Just One More Night

It's Tuesday night and I'm sitting on my couch, home alone, watching a rerun of my favorite TV show. There's coffee on my side table and cookies & cream ice cream in my lap. My legs are curbed to the side with a blanket tucked around them, my phone facedown on top. I feel the vibration almost instantly and reach down to see what's caused it. It's a text from him. He who I haven't spoken to in at least a year, if not more. He who broke my heart and moved in with his pretty new girlfriend. He who broke through all my walls, just to be the reason I built them back up, stronger. I decide to ignore it. I'm not going to let whatever is in that message ruin my perfectly good evening alone. A minute later, I feel the vibration again, and yet again, I ignore it. This final time, the buzzing does not stop, and I realize he's calling me. I decide to answer the phone. I take a deep breath and swipe the bar across the screen to answer the call.

We greet each other briefly and I ask why he's calling me. He says he's in the area and wants to meet up with me. I hesitate, unsure of what to say. Do I want to see him? My heart flutters just thinking about seeing his face. He asks me if I'm still on the phone. Apparently I've gone radio silent for too long. I finally respond with a yes and tell him to come over. I don't think I could ever tell him no. We hang up and I sit frozen for a few minutes. No longer am I paying attention to what is on the TV. My thoughts are racing a million miles a minute. What does he want? What is he going to look like? Should I get out of my pajamas? Does his girlfriend know he's here? Is he even still dating that girl? I get up to at least change my shirt and brush my hair.

About 30 minutes later, I hear the doorbell ring from my bathroom. I take one last quick look in the mirror before heading down the stairs. I went casual. I didn't want to look like I tried too hard, but I also didn't want to look a complete mess, either. I walk down the stairs, careful to look around the wall that hides the door to see who it is. My heart is beating on overdrive and breathing seems down right impossible right now. I place my feet on the ground and walk towards the door. As I open it, the breeze curls around the corner and his fresh scent and masculine smell travel with it, almost knocking me out. I fully open the door, careful not to look into his eyes. He steps in past me, removing his shoes as he does. He remembered. I shut the door behind me, still having no courage to look at him. He walks straight into my living room, obviously making himself at home. I'm silent, unable to speak just yet. I follow him and sit back in my spot, and he takes up the chair next to me. He sits there silent, too, but I can feel his eyes on me. I finally look up and our eyes meet. The intensity of his stare scares me a little bit. What in the world is he doing here? In my living room, of all places?! He opens his mouth to say something, but quickly shuts it. I muster up the courage to say something, but all I can ask him is why he is here and what he wants. My tone is not the nicest, but I can't really help it. This man ruined my life and broke my heart, he doesn't exactly deserve my kindness. He continues to stare at me in silence, not answering my questions.

A few minutes go by before I eventually get up and go to my kitchen. I can't handle the tense, uncomfortable air that is suffocating me in that room, but he follows me, of course. I pour myself a glass of wine. Maybe this will help calm my nerves. I take a long sip, my eyes never leaving his as I do. He breathes deep and finally speaks. I'm getting a brief synopsis of his life in the last year. He got a new job, moved to a big city with his beautiful girlfriend. He's a little thinner than I last saw him, says he's been watching what he eats and has been spending more time at the gym. We chit chat about our lives, giving each other little snippets about what's happened in the last year. I tell him I got a new job too and that I went back to school. I've been out on a few dates, but nothing has stuck though. Then we go silent again, unsure of what to keep saying. The air is thick with awkwardness. He opens his mouth, only to close it again. The look on his face has me assuming he's trying to figure out how to explain to me why he's here. Finally he speaks...

He misses me, misses our friendship, misses our late night talks, misses being in my bed. He reminisces about all the fun we used to have, smiling occasionally at a fond memory going through his head. Every feeling, emotion, and memory is being brought up. He's so sorry that we went to war so much. He wishes he could take it all back. He takes a step closer to me reaching out his hand to gently trace my face. I shy away from his touch. He can't come near me, because everything he's saying is how I've been feeling for over a year now, so if he comes any closer to me I might break. Oh, how I've longed for him to say these things to me. Many a dream, thought, and night I've waited for this day. For him to show up on my doorstep and tell me the things I've been dying to hear. Now it's here and I have no clue what to do. I hear him calling my name over and over. I shake my head to help come out of my trance. I don't know what to say to all of that. What am I supposed to say? Why yes, I've missed all this too, welcome back to my life? NO. He broke my heart I can't let him back in just like that. But I could have just one more night with him. Maybe? The thought has crossed my mind a lot, too. Would it be so wrong to have one more night? A closure night.

