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It's weird to feel this for someone new. I'm falling for someone all over again. What's happening to me? Why is this happening again? My emotions are everywhere. They haven't been this crazy since J. Lately it seems I have been forgetting the memories we once made, even though I know I'm making new ones. Every time I look at him he has this look in his eyes—so warm, so caring, I feel like he actually enjoys my company. Lately I've been trying to make him forget all the hurt he has had in life. He smiles at me, but he hasn’t opened up yet. He can't get it through his big head that I love him. I’ve officially cracked. My heart has always fallen quickly—but this time is different.

I don't know how it happened. Every time I see him, my heart skips a beat. And for once, I'm not scared of the hurt. But I don't think that my heart could take it if this goes south. I've convinced myself that if this doesn't work, I'd be leaving to my safe place. The only person who knows this place is dead. I’d be safe from ever being bothered. I can tell by the way he moves, by the way he talks, by the way he’s just him, that being with me is not the same, but I’m worth a try.

The other night, as I lay in bed, all I could think of was you. I've officially lost all hope. Sometimes I would lay with you and I would feel the pain. I could sense the hurt. And for some reason, no matter what I would do or how hard I would try, I couldn't make it go away. There were times where I would close my eyes, place my head on your chest, and hear the beautiful music your heart made. Sometimes it would race, and I couldn't help but feel that it was because of me. I feel like I have no issues whenever I’m with you. I have no flaws. I have no defects. You make me feel perfect. But why can't I do the same for you? I looked up at you, standing there. I couldn't shake the feeling that you were just pretending. But I wondered, "Maybe this time he's not. Maybe this time he really does care." But something is happening and I don’t know what's going on. Everything is slipping out of my hands. I've lost control. This is terrifying. All I wanted to do was be there for you. It seemed like you wanted to be there for me. But I knew from the beginning that we shouldn't be together. You said that your heart was mine, but I knew that was a lie. How could you love me when you loved someone else? How could I have your heart if it already belonged to her? But all I could do was try. I could fight back the tears, grit my teeth, and try to win it all. Your love, your heart, your spirit. You—you were worth fighting for.

Everything is changing so rapidly. My money is slowing diminishing. Without it, I won't be able to keep my man. What am I without my money? I am nothing. I'm ugly and fat. Who would want me? Without being able to support them, I’m worthless. I haven't felt this low since I was losing it all to drugs. “Gosh! What's happening? I'm losing my shit.” Why is my head playing these games? I feel like I'm going crazy. “Wow! Have I actually lost it or am I just over thinking like I always do?”

I think it’s time to push the clock. The time has passed to fill her shoes. My time is coming to an end and I don't know where to begin. The past is seeping in, and my clock is slowly dying. Tick… Tick... Tick. Should I change it? Should I break it? The hour hand’s stride has started to shorten, and my hours are gone. Now all that are left are minutes,but even when I only have seconds left, I would, and always will chose to spend my time with you. For my final attempt at love, I have to admit, you were the best.