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Journal (May 9 - June 9)

Year: 2018, May 9 - June 9

May 9, 2018

So, I got a job at Sonic. I am so happy that I have a job. It means I will be able to help D more and be able to actually get things I need. I miss D though. Since I have a job, I can only go see him when I have days off. I can't go over and see him for two weeks like I want to. It is so hard to not see him. I relax fully when I am with him. I sleep so much easier with him.

I still can't watch movies fully at home. I haven't had the urge to watch them unless I am with him. I like watching movies with him. D makes me so very happy. He helps the bad go away.

I am always smiling when I am with him or even messaging him. I hope that I make him happy. I try to. I want him happy. I don't like that he puts himself down. I know at times that he does get low because he gets triggered. But I still love him and will always love him no matter what.

May 31, 2018

Work is fun for me. I actually love my job. I realized I have known D for a little over a year now. I think that is so cool. I have loved him for over a year now. I still have this hope that maybe one day he would fall in love with me. But... I highly doubt it. I am not good enough. I will never be good enough to be loved. I will never be good enough to be kissed or cuddled, or to hold hands. I know he is still healing. I hope I am helping him heal. I never want to push him to do something he doesn't want to do. I have started to close myself off little by little, hoping he doesn't realize it. It is the only way to make sure that I am always there for him and for him to not be worrying about me. I am not important. I know this in my heart, head and soul. I will never be important. He is my everything and I want to help him get better, and to make sure he is happy and feels loved. I don't know why he cares about me when he shouldn't. I don't want to cause him any more trouble or to bother him. But it seems that is all I do. Hell, VV makes me feel like I shouldn't be here at times. So I decided to go back to how I was before, keeping everything bottled up and away.

June 9, 2018

I'm scared. I am scared I will never be loved. I am scared that I am gonna get hurt. I am scared that my heart is going to be broken again. I am scared that all I do would be thrown away. I am scared that I am not good enough. I am scared that I am never worthy. I am scared I am gonna fuck everything up somehow. I am scared that I am gonna lose him and become worse then I was. I am scared that I am pushing him into doing things he doesn't want. I am scared that I am hurting him and causing him sadness. I so so scared. I am scared that he may find someone way better than me, someone smarter, prettier, skinnier.

I don't want to be hurt. I am scared of being hurt. I cry every three nights, because I am scared because I am not worthy because I am not worth it. I want to be loved, truly. It may never happen for me. No matter how much I want to be loved. I am not worthy of it. I am just nothing. I don't deserve to be cared about. I don't deserve happiness.

I am sorry for everything.

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Journal (May 9 - June 9)
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