He won't stop staring at me, maybe hoping that I will say something in return to his confession. I literally have no words for him, so I just stare back. I take another long gulp of my wine. I lick the corner of my lip to catch the stray drop. He watches me as I do so. The creases in his forehead pushing together as if he’s struggling with what to do next. I take a deep breath and open my mouth to speak. I don't even get a word out before he’s rushing towards me and his mouth crushes against mine, our tongues molding together. I can't even fathom stopping him. This feeling is too good for me to stop. But the warning alarm in my brain is blaring! I open my eyes and shove him away from me. I can't do this. My chest is constricting and I think I'm having a panic attack. I stare into his eyes, lightly touch my lips where his just were and then pause before I thrust myself back at him. He wraps his arms around my waist tightly, afraid I might push him away again. He's not going to let me though. His hands move to my lower back to draw me in closer, deepening our kiss as he does. He lifts me up onto the counter and I wrap my legs around his waist. I grasp his arms to brace myself, and I notice they've gotten a little firmer since I last saw him. I really can't stop now. I begin unbuttoning his shirt, eager to see the chest I spent many nights fast asleep on. I break our kiss momentarily and hop off the counter and lead him upstairs towards my bedroom. I'll finish removing his clothes once I'm upstairs, away from my wall of windows. We fall onto the bed, never breaking lips. We tear each other's clothes off in haste, trying to get as much skin on skin as possible. He nibbles on my ear and trails his tongue down neck to softly kiss and suck on the spot where my neck meets my collar bone. Of course he remembered what that does to me. His hands trail down my body, eager to touch every inch of me. My hands follow in suit, eager to feel him too. For the next couple hours we do nothing but savor each other's touch, reveling in the feeling that had been missing from our lives for so long.

He collapses beside me, one arm around me, the other draped across his chest. I'm curled under his arm, tucked nicely up against him. My favorite spot. Our breathing slows down and matches in perfect rhythm. I close my eyes and breathe in his scent, savoring the feeling of being back in his arms. The feeling doesn't last long before I sigh deeply and push myself off his chest. I stumble to the bathroom, seeing as my legs are practically numb from sensation. I turn my shower knob from icy cold to steaming hot, pull back the curtain and step under the spray. Closing my eyes, I step fully under the water letting it beat down on my sore muscles. I stand there for several minutes before I hear the curtain pull back, and feel warm hands around my waist. He kisses the top of my spine on my back and trails his lips down my shoulder. I turn to face him and we stand under the cascading water for what seems like an hour.

After towel drying and putting some fresh clothes on, we crawl back into my bed, and tangle our limbs together. We lay silent until the the first ray of sunlight seeps through my blinds. I realize my one night is almost over. And he does, too, because he tips my head back to stare into my eyes. Into my soul, it seems. He lightly kisses my nose and then my lips, before crawling out of bed to fully dress himself. I follow his lead and pull a sweater over my head. We go downstairs, him to the door and me to the kitchen. I start a fresh pot of coffee. There's no way I'm going to be able to go back to sleep now. When I make it over to the door he already has his shoes on. He smiles softly at me and holds out his hand for me. I half smile back at him and take his hand. He pulls me into a hug and we stand there holding each other for a few minutes. I break away and look up at him.

I didn't realize how much I needed him until this very moment, when he's about to leave me again. This time for good, though. I needed this night; a closure night. I'll never forget it, and maybe he won't either. We won't see each other again. He won't randomly call me, and I certainly won't answer. I might even block his number and remove him from my social media. I don't think I can see his happiness. At least not until I've found my own.

I walk around him and open the door open. As he walks past me, his hand runs down my arm to meet my hand. He intertwines his fingers with mine and playfully swings my arm back and forth. He treats me with one last smile, kisses my cheek, and then he turns around and walks to his car. I watch as he backs out of my driveway and down the hill. His car turns around the corner and out of my life for good...

I needed this, and I'm grateful I had it. All I needed was one more night, and that's exactly what I got.