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Karma

Guilt & Truth

Ever since I was little, I always heard the word, "Karma."

My Mom, peers, and most people I knew used that word a lot.

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kar·ma (noun)

(in Hinduism and Buddhism) the sum of a person's actions in this and previous states of existence, viewed as deciding their fate in future existences.

Informal: Destiny or fate, following as effect from cause. - Google Dictionary

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When I was younger, although I got bullied, beaten up and ridiculed by some of my peers (a story for another time)... I was also a bully.

For years I denied it. However, deep down I always knew I use to be one. I wanted to fit in like everybody else. So, if I heard someone teasing/ laughing at the girl who chewed on her hair grade two, I laughed too. If the boy next to me peed his pants in grade one because he was to scared to raise his hand to go to the bathroom, I stayed a football field away...why? Because that's what everyone else did.

I realized that I was a bully when the same girl who use to chew on her hair invited the whole second grade to her house for a birthday party. The only reason we all went was so that we could leave to go to the park which was close to her home. 

Just a bunch of little shits hey?

I felt terrible knowing we all left her alone at her own birthday party to go to a park. The same park we all played in at school during recess. But somehow that park was more fun when it was after hours and there were no adults watching us.

After coming to my senses, a couple friends and I went back to that girl's party and did the best we could to make it special for her.

My stomach was in knots, I knew at such a young age that what I was doing to be "cool" to be like the rest of them was wrong.

When I got older, and to the point that I started liking boys, my heart got broken every time. Either I couldn't have them, they didn't like me back, or someone prettier always got them. The boys that liked me, I didn't like them, not in that way anyways. I broke a few good hearts, not because I meant to, because I was scared. I was the kind of girl that was always unsure of my feelings. I could like them one minute, say all the right things, and then the next minute I'm running away and avoiding them at all costs. Being in my 20s, I find myself still doing that, but not to that extent. I would never use people for my own gain, especially if they have feelings for me. I learned to just be honest. It saves a lot of heartbreak.

Everyday, I feel that Karma is always punching me in the face.

I fell in love once (a story for another time). Fell deep for someone who didn't value, appreciate or loved me the way I hoped. No matter how hard I tried, I just wasn't enough. I'm still going through that pain. Still trying to figure out why he did all the things that he did. Why did he cheat, lie, and steal? Why did he play with my heart and have fun doing it? How was he able to hurt me and all those other girls that only ever loved him?

He's not a good man in my eyes anymore. If anything, he let me down more than anyone ever has. 

I blame myself for having such high expectations. 

I didn't know any better. I was a girl that was in love and put my trust in someone that knew how to play the game all to well. A really sick game.

I don't see a man anymore. I see a coward. I see someone hurting.

He may never know the pain he caused me because it was easier for him to run away to the next pretty face and kind heart. In reality, he won't care, because he got what he needed from me. Even though it was real for me, it wasn't for him. He won't ever get to see the pieces or the damage he had done to me, just like I didn't get to see that girl in second grade cry in her bedroom, or face her family with embarrassment. Or the kid who peed his pants. I'll never know what they felt in that moment. I could relate, but I'll never know what they felt. I know I didn't help make it any easier on them.

Back to my point.

Karma. I admit that I have hurt good people in the past. People who didn't deserve that kind of behavior from me. I didn't do as bad as the man I loved did to me, but it still doesn't make me any different.

Those people that I mentioned from the second and first grade... I met them years later in high school. We had a couple classes together, and even shared a few laughs. It was nice to see that they were okay. They had good friends and family surrounded by them. I still feel guilty, but we ended up having a lot in common, and I still keep in touch with one of them till this day.

What I try to do everyday is to help those who need it, to be kind, and smile. I don't want people feeling the way I did and still do. I can't control that, but it's better to strive to be a better person than to keep falling in a down hill spiral being mad and envious at everyone and everything for their wrong doings.

Did I deserve what happened to me? Of course not. Because no one should ever go through pain like that. Did they deserve the way I treated them? NO.

But did karma give me the taste of what it's like? YES.

Maybe from my mistakes, I made myself become too vulnerable, too sweet, too innocent, too much of something. 

But enough that people knew they could prey on me. Have their way with me.

Maybe I did this all to myself because I didn't want to be that little girl that I was in the 1st and 2nd grade. I hate to admit it, but part of me feels that I did cause this all on myself.

I'm not that same girl anymore. I'am much stronger, better, and confident now.

I still try to do good and be good.

I hope that you all try to do the same to.

What goes around, always comes back around in some form.

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