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Killer

When will I be okay?

He's a drug I don't want to be addicted to anymore but he's too addicted to let go of. His kisses are like poison that suffocates my breath. But I love it... And I love him... I think.

He found me again when I was broken. In just a matter of a week, he found a way to break me even more. I never knew you could be more broken than you already were. The first time it felt like a knife going through my heart, leaving a scar, but this second time, it was a gun wound, leaving a major hole in my heart that can't be filled.

Days where we argued, I wanted to disappear. I wanted to run from these problems but the thing is... we fight every day whether we were miles apart or together. He told me I couldn't run from my problems. I thought that meant he cares. I was wrong.

Every turn you make there will be a female there, no matter what their age is. He is a male. Understand where I am going?

He loves to admire their bodies. I don't blame him for that, every girl he looks at was drop dead gorgeous. He never looked at me that way. I wanted that but strangers got that. Not me.

He thought I was stupid but I'm not as stupid as I seem. This girl he talks to behind my back is beautiful. The words he says to her, I don't get that. I'm supposed to be his girlfriend and I am... But she's getting the attention I'm supposed to get. He tells me to stop being self-conscious about myself, but little does he know he is the reason I am.

I can't compete with any of them. They have better looks than me. They have better personalities than me. They aren't a mess up like me.

At the beginning, I thought I won because I had him at the end of the night. But that was a lie. They had him all day for free. I had him because I paid to see him and gave him what he wanted every night I'm with him.

I apologized for every argument we've had because he always says it's my fault. I'm a mess up and he makes sure I know that. He makes me feel guilty for stuff I never did but I didn't fight back.

He tells me to leave some days... and I try to... but he stops me and tries to make up for his mistakes he has made. But the memories will always stay planted in my mind.

I'm crying and hurting. I scream for help but no one hears me. I need to be saved. I need more strength. This boy makes me weak in such a bad way.

The feeling is shitty. I will always feel shitty. It hurts. God, it hurts so fucking much. I want to scream and cry. But I have no fight left in me. I'm broken but still so in love with this killer. He hurts and hurts me but he knows I won't leave. I try to get the courage to leave and make myself a better life... but my feet don't budge to move, my mouth refuses to speak.

In the end, I'm always going to end up being hurt. For him, he will always end up okay because no matter what, he won't care. Not about me, or you, or anyone. Just a cold-hearted killer.

To the people that said they would always be there for me... where are you now? I'm shaking and hurting. I can't do this on my own. Where did everyone go? When will I be okay?