L Is for Life

I wanna start by saying I'm a 35-year-old woman who is still very confused about relationships. I've never had that perfect connection. I've lived with ex's and even been married before. I have one child who is my true love and life, in general, is tough.

Okay, so now that I have that out of the way, let me tell you I know that a lot of people think that if you're not in a serious relationship by now there HAS to be something wrong with you. That's just not true. Some people go through many relationships and never end up in a lasting one. Some people meet there soulmate and end up with one person on there first try. Now I'm not an expert but are those people truly happy? Do they ever feel like they missed out on anything? Only they know but as for me...I wouldn't have been able to do it.

My first love was when I was 18 years old. I was not the most popular kid in school so I was overlooked by the opposite sex until I was a little older. I thought this guy was so cute and fun. We would hang out in his apartment together for hours and just talk. We went on a lot of mini road trips together in my car. I had a 2000 Mustang at the time and I loved my car almost as much as I loved my then boyfriend.

Well, one day he asked me to drive him across the country through Canada. I did it of course. I would have done anything for him at the time. I was madly in love. We started in Michigan because that's where we are both from and ended up in Vancouver. It took us a few days to get there, but when we arrived we rented a room in a hostile and explored the town for a bit. The next few days I spent mostly by myself because he was off with some friends that lived out there.

After about a week he told me that he wanted me to go back home...alone. He said he had business there to take care of and he would be back in a couple of weeks. As much as I hated it I kissed him goodbye and left. Crossed the border down into Washington and drove all the way back home to Michigan by myself.

When I got back home my best friend said she was moving to Albany, NY and wanted me to take the bus out there with her so she didn't have to go alone. So I did.

We stayed with a mutual friend while I was there. We had a lot of fun because it was someone we met while on vacation in Virginia and were friends with ever since. While I was away my boyfriend got back to Michigan and called me. He said he was upset that I wasn't there. I told him I'd be back in a few days. It was the week of 9/11 so my bus got delayed by a day. He was upset about that too.

I got back to Michigan as fast as I could and when I got there my boyfriend wasn't around. It took a couple of days before he came to see me. When he did, he broke up with me. He said I wasn't there for him when he needed me. He said he just wanted to get home and hug and kiss me and I wasn't there. I was devastated.

Later I found out he was cheating on me the whole time we were together and that he was telling people he was only with me because of my car and because he thought I had money, which I didn't.

That was the beginning of my travels though because not to long after that I moved to Albany myself for a few years. I loved it for a while. Made lots of friends. Partied a lot. Then I met another guy I dated for about six months. He wasn't a very nice person but for some reason, I cared deeply about him. He was cute, funny, tall, and a complete asshole. He would tell me things like "You have a year to lose weight or I'm leaving." He would yell at me if I didn't look at the TV while football was on. He would yell if I changed his music. He was very mentally abusive until I got fed up and kicked him out. He begged me not to leave him that day, said he would change but I knew better than to believe those lies. I knew at a young age that people say things all the time but hardly ever follow through.

Shortly after I moved back to Michigan for a year, I then continued my life journey down to Nashville, TN! One of the best moves I had ever made! I loved Nashville with every ounce of me. I dated but didn't really care much about being in a relationship. After being there a while and making friends and establishing myself in my new area, I met another man! He was a few years older than me, handsome and extremely goofy. We had so much fun together it didn't take long before we fell in love!

He was amazing, funny, sweet, and explained everything in a way that I could understand. He was in the military. We would go stay in his barracks and cause a ruckus together a few times a week. He treated me with kindness and respect. One day it was time for him to go overseas for deployment. So we stayed together one last night talking. He told me about a foursome he had with some cheerleaders sometime before we had met. Showed me there pictures. Didn't even kiss me goodbye when it came time to leave. I don't know why cause nothing between us had changed and I never asked.

While he was away on deployment, I cheated. I was so messed up by it and couldn't believe I would do such a thing to somebody I loved wholeheartedly. I broke up with him while he was away because he didn't deserve that and I thought I was doing the right thing.

A year later I moved out to San Diego, CA, now 24 years old. Still heartbroken but felt refreshed. I had a new place, new people, and the ocean. I moved in with a friend when I got there. I didn't really know him very well but we became very close friends and still remain close friends to this day.

For the next few years, I partied a lot. Went to a lot of shows. Had a lot of adventures. Dated but didn't really have any serious relationships. After a few years of great times, I felt it was time to move on to my next location. So I moved to Las Vegas...the land of booze and bad decisions.

Vegas was and still is a love of mine. I lived there for a while having fun, going to shows, and drinking myself into a coma every weekend! It was great...until I met another guy. I was finally ready to start seriously dating again. He was a skinny Asian fellow with a quirky sense of humor and a very plain sense of style. Not at all what I usually went for but to me, that's not really what makes a person. He was kind and patient. We would go out so much together that he finally had to tell me he needed to slow it down. I went from staying at his place almost every night to staying there only once or twice a week. Our relationship was slowly coming to an end. I became jealous thinking there had to be another reason for him to not care if I was around or not. It got so bad that one night after a long night of drinking I hit him. A couple months later he broke up with me over Christmas break while I was away with family. Again I was devastated, but I think it was more because I got dumped than because we broke up.

After I got home from Christmas break, I started going out with my girlfriends again. I started to love my life again. Then one night while out, I met this ruggedly handsome man with a mohawk. We talked all night and made out in the hallway of his hotel because his friends were sleeping. When the night was over...I gave him my information and gave him a kiss goodbye. Just a few hours later he texted me. From then on we talked every day on the phone. He called me. I couldn't believe it. A man that actually called... it's rare to find.

Two weeks later I got on a Greyhound bus and traveled out to see him. He greeted me at the bus station with flowers and we had an amazing three days together! We were very sad when it was time to go. When I got back to Vegas all I could think of was when I could speak with him again. Touch him again. Kiss him again. I was hooked. I went out to see him again after two weeks and in another two weeks after that, he came to see me. Rented a U-haul and I moved out to Palm Springs, CA to be with him.

It was very different from Vegas but I didn't care. I was completely in love with this man. He was everything I ever wanted in a mate. He was ruggedly handsome, fun, funny, strange, loved the same music and movies, and most of all he loved me. I knew then that I would marry him, and I did. Six months after I moved we were married. It was one of the happiest days of my life.

When we got home from our honeymoon we found out that I was pregnant. The next few months up until giving birth were rough. Then after it got even harder. I had no drive. I hated myself and was looking for him to help me out of it but he refused. So I turned to alcohol because its the only way I knew how to cope with things. The bars became the only place I felt welcome and wanted. I thought marriage was about supporting each other and I couldn't figure out why he refused to support me emotionally. He asked me to change but when I asked if he was willing to change he said no. I tried but I had no support. I was confused as to why we were failing, I thought I had done everything right. I waited until I felt I was ready to get married to someone I felt I wanted to be with forever, but eventually, he ended up leaving me.

I was so heartbroken I could hardly move. I felt worthless like I had no purpose in life. Even with a baby, I couldn't get past the fact that I felt stuck. Stuck in a horrible nightmare that only kept happening after I woke up. I just wanted to sleep. I wanted to sleep because it was the only time I couldn't feel the pain in my chest. Not even alcohol helped that feeling. It went on for two years. He left but he will always be a part of my life and it took me a long time to get over him. I had to get angry. I had to fight to keep myself alive; until I didn't hurt anymore and started to feel as happy as I could feel again. I started smiling again. I started to actually like myself again.

After a while, I decided to date again. So I put up a dating profile this time. I met a few people, mostly creeps until I met this one guy out with some friends for some drinks. He was tall and muscular. Kind of awkward looking but lots of nerdy tattoos from his favorite video games and TV shows. We started hanging out and he treated me like a true princess! He treated me like I mattered. He got along with my kid even though he wasn't a huge fan of kids. He took me out on dates. He even took me out to buy me a new outfit to wear out to a fancy restaurant one night. I was spoiled.

Eventually, he started to get super jealous and controlling. He would sometimes talk about obeying and how men were superior. I would tell him relationships are about being equal and he would laugh. I didn't care though at that point because he took really good care of me. I became sober for him and it was the first time I had ever been in a sober relationship. Eventually, I moved in with him. It only took a couple of weeks before he started getting violent tendencies towards my son. I knew I had to leave. At that point I was scared. I made arrangements without his knowledge and moved all my stuff out while my son was with his dad. Only I couldn't get everything in one trip. So I went back the next day with a friend.

While we were there he attacked both of us with a weapon. It was extremely scary but luckily we both made it out. We were hospitalized and he was arrested and put in jail where he still sits. I went through some surgeries and a long healing process but I'm alive and I'm grateful! Every day I have more love to give. So it's been my experience that life is love. Love yourself and be happy with life. It is the ultimate relationship because people come and go but truly loving life can last forever.

L is for Life

...Some things are truly meant to be...loving your life can last forever! A short story of my personal experience with learning to love life.