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Just Leave...

My Personal Tale of an Abusive Relationship

I'm not much of a writer... 

But I wanted to share my story. Hopefully it may relate to someone who might see themselves in my story and give them courage. It might also help me realise that I'm not the only one that has gone through something like this.

Lets call him Noel.

I met Noel just before Christmas at Winter Wonderland (I know, romantic right) back in 2014. He was a cousin of my now ex best mate's boyfriend. He stood out right away, he was dressed all in black, very gothic, he was a bit of me. I'm not normally like this but I went straight up to him and dragged him on every ride with me. We got on like a house on fire, I'd never experienced such a connection. Noel convinced my friend to convince me to sleep over the night with everyone else so we could spend more time together. I should have just gone home and watched the programme about The late great Rik Mayall....

The Rik Mayall

....but I didn't. 

We went to a pub, danced together and shared a sofa and a kiss. Ten days later he asked me to be his girlfriend.

It was all super quick but we liked the same music, we liked the same bands, we liked the same clothes... ironic as the one musician we did not agree upon was Springsteen. I mean who doesn't like Springsteen???

I digress...

We also had the same humor and he thought I was beautiful, not hot, beautiful! I'm explaining how we met as its important to know how quick it all was but also how much we did get on to start with. If I had, however, spent more time getting to know him a lot better before taking it further, well truth is I don't think I would have. 

LESSON ONE! DO NOT RUSH!

No one ever shows their true colours for the first couple of months. 

I should state this isn't a tale of physical abuse but of mental abuse. You know that saying "Sticks and stones may brake my bones but words will never hurt me." BULLSHIT - words hurt more than physical pain! I know it sounds stupid but its soooo true, they scar you and tear you apart and its worse than physical scars because you can't see them and no one believes you.

First, a bit more about myself. I have OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) and anxiety. This can make me think very irrationally and get very worried about things. I fixate on small problems and they can get blown out of proportion, this has always created certain difficulties concerning relationships as I'm sure you can appreciate. Over the years, I have sought help with it and have got it at a more manageable place but its still always there, fighting me every day. It can become so tiring. So imagine a partner who is supposed to love you and care for you learn what triggers your OCD and anxiety and then play upon them. On purpose. To make you suffer and then call you crazy and mental, blaming every explosive argument on you when it was him pouring fuel on the flame in the first place! How twisted do you have to be to hurt someone like this that you are meant to love?

Because of my OCD, it is also in my nature to want to fix things all the time, to make things better and I rarely give up. So I also always caved and said sorry to try and stop the argument knowing I hadn't done anything wrong.

Warning Signs;

  1. He was right about everything; all the time
  2. Opinionated; again his opinion was the only right one, even if you KNEW he was wrong!
  3. Loved to argue; he actually enjoyed it, he knew he was more articulate than myself so he could always 'win' arguments.
  4. Showed a fear of commitment; don't know how many times he got scared about one thing or another and tried to end our relationship and I blindly convinced him otherwise.

I'm going to come off as a bit of a stupid, love struck puppy in all of this and to be honest its true! I was an absolute fucking idiot for the whole three year relationship! But the truth is I couldn't see what it was really like while I was in it, love allows you to put up with a lot more crap and turns you in to a fool. Not always in a bad way but it does open you up to get hurt because you open yourself up and expose yourself to someone, you allow yourself to be vulnerable. You just have to hope they don't take advantage of this. I got unlucky.

So with the previous warnings signs, yes I guess they are just personality traits, but they aren't the best to have! When I used to try and say why I loved him, trying to convince myself still —I couldn't!! I could not describe what I loved about him, I just did. I certainly didn't love him for his love of arguments, his want to prove me wrong and make me feel stupid and useless!! They are warning signs because someone who is opinionated and always have to be right well they tend to also be very selfish and self centered and their opinions will hurt you.

It was more how he projected his personality on to me and manipulated me. He was always right therefore I was always wrong and he got me to believe this too. He was so sure he had me wrapped around his little finger that he could say anything and do anything to me with no consequences. And I'm ashamed to say he was right but he had me so scared to express myself and tell him you're wrong and I'm right just this once! Scared to tell him that what he had done had upset and hurt me because he made me believe I was overreacting all the time at every little thing he did. It was always my OCD, could never be he actually had done something hurt me. Or there was the "Stop being so fucking needy!" that he liked to use a lot. But if I did ever say anything 9/10 times it would always cause a stupid, massive row  or he would threaten to break up with me, I was walking over egg shells constantly, never knowing what would set him off on me. 

In the end, he had me doubting everything I felt, he put me down so much he made me believe that I really was just so stupid. He even told me he thought he was so much smarter than me. He actually said those words! He made my OCD a hundred times worse and he took all of my confidence and crushed it. I had no confidence to believe I could be alright on my own and to leave him. He put me down so much that I thought I was lucky he put up with me and no one else ever will so I need to stay with him

This is what mental abuse is; you're the one in the wrong, you're to blame— not them even though they make you feel like it in the first place. They get away scot-free and you're crying yourself to sleep while they aren't even thinking about you. This is why people stay in abusive relationships, it's not as easy as "Just leave them..."

But you must!! You are so much better off on your own, I know how terrifying the thought is but it's not that scary in the end. At the end of my relationship I didn't really love him anymore and I'd been doubting it for a long time before that and I didn't even see a future with him! I was just scared to be alone, it hasn't been easy since I've had other struggles and issues but on my most miserable days I know I could still be a lot more miserable if I were still with Noel and well that says everything doesn't it?

Breaking up with me was the nicest thing he ever did for me.

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