Journey of Falling In and Out of Love

Relationships, love, intimacy, and sex are concepts that have always been just words with little to no meaning to me. I had no interest, no desire to fall in love with another person letting them into my life, into my heart, or into my bed. I always thought that perhaps something was wrong with me. In high school I often felt like the odd one out. While everyone around me would be changing partners more often than they probably changed their clothes, there was me at home, my face deep in a good book getting lost in a story that wasn't my own, going on imaginary adventures I'd actually never live. But in reality, there wasn't anything wrong with me. I just learned some very hard lessons very early on in life, and I think those lessons shaped my thoughts on how relationships should be, and why I waited so long to take those steps into the journey of love.

The lessons were lessons no child should have to learn about their parents or see them go through. Yet it was a lesson many children have learned. They would witness relationships that were dark, loud, and abusive and it truly is hard watching the people who were supposed to love you and love each other go through their own personal hell day in and day out. I never understood why my mother stayed. Some people just aren't meant to be together. Sometimes it's just better to let it all go.

Eventually, that's what my parents did, and today my mom and dad have a really good civil relationship. They aren't best friends by all means, but they are much happier this way than they ever were when they were together. Do I believe they were in love once? Yes, of course, I think they were in love. But things and time changes and you can fall out of love just as easily, it's just hard sometimes getting to that point.

I never knew how powerful love could be, what all you would be willing to go through just because you loved another person that much! The situation always gets harder as well when there are children involved. I know that is the reason my parents tried as hard as they did. You never know the exact situation someone is in, or how they feel when they decide to stay, or give the same guy or girl yet another chance. I just knew I never wanted any of it. I was afraid of it. I knew better, and if I had any say I would never be in a relationship. I would never end up in that type of situation. I didn't want to fall in love...

The first 23 years of my life, that is. The 24th year of my life, my eyes have really opened wide to love. I'm not ashamed of how long it took me to get to this point. I opened myself up to every situation I put myself in on my own terms. I knew what I wanted and I eased into it. There was heartbreak, there were tears. But through the heartbreak and through the tears I learned that I was actually capable of love. Strong love. I also learned that when that love crumbles apart, I can pick up the pieces and put myself together again, becoming stronger than what I was before.

I guess what I am saying is, no matter the situation, never feel guilty for wanting to do things your own way when you are ready. Listen to your own mind, and your own heart; it will tell you when you are ready.