June 1st, 2018

Dear Catherine,

Today is June 1st, 2018. I am 19 years one month and 21 days old. This is a special day because it is the first day of Pride Month. Now you might be wondering what Pride Month is. I will tell you why this month is so special. Pride Month is a month to celebrate the LGBTQ+ community. That is, the community of gay, lesbian, bisexual, pansexual, asexual, queer, transgender, non-binary genders, demi-sexual, aromantic, pan-romantic, and more. There’s a lot more to it than that, but you probably don’t even understand all those words yet. I'm also not pretending to know everything about this because I am still learning about it myself, but I will learn more. The reason I'm telling you about Pride Month is because this is the first year it came around where I was sure I wasn’t straight which is saying, I might be gay or bisexual. This is perfectly okay, of course. At this point, I'm still figuring things out, but I know that I belong to this community.

The only thing is, I’m still in the closet. I haven’t come out yet. No one else knows I might be gay or bisexual. I feel kind of isolated because its 20gayteen, and people are so much more accepting. They celebrate who they are, and they don’t let other people tell them it’s wrong. It’s a beautiful time to live in, but its also cruel. Because I want to feel that pride and show it, but, if I'm being honest, I have no friends. Which sometimes sucks, but I’ve learned to get through it. I also still haven’t had a relationship or your first kiss, but that’s okay too. I know that being gay used to be considered wrong because of church, but the church has changed too. You can still love God and be gay. That’s not a problem people should have to worry about anymore.

So, you might ask, why have I not come out yet if it’s a great time to be gay? Well, the problem is, that as great as it is, there are still people who don’t like it. People who want to hurt this community because they think its wrong, and they want everyone to know it. They have done unspeakable things in the name of what they believe, and they have hurt many. There are parts of the world where being gay is taboo, and people die because of it. But this won’t directly hurt me. So, what is the problem? I’m scared. Scared because I don’t even understand who I am. How am I supposed to tell other people if I don’t know? And, how will they react when I do? I’m scared of everything changing. I’m scared because even though I think I fully accepted myself, I am scared of what other people’s opinions will do to me. I might think I don’t care what they think, but I do. I care almost too much at times. It hurts because thinking so much about other people reminds me how lonely I am, but I’ll make it through.

Sincerely,

Me

P.S. I realized this letter never finished explaining why I haven’t come out yet, and if I will. Truthfully, I am scared because I'm not good with talking about those things, but I do want to come out soon. I just don’t know when. I also don't know what label really fits me. I don't know if I like just girls or girls and guys, and I want to know that before I ever come out.