Journal (October 21, 2016 - October 28, 2016)

October 21, 2016

So lately I have been thinking. Some bad things, some good things. Some are fears of mine and some are dreams of mine.

Like a fear I have been having lately is that what if this is all a dream. What if one day my boyfriend realizes that he wants to go back to his ex-wife. What if he tells me he never really did love me, that he was just using me. It goes around and around in my head, I can't tell him because I am afraid it may be true and if it isn't true, then it can hurt him.

My dreams are usually the same they have been, I still want to be a singer, but I have stage fright. To me my voice sucks and that I need to work on it more. But I still haven't lost the dream of becoming a singer.

I still draw a lot, but right now I haven't because I am so stressed and tired.

My mind always has a million and one things going through it. This blog is the only way I can get all of it out in one place. To be honest, I know some people think this blog sucks. But I didn't create it for them, I created it so I can get things off my chest, and so if someone is going through the same thing, then they know they are not alone.

October 27, 2016

Im scared. Yesterday he broke up with me, then we got back together. A line keeps running throw my head right now, "if he can leave you once, he can leave you again."

I don't want that to happen. I love him. I don't know what to do. I feel like we are starting to drift apart. I'm trying to not do anything to make him mad or sad but we have barely talked all day. My mind keeps thinking that what if he back with his ex wife, what if he is ignoring me because of that. I am gonna help him get his son from the state.

After all, his son is the only thing he has. Makes me feel like I really do mean nothing to him. But his son should come before me. Just like everything else in his life. I love him so much though. I hope he knows that.

October 28, 2016

At 7:52 AM, I get a text saying, "Look I'm sorry for what I'm about to say but I need to say it. You are a major distraction for me and right now I can't have any distractions. I'm going to have to end our relationship because of the fact I need to focus on school and fixing myself as a person. What I'm saying right now I am not ready for a relationship. I'm sorry."

Yeah he broke up with me, I am in tears. I loved him and I understand but if he wasn't fucking ready for a relationship, then he shouldn't have dated me. I hope he gets his son from the state, I hope he finds someone he does love. I am hurt yes, but I will be the bigger person.

October 28, 2016 Part 2

Is it sad that I blocked my emotions? That way I don't break down and cry. So I can focus on making sure everyone else is happy.

Is it sad that I still love him? I don't think I will ever stop loving him, though I know I should.

Is it sad that I just wanna lay in bed and sleep? To forget everything? To make it where my heart stops feeling.

The truth? That is overrated. I start to think what if all the things he told me is a lie. I start to wonder maybe I should become mute. I mean will anyone even care? Will anyone even notice?

My heart? Don't worry about it. I don't have one anymore. It's gone, broken into a million pieces. I can't ever get it back.

My happiness? That is gone too. Now the darkness will take over, so back to the old me. Barely there, just a shadow. Nobody notice's, nobody cares.

I hope he is happy, now that I am broken and too far to come back. I hope it made him smile with glee by tearing my world apart.