Judging Makes You Blind

Just after we arrived to the bar and got our first round, my friends and I proceeded to the dance floor as we stood in a closed off circle. It was early in the night and the vibe was off due to the lack of people and energy in the room. As we half-assed danced and made small talk amongst our tight knit group, a random girl in a Tigger onesie approached us dancing like a quote on quote crazy person. She was ethnic, a little heavier than average with her onesie half on and tied around her waste revealing some type of bra/shirt. As she danced and acted outside of the "accepted" bar behavior, intruding our bubble and sticking around for an awkward length of time, we all looked at each other questioning what on earth was going on. I saw the judgement on my friends' faces as we all waited for her to move on to the next, but she didn’t. She stuck around making crazy faces, flailing her arms and body as if she had been dared to embarrass herself. Welcoming us to join in, but not phased that we weren’t. I felt the judgment come over me, yet something happened that is a true testament to my recent self work and growth; I challenged myself in that very moment. I asked myself, “why is my immediate reaction to judge someone instantly, only knowing about her that she clearly does not give a fuck what we think about her?” I needed to know more. A curiosity washed over me as I realized I could never do what she was doing, so I said, “Hey, are you on some type of drugs or do you just not care what anyone thinks?” A smile filled her face, and through her eyes I realized she was completely clear, present, and sober. Her answer was profound. She told me she was questioning life. She had lost two close friends in the past week to drugs and suicide, and she just couldn’t bear to take life seriously any longer. She told me about all the people she has lost throughout her life and her own near death experience. She had battled such depression that it led her to finally give up and down a bottle of prescription pills. As she lay there on her bed, body limp and lifeless, her consciousness was still playing a part. A figure arose in front of her. It appeared as the devil, but in time she realized it was none other than her own self staring back at her. It was the self she pegged as the failure, a loser, the version of herself that lacked all strength and power. This version laughed in her face, taunting her, repeating “HA HA, you gave up.” She realized in that moment she had succumbed to the darkest part of herself; she let it win and in turn gave up the experience of life that she was given. She fought, she resisted, she ultimately decided she would not go out this way. She will not give IN to the negativity and pressure of life that brought her to the point of utter hopelessness.

She decided that she was going to take life by the balls, enjoying every second and connecting with all beings. Because in the grand scheme of things, the truth is that she really has no power over anything. She has no power over who comes and leaves her life, or even if her own life is to continue or end tomorrow; the only thing she has power over is right now. She told me that there is no guarantee, so she is going to dance how she wants, act how she wants, and ultimately love how she wants. She told me that I was a human being, and just because we’ve never met in this life doesn’t mean she can’t embrace and connect with me like she can her own sister. She told me she LOVED me, that we are all one, and she meant it. I asked her if she came to the bar alone. She told me that she came with friends, but prefers go off and embrace new people. I asked her how? How do you go out and approach random faces with such sureness and wholeness? I told her I could never do this. She asked me WHY, what are you afraid of? I said rejection. She said by who? I said everyone. Her eyebrows wrinkled, she asked is it everyone, or yourself? I told her she was amazing and inspiring, and she told me “I’m just a reflection of you.” Chills.

She had approached US: a group of white girls, very much closed off who could have easily been perceived as bitchy and stuck up. She did not care for she loved herself, and in turn loved us. She did not judge us, or assume how we would react to her. She simply acted on love and impulse, with no attachment to the outcome of her approach. She told me whether we had embraced her back or not, it did not matter. I felt accepted and seen more from this “stranger” than I have by many of my loved ones. Because she had no pre-judgments about me, and loved unconditionally no matter my response. I could have told her to fuck off, and her opinion would not change about me. I was a human being, a soul. She was full of love, and in turn brought out the love in me.

Later in the night when I found her to say goodbye, she hugged me for what felt like an eternity. It was not only heart to heart but soul to soul. It was an awakening to true unconditional love, and her energy spoke to me more than her words did. Her essence embraced me and brought me true clarity of what this life should look like: love and connection. Why is there anything else, why do I spend a moment of my time entertaining anything else than love? Love is the only thing that's real, and the only thing that truly matters. I didn’t even know this woman’s name, yet I felt her heart fill a hole in mine that had been empty for so long. It was true vulnerability and intimacy, in the most innocent way. It was soul to soul connection, a moment I will remember every time I have the urge to judge the embodiment of the unknown.