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Journal (Oct. 24 - Nov. 5, 2017)

Oct. 24, 2017 - Nov. 5, 2017

By Jasmin EddyPublished 5 years ago 3 min read
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Oct. 24, 2017

It has been a month since I have seen D. I have been having a lot more nightmares lately. I miss him. It is hard to sleep without him near. Usually, I fall asleep much faster with him near. I know I sound needy but in truth, he helps me without realizing it.

Even him being near me helps me a lot. Right now he and his family are packing. They got a new house.

I hope they move in before Halloween. I am supposed to go spend Halloween with him. I hope I still can. Hopefully, soon I can spend at least a week with him. I just want to cry sometimes because I got used to waking up and seeing him next to me.

But I haven't been able to for a month, and I almost start to cry.

Oct. 25, 2017

Why do I cause trouble? I always bother him and cause him trouble.

I always feel as if I am always bothering him.

I don't want to cause him trouble or anything bad.

He is so sweet to me.

I think he is amazing.

I can't wait 'til Halloween. Although I think he is going to try to scare me, I wouldn't mind.

I have to stop being clingy. I need to push more of me back. He doesn't realize I take everything in and at times it hurts me. So I push it back.

Nov. 1, 2017

I feel very happy. I am finally spending time with D. Yesterday for Halloween I had fun. I went trick-or-treating with D, VV, her friend, and Jason. I didn't go up to the doors to get candy.

My anxiety was acting up very badly... I almost started to cry. I haven't told him, though.

And they say that I can get some candy but I am too fat already.

I am happy with D. I missed him so much. But I keep getting low randomly. I want to talk to him about it, but he is busy or spending time with his family. I don't want to bother him.

I do that already. and I feel bad.

Nov 4, 2017

5:20 PM

I really just wish to spend more time with D. Just me and him. But I won't ask him for that. He is busy a lot. I don't want to bother him.

Today I know my depressive side has come out more. Maybe I should go home. But I want to spend time with D. But since I have been here, it hasn't been much, except for Halloween but even then we had others with us.

I know I sound clingy. I will stop that. I have to stop that. So that means I also have to stop feeling.

What's new, though? D had his mother bring me a thing of noodles.

I'm not hungry. I don't want to eat.

7:41 PM

I keep thinking a lot. Which is bad sometimes. It all depends on what you are feeling though. Right now, my stomach is hurting because I haven't eaten much. Just a protein bar and a thing of crackers. I don't feel like eating though. Just because I am depressed. I know, stupid reason. Maybe I am just stupid in general.

Nov. 5, 2017

I want to tell D how I am feeling. But I am not important so I don't tell him.

I feel sad, unwanted, at times lonely. I feel as if I bother people as if I am a troublemaker.

I can't tell him. He shouldn't worry about me.

I love him. I do. But lately, I have been thinking bad things about myself.

I am unworthy of love. I don't deserve happiness. I am nothing. I shouldn't be alive. Etc.

It gets worse at certain times. But he doesn't notice. At least I hope he doesn't notice.

humanity
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About the Creator

Jasmin Eddy

I am 20 years old. I may seem young but I have a lot of my mind. Life happens. Why not write about it.

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