Journal (Sept. 30 - Oct. 21, 2017)

Sep 30, 2017

I may have just ruined what D and I have. Fuck, I am such an idiot. I haven't gotten my birth control shot yet. In my body I have more testosterone, so taking the shot helps me get my hormones. Without it, my emotions go all over.

I don't want to lose him. I just may have though. He is my light. Without him, I would be sleeping more, I would be how I used to be. I don't want to be that girl again.

I just want him. But no I had to fuck it up being the stupid ass I am.

Maybe I should hit my head against the wall. Teach me a lesson.

I am afraid that if I lose him, I won't be able to come back if I go to my old self.

I actually am in love with him. I picture the future and I see him in it.

I am such a idiot. He is an amazing person. He actually cares about me. He treats me as if I am human. He worries about me. He is funny. When he plays his game and yells at the TV, I laugh and tell him, "Love, it is just a game. They can't hear you."

I watch him a lot, because it is interesting. Seeing him cook, seeing him concentrate on something.

I try to see if I can see his emotions through his eyes. Sometimes I can see it. Other times I can't. I want to be there for him and help him. I don't want to leave him. He is everything to me.

I just hope with all my heart that he lets me stay in his life and that we talk to each other. But if not, I would understand.

0ct 13, 2017

I want to talk with D about different things. But sometimes it seems he just brushes it off. And when I start talking about how I am feeling, it seems he doesn't know how to handle it. I don't want to be a bother to him yet I know I am. I love him. He shouldn't be caring about me. I don't deserve it.

My father is being a drama queen a lot and keeps making everything about him yet again. I just wish my mom would divorce him and leave him. But we can't leave the cats. We love them a lot.

I created this blog to help me get things off of my chest. It works sometimes but other times it doesn't. And I just need someone to talk to about it. I bother D to much already.

I have a job interview tomorrow. I hope I get the job so I can get out of the house. It's part time. But it will help either way.

Happy Friday the 13th, everyone.

Oct 21, 2017

Today is the zombie walk. My mother and sister are going. I don't see the point in it. Last year around this time my ex and I were kind of in a rough place. Then soon after we broke up. More like he broke up with me.

I don't love him anymore. I got over him after a couple months. Moved on. It is just the memories are so annoying.

And then D hasn't talked to me since early this morning. So now I am feeling rejected. I don't even have energy today. I just want to stay in bed and that is it.

There is less than 1 and a half weeks until halloween. Until I can see D again. I can't wait. I am bouncing in my seat.

I still have to figure out how to do my makeup. I got new wings for my costume. Kind of ruined my old wings. I had D choose the shirt I am wearing. I am nervous though. I try and look nice and dress up sometimes to impress him. Hasn't worked. Maybe I am a failure.