Journal (Oct. 24 - Nov. 5, 2017)
Oct. 24, 2017 - Nov. 5, 2017
Oct. 24, 2017
It has been a month since I have seen D. I have been having a lot more nightmares lately. I miss him. It is hard to sleep without him near. Usually, I fall asleep much faster with him near. I know I sound needy but in truth, he helps me without realizing it.
Even him being near me helps me a lot. Right now he and his family are packing. They got a new house.
I hope they move in before Halloween. I am supposed to go spend Halloween with him. I hope I still can. Hopefully, soon I can spend at least a week with him. I just want to cry sometimes because I got used to waking up and seeing him next to me.
But I haven't been able to for a month, and I almost start to cry.
Oct. 25, 2017
Why do I cause trouble? I always bother him and cause him trouble.
I always feel as if I am always bothering him.
I don't want to cause him trouble or anything bad.
He is so sweet to me.
I think he is amazing.
I can't wait 'til Halloween. Although I think he is going to try to scare me, I wouldn't mind.
I have to stop being clingy. I need to push more of me back. He doesn't realize I take everything in and at times it hurts me. So I push it back.
Nov. 1, 2017
I feel very happy. I am finally spending time with D. Yesterday for Halloween I had fun. I went trick-or-treating with D, VV, her friend, and Jason. I didn't go up to the doors to get candy.
My anxiety was acting up very badly... I almost started to cry. I haven't told him, though.
And they say that I can get some candy but I am too fat already.
I am happy with D. I missed him so much. But I keep getting low randomly. I want to talk to him about it, but he is busy or spending time with his family. I don't want to bother him.
I do that already. and I feel bad.
Nov 4, 2017
5:20 PM
I really just wish to spend more time with D. Just me and him. But I won't ask him for that. He is busy a lot. I don't want to bother him.
Today I know my depressive side has come out more. Maybe I should go home. But I want to spend time with D. But since I have been here, it hasn't been much, except for Halloween but even then we had others with us.
I know I sound clingy. I will stop that. I have to stop that. So that means I also have to stop feeling.
What's new, though? D had his mother bring me a thing of noodles.
I'm not hungry. I don't want to eat.
7:41 PM
I keep thinking a lot. Which is bad sometimes. It all depends on what you are feeling though. Right now, my stomach is hurting because I haven't eaten much. Just a protein bar and a thing of crackers. I don't feel like eating though. Just because I am depressed. I know, stupid reason. Maybe I am just stupid in general.
Nov. 5, 2017
I want to tell D how I am feeling. But I am not important so I don't tell him.
I feel sad, unwanted, at times lonely. I feel as if I bother people as if I am a troublemaker.
I can't tell him. He shouldn't worry about me.
I love him. I do. But lately, I have been thinking bad things about myself.
I am unworthy of love. I don't deserve happiness. I am nothing. I shouldn't be alive. Etc.
It gets worse at certain times. But he doesn't notice. At least I hope he doesn't notice.
About the Creator
Jasmin Eddy
I am 20 years old. I may seem young but I have a lot of my mind. Life happens. Why not write about it.
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