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Journal (June 15-July 8, 2017)

June 15, 2017-July 8, 2017

June 15, 2017

So, I have been making a lot of friends online. Some of them are really cool and sweet.

Alisa my best friend. Well, she is in an art class for this summer. Let's just say her first test she missed one question. I love her I do but the question was easy. She told me she was mad at me for not helping her. I would tell her I'm sorry you should have called me. While laughing. The 3 kittens are doing fine.

They are little assholes though. Wake me up at random times. I love them I do but I just want to sleep one full night.

Anyway, I will post again soon.

Have a wonderful day/night

June 24, 2018

So my father got a race car. Where I live there are races every week. He got everything he needed the car was ready and everything. They canceled the races tonight.

For me, well I have another best friend now. He is awesome. Very sweet and we talk about everything and anything. I told him about this guy that I have been hanging out with. Let's call him S. Well S found out I have fallen in love with him. I had hung out with him today. It was fun. But something kind of happened. Anyway, I want to ask S what he feels for me. But I am guessing he would say Idk or probably something else that will break me.

I know I shouldn't fall in love. Yet I fucking do. I hate my heart. I hate how I fall in love easily. I just want to block all my emotions. Yes, therapy has helped. But not much. On the inside, I am still the girl who wants to just lay down, cry my eyes out and sleep. I still am scared of things. I bottle everything up because I don't talk much.

But that is life for me.

Anyway, have a wonderful day/night.

Until Next Time

July 8, 2017

So, yesterday I had to get a birth control shot and get my blood taken. She tried first on my left arm at my elbow, I wouldn't bleed. Then she tried on my right arm same place and still didn't bleed. Then finally she did my right hand. It hurt worse than my arms. And as soon as she was done, I had a bad reaction. My hand swelled and bruised where she did it and I also felt extremely sick.

I am so happy I have my best friend in my life. Let's call him D. He makes my days/nights so much more interesting. He helps me when I am down, and I him. He even calls my three kittens evil ones. It makes me smile when he says that.

Today my father is going to race. I bet my mom a cupcake that he will throw up before he races. Originally he was supposed to race two weeks before but they canceled it. But the next day he went to practice. I am debating whether I should go or not. I want to but then my father's friends annoy me so much and I want to punch them.

School is somewhat easy, I do get sometimes where I get annoyed and frustrated but otherwise, it is fine.

I hope you all have a wonderful day/night

July 8, 2017 4:31 Am

I may have ruined what I have with D.

How can I be so stupid sometimes. I don't know why I try anymore, to find friends, to be happy. I should just do what I know. Get through school, work on art, stay in my room. It is hard for me to be happy. I know I sound like a typical girl but honestly I have high anxiety and depression. I hide them away from people so no one sees it. I hide most of myself away from everyone. That way I don't get hurt, or bullied or other things.

Yes I have a family. Sometimes they love me other times they wish I was never born. Most of the time I wish I was never born. Thinking people would be happier with me gone. I don't tell anyone that I think bad thoughts. My therapist, he helps me get out what happens with my family for that month, week or day. I know how I have come to have the high depression and anxiety. It is because of what happened in my past. It doesn't stop sometimes. My depression won't go away nor will my anxiety. They are here to stay. I can push them away at times but they are still there.

I don't know how to stay happy really, I try. I love my three kittens. They all make me feel loved sometimes. Other times I just want to cry and sleep that's it. When they lay next to me and cuddle me I start getting sleepy again because I relax with them.

Maybe I am supposed to be alone forever. I don't believe in God. I'm Wicca.

That would be cruel. The one who always helps others before her, who pushes what ever is happening in her life to help her friends. The one thing she wants is to be loved by someone. Truly loved. Will never happen.

Some may think I am to young to know what love is. I have been through a lot. I know what love is, I also know what pain, heartbreak, and many other things are.

But whatever, maybe I should really just stay in my room and barely talk to new people or anyone.

Have a nice night/day to whoever reads my pathetic blogs.

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Journal (June 15-July 8, 2017)
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