it'll be a little better... The ecstasy was nice. I don't really think I'm feeling it too much anymore.

June 2, 2018: Yesterday was too hard. I remember when I first met Max about two years ago. Max is Zayne's best friend. He's the that one friend that whenever he's around we're always having a lit time. EXAMPLES: The first time I got drunk, he was there and from then on there were many other times. We've smoked with him, tripped on acid with him, taken bars with him, and did cocaine on his dad's boat when he was out of town with him. He was always there even when others would come and go. That night on the boat was about a week ago, the sun went down and Max and Zayne talked a lot about life. They are so similar inside. They are fearless as hell, and they ain't scared to die, and some days they want to. It hurts my heart because I know no matter what you say to them, it isn't enough to stop the pain. They talked about their pain and I listened as the water slowly lapped the sides of the boat. A few days later, Max called me while I was in the car with Zayne, saying it was over, he was going to end it all. He hung up the phone. The next thing I know his parents want information from me, and his mom starts blaming my sister for Max's depression. Kayla has been dealing with a lot recently over that shit, because she and him went through a lot of rough patches. I remember her saying things like "fuck him..." and him saying the same old shit back, but at the end of the day, like I said, they care about each other, they got history, how could they not? Max's dad told me he ran away. He had a gun on him in the car when the cops showed up. Max has had a lot of run ins with the law, if you will. After all that happened he came over and spent the next few days just having a good time with us. We found out last night that he's going to jail for three years for having that gun on him illegally, plus evading arrest. He only told Zayne, Kayla, and I first. We all sat by the pool in my back yard after the sun went down and cried. I can't believe he'll be 21 when he gets out. The thought made us all feel sick. He's only 18 now, he's so young. He goes on house arrest in 4 days, then jail. It's hard to even type about it, let alone talk about it. He asked us to keep it private for his sake. Which is the main reason I decided to change the names of my friends in these entries... Other than the names, all this shit is true and based off my real experiences. So, if you actually read this whole thing, stay tuned